The Sum Of Fractured Thoughts.

[Timmycom]

There's ALOT of formatting in this poem, and I couldn't be bothred to type it exactly on here, so here's a screenshot of the poem as it is on word 2010:

[Image: http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/2856/th...though.png]

Uploaded with ImageShack.us

And here's the text to make it easier to comment and add suggestions/corrections:


The sum of Fractured Thoughts.

Cracks criss-cross along the glass
All, everything, shatters.

My reflection ground down from the pieces of myself as ceramic
- turns to dust early,
Like nothing ever mattered

… As though I’m lying within the “criss-crossings”,
In an existence my mind had always projected:
The white-washed walls of reality, breaking up in front of me;
As if somehow I’d never existed…

For I’ve untangled,
Unravelled
codes, such twists that of which decalcifies me from bone:
Broken like glass, or dinner plates. I dread the possibilities of my own deepest unknowns:

I am nothing more than the fractured sum of my idealism
Whilst being nothing less than its fragmented shell;
I become nothing but the sandstone portrayal of ‘myself’
Whilst feeling like everything but it,
Somehow…

03:33am
15/02/2012.

[Universalchild]

The sum of Fractured Thoughts.

Cracks criss-cross along the glass
All, everything, shatters. Nice imagery.

My reflection ground down from the pieces of myself as ceramic
- turns to dust early, Continued good imagery, I like the choice of ceramic.
Like nothing ever mattered

… As though I’m lying within the “criss-crossings”, Not so sure about this line, it sticks out for me.
In an existence my mind had always projected:
The white-washed walls of reality, breaking up in front of me;
As if somehow I’d never existed… Really good couple of lines here.

For I’ve untangled,
Unravelled
codes, such twists that of which decalcifies me from bone:
Broken like glass, or dinner plates. I dread the possibilities of my own deepest unknowns: Wow really liking this.

I am nothing more than the fractured sum of my idealism
Whilst being nothing less than its fragmented shell;
I become nothing but the sandstone portrayal of ‘myself’
Whilst feeling like everything but it, Not so fond of the repetition of whilst, but love "sandstone portrayal"
Somehow…

03:33am
15/02/2012.

I really enjoyed reading this, good strong imagery with a collected theme & deep thoughts.

[billy]

saw the image and the poem hasn't lost anything by not being of the same format.

There's ALOT of formatting in this poem, and I couldn't be bothred to type it exactly on here, so here's a screenshot of the poem as it is on word 2010:

[Image: http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/2856/th...though.png]

Uploaded with ImageShack.us

And here's the text to make it easier to comment and add suggestions/corrections:


The sum of Fractured Thoughts. maybe a colon or dash

Cracks criss-cross along the glass
All, everything, shatters.

My reflection ground down from the pieces of myself as ceramic
- turns to dust early,
Like nothing ever mattered

… As though I’m lying within the “criss-crossings”,
In an existence my mind had always projected:
The white-washed walls of reality, breaking up in front of me;
As if somehow I’d never existed…

For I’ve untangled,
Unravelled
codes, such twists that of which decalcifies me from bone:
Broken like glass, or dinner plates. I dread the possibilities of my own deepest unknowns:

I am nothing more than the fractured sum of my idealism
Whilst being nothing less than its fragmented shell;
I become nothing but the sandstone portrayal of ‘myself’
Whilst feeling like everything but it,
Somehow…

03:33am
15/02/2012.

there seems to be lots of redundancies throughout the poem, and in the main it feels as if it's trying to hard to be poetry. the cracks part is there as fragments in the poem but some things feel forced. i'm still wondering where the dinner plates came from. strip out any little bit of excess or any little bit of redundancy, the poem feels as though it starts with one, 'the sum of fract...' it could just as easily work as;

Of fractured parts;

there's lot of places you can tighten the poem up. don't worry overly about laying the poem out, fist of all, lay the poem down get it spot on then fiddle with the layout a bit.

