your hands (version 2ish)

[Ruth]

because I did not lift my face,
I watched your hands, arms, your elbows, bent and resting lightly on your thighs,
and I watched the floor,
but mostly I watched your hands.

I saw the line that suggests a creative lover,
the one that shows a clever mind, imagination, and
the mound by your thumb that may indicate passion.

as we spoke, I saw meanings in their shapes, and
on the floor, I watched our shadows, made from street and candle light in a darkened room
flicker and entwine.

you stood, you smiled and then your arms embraced me,
and held on until I let go of you.

then I was on my way, casting my own shadows,
regarding my own hands.

[addy]

Quite a thorough edit Ruth . Speaking from my personal point of view (I'm sure everyone else would have different opinions and may flat-out disagree), I think there are elements from your first draft that I kind of miss now that they've been removed here (I rather miss the fingertips, her trembling, her writing, the more sensitive observations). It's good, but for me it's a mixed success in that sense

because I did not lift my face,
I watched your hands, arms, your elbows, bent and don't think "bent' is necessary, its a givenresting lightly on your thighs,
and I watched the floor, I'm hovering a bit with this line... either add more of a descriptor here (because without "feet" to balance it, it seems a random fit to the other images), or remove this line completely. Just my take.
but mostly I watched your hands.

I saw the line that suggests a creative lover,
the one that shows a clever mind, imagination, and Pull "and" down to the next line, I think
the mound by your thumb that may indicate passion.

as we spoke, I saw meanings in their shapes, and
on the floor, I watched our shadows, made from street and candle light in a darkened room This line may not be needed? Not sure, maybe you can make the whole image more concise-- "...our shadows in the lamplight // flicker and entwine"--- something to that effect
flicker and entwine.

you stood, you smiled and then your arms embraced me,
and held on until I let go of you. I think you can do without this stanza? It seems a bit perfunctory at the moment

then I was on my way, casting my own shadows,
regarding my own hands. "Casting my own shadows // regarding my own hands"... is a pretty good close, but I can't help but feel it would actually be more interesting if you kept the writing bit, so she'd be observing the shadow and dancing motion of her own hands as she wrote and recalled. Again, just my take

[billy]

because I did not lift my face,
I watched your hands, arms, your elbows, bent and resting lightly on your thighs,
and I watched the floor,
but mostly I watched your hands.

i miss the my feet part which imparted a shyness to match the lowered head.

I saw the line that suggests a creative lover,
the one that shows a clever mind, imagination, and
the mound by your thumb that may indicate passion. may feels weak

as we spoke, I saw meanings in their shapes, and
on the floor, I watched our shadows, made from street and candle light in a darkened room
flicker and entwine. i preferred the original version.

you stood, you smiled and then your arms embraced me,
and held on until I let go of you. much weaker than the original. feels like excess wordage

then I was on my way, casting my own shadows,
regarding my own hands. again it feels weaker than the original.

i look at this version and see a different poem, not a shoddy poem mind but it doesn't read like an edit of the last poem.

the beginning has merit as an edit then it seems to lose that core that was strung throughout the original. you feel like you lost the innocence and want and shy urgency of the thing.

i don't think the line length changes helped that much because it looks like you felt the need to also add verbiage in order to keep a viable size poem.

sometimes white space adds more than any words could. the original had that feel or reading between the lines, between the words.

maybe a little bit of this and whole lot of that?

the problem we all have when we get feedback is that we get a lot of it and we think, yeah that would work, and mm that would work and that's all we think about...how to change it...we miss the fact that we could possibly be losing the essence of the damn thing.

i really enjoyed the original, while i like and enjoy this version, it's not the same poem.

[Ruth]

perhaps I'll just have two different poems :-)

I was trying to make longer line lengths and take out the cliches, but I see all your points here. That's my problem, I don't think I'm confident enough with my own voice to say, this stays, and this I can change. Must work on that.

thanks so much!! I really do appreciate the feedback (fyi - the streetlight/candlelight stanza took me FOREVER..... and I still don't like it, just illustrates how expertly I can chase my own tail)

[Leanne]

I think you need to give it some distance before editing any more... find that confidence you need, because right now what you've got is a poem that explains the poem it was trying to be in the first place.

how I'd write the first bit:

because I did not lift my face,
I watched your hands, your arms,
your elbows resting lightly on your thighs,
and I watched the floor,
but mostly

I watched your hands.

I saw the line that suggests a creative lover,
the one that shows a clever mind, imagination, and
the mound by your thumb that may indicate passion. -- this stanza sounds as if it's straight out of a "how to read palms" manual. It could probably fit into the next one easily enough, something like:

I saw meanings in their shapes: creative lover,
clever mind, passion, imagination.
I watched our shadows flicker and entwine.

you stood, you smiled and then your arms embraced me, -- "arms" is redundant
and held on until I let go of you.

then I was on my way, casting my own shadows,
regarding my own hands.

Having told you not to edit just now, maybe that will help you when you come to do it... for what it's worth, I liked the first one better

[billy]

i found it was so easy to follow what they others thought was right and in all honesty, many times they were, and the poem was made whole
but sometimes the they weren't in unison and i tried to please everyone instead of trying to please myself. but isn't that why we edit, edits help us find our own voice. my other big faults was thinking better poets gave better feedback.. not a word of it pick what you thinks works and discard what you think doesn't. it can be fiddly but worth it in the end.

---

just read leanne's response and i agree that stepping back from a poem is often worth more than a few edits.

[Ruth]

I think you need to give it some distance before editing any more... find that confidence you need, because right now what you've got is a poem that explains the poem it was trying to be in the first place.

how I'd write the first bit:

because I did not lift my face,
I watched your hands, your arms,
your elbows resting lightly on your thighs,
and I watched the floor,
but mostly

I watched your hands.

I saw the line that suggests a creative lover,
the one that shows a clever mind, imagination, and
the mound by your thumb that may indicate passion. -- this stanza sounds as if it's straight out of a "how to read palms" manual. It could probably fit into the next one easily enough, something like:

I saw meanings in their shapes: creative lover,
clever mind, passion, imagination.
I watched our shadows flicker and entwine.

you stood, you smiled and then your arms embraced me, -- "arms" is redundant
and held on until I let go of you.

then I was on my way, casting my own shadows,
regarding my own hands.

Having told you not to edit just now, maybe that will help you when you come to do it... for what it's worth, I liked the first one better

actually, I DO read palms, and do it on the sly with some people when I'm trying to get a better feel for them (Peter's hands explained a LOT about him, but that's another story for another day)

will let this sit - and will come back to it - with more of my own voice I hope ;-)

thanks Leanne

[tectak]

because I did not lift my face, At least begin with a capital letter
I watched your hands, arms, your elbows, bent and resting lightly on your thighs,Good opener, now end this line with a semi-colon. The pause will beg the next line so it must not disappoint
and I watched the floor,
but mostly I watched your hands.This is really very good. It is almost a soliloquy. Inward thoughts made manifest in a quiet, whispered voice. Lovely.

I saw the line that suggests a creative lover,
the one that shows a clever mind, imagination, andgood enjambment but you are taking a big risk. The rhythm of this stanza can be made to work but enjambments are not a certain way of matching the metronome. I think you just got away with it, the way I read you
the mound by your thumb that may indicate passion.No faults here but an extra half foot would probably help before "passion". Try "your passion".

as we spoke, I saw meanings in their shapes, andCapital on "as"...PLEASE. This time the enjambment fails. Leave out "and" and read it again with a semi-colon after "shapes" and without the comma after "floor"
on the floor(,) I watched our shadows, made from street and candle light in a darkened room comma after "candle light" then new line. " in a darkened room I saw them flicker and entwine". God, I am in tears, here!
flicker and entwine.

you stood, you smiled and then your arms embraced me, Capital on "You" pleeease!. Getting a bit cliched in your passion here
and held on until I let go of you.Not quite chronologically safe. Who is holding who and WHEN did you take hold and he release. Needs a little clock watching. You do not say that you held on at any time. Just that you let go. A small and picky comment. Sorry

then I was on my way, casting my own shadows,CAPITAL LETTER MOST NECESSARY. There has been an elemental gap in time here. You are recovering. You need to breathe this moment. A pause will pre-empt this vital shift in sentiment. You could count to three EASILY before starting to read this last stanza.
regarding my own hands. A great last line. I commend this piece.

This is a little piece of cameo-verse. The whole thing is a portrait which can be painted on just one canvass. You can have two characters in any of several static poses and in each the story you have told would still be true. The durational requirements of a cameo verse are small. That it is a moment or two in real time does not mean that the reading is foreshortened into a quick burst of poetic endeavour......you have made this work and I for one will take my time over it. Well (and not over) done.
Best (with or without my suggestions!)
tectak

[Mattias Tahri J H]

because I did not lift my face, At least begin with a capital letter
I watched your hands, arms, your elbows, bent and resting lightly on your thighs,Good opener, now end this line with a semi-colon. The pause will beg the next line so it must not disappoint
and I watched the floor,
but mostly I watched your hands.This is really very good. It is almost a soliloquy. Inward thoughts made manifest in a quiet, whispered voice. Lovely.

I saw the line that suggests a creative lover,
the one that shows a clever mind, imagination, andgood enjambment but you are taking a big risk. The rhythm of this stanza can be made to work but enjambments are not a certain way of matching the metronome. I think you just got away with it, the way I read you
the mound by your thumb that may indicate passion.No faults here but an extra half foot would probably help before "passion". Try "your passion".

as we spoke, I saw meanings in their shapes, andCapital on "as"...PLEASE. This time the enjambment fails. Leave out "and" and read it again with a semi-colon after "shapes" and without the comma after "floor"
on the floor(,) I watched our shadows, made from street and candle light in a darkened room comma after "candle light" then new line. " in a darkened room I saw them flicker and entwine". God, I am in tears, here!
flicker and entwine.

you stood, you smiled and then your arms embraced me, Capital on "You" pleeease!. Getting a bit cliched in your passion here
and held on until I let go of you.Not quite chronologically safe. Who is holding who and WHEN did you take hold and he release. Needs a little clock watching. You do not say that you held on at any time. Just that you let go. A small and picky comment. Sorry

then I was on my way, casting my own shadows,CAPITAL LETTER MOST NECESSARY. There has been an elemental gap in time here. You are recovering. You need to breathe this moment. A pause will pre-empt this vital shift in sentiment. You could count to three EASILY before starting to read this last stanza.
regarding my own hands. A great last line. I commend this piece.

This is a little piece of cameo-verse. The whole thing is a portrait which can be painted on just one canvass. You can have two characters in any of several static poses and in each the story you have told would still be true. The durational requirements of a cameo verse are small. That it is a moment or two in real time does not mean that the reading is foreshortened into a quick burst of poetic endeavour......you have made this work and I for one will take my time over it. Well (and not over) done.
Best (with or without my suggestions!)
tectak

Hey Ruth
I like reading this poëm, I can read it with an emotional, sad and swift, but moving tone.
I prefere the first version of it and I would follow Penguin on the first part and Leanne on the second part of the poëm
I'm a newbe at poëtry so for now this is all I can tell you but I'll try to make my way into your poëm more later on.

[Ruth]

because I did not lift my face, At least begin with a capital letter
I watched your hands, arms, your elbows, bent and resting lightly on your thighs,Good opener, now