[Timmycom]

there seems to be lots of redundancies throughout the poem, and in the main it feels as if it's trying to hard to be poetry. the cracks part is there as fragments in the poem but some things feel forced. i'm still wondering where the dinner plates came from. strip out any little bit of excess or any little bit of redundancy, the poem feels as though it starts with one, 'the sum of fract...' it could just as easily work as;

Of fractured parts;

there's lot of places you can tighten the poem up. don't worry overly about laying the poem out, fist of all, lay the poem down get it spot on then fiddle with the layout a bit.
[/quote]

Having wrote it, I first wrote in standard, and then added the formatting because I felt it needed it, I wanted to express my... Instability, and the formatting reflects that for me, it also adds a little bit more pause before you read a line, or the oppersite. So, I disagree with you there. Redundancies? Could you point them out? Personally, I never add something if I think it's redundant or just their for the rhyme or whatever.
Also, Dinner plates: Ceramic. Dinner plates are ceramic and are brittle like my mentality of the time.

But yeah. You have taught me to look for them Billy, so thank you.

[billy]

if you use a simile it should be somehow connected, do bones break like glass or dinner plates? i'm also sure that if you asked anyone to represent broken time, dinner plate wouldn't be mentioned. the reader needs connections they can follow.

the format: i'm not saying don't use it, i'm saying wait till you have a finished poem. centre aligning and fancy formatting often hides imperfections,

the title: The sum of Fractured Thoughts. ...the sum is redundant

All, everything...one of these is redundant

turns to dust early,....it's a given...early doesn't really give us anything as there's no other reference.

As though I’m lying within the “criss-crossings”, repetition

In an existence my mind had always projected: ....always though it's on the fence is redundant.

Like nothing ever mattered...like and possibly ever are redundant

For I’ve untangled, ...for is redundant

Broken like glass, or dinner plates ....conflicting with ground, and glass is repetition.

i'm being really picky here because you asked me, some things like the glass and dinner plate image could be improved with a modifier that has a connection with bone or time; (instead of removing them) china dinner plates were often made using bone, hence bone chine, which connects to the preceding line

all the above are only suggestion, something to peruse and discard should you feel they're of no use.

[addy]

Hi timmy. I think there is good potential in this piece. One thing I have noticed is at some points there seems to be a barrier, like you're tentative about committing to the imagery... there's rationalization and simile ("as if..." "as though...") and you default to explaining and telling your emotions even when the story and the metaphor speaks plainly for itself, with no need for explanation. I'll point out a couple of instances I noticed below, hopefully it helps. There's a lot to like here.

There's ALOT of formatting in this poem, and I couldn't be bothred to type it exactly on here, so here's a screenshot of the poem as it is on word 2010:

[Image: http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/2856/th...though.png]

Uploaded with ImageShack.us

And here's the text to make it easier to comment and add suggestions/corrections:


The sum of Fractured Thoughts.

Cracks criss-cross along the glass
All, everything, shatters.

My reflection ground down from the pieces of myself as ceramic
- turns to dust early,
Like nothing ever mattered

… As though imo the ellipsis doesn't serve much of a purpose. i feel the same about "as though", even if it ties this to the first stanza... you are lying in the criss-crossing experience your mind projects, as far as this poem is concerned. It's your mental drama, reality warps here, there's no "as though's" about it. just my opinion I’m lying within the “criss-crossings”,
In an existence my mind had always projected:
The white-washed walls of reality, breaking up in front of me;
As if somehow I’d never existed…

For I’ve untangled,
Unravelled
codes, such twists that of which decalcifies me from bone: I really like "decalcifies from bone"
Broken like glass, or dinner plates. Just stick with "broken like dinner plates", or if you prefer "broken like glass plates". I dread the possibilities of my own deepest unknowns:

I am nothing more than the fractured sum of my idealism
Whilst being nothing less than its fragmented shell;
I become nothing but the sandstone portrayal of ‘myself’
Whilst feeling like everything but it,
Somehow… This ending is a bit unsatisfying for me. Again, it's as if you're pulling your punches timidly and overexplaining something ou should just be breathing out.

03:33am
15/02/2012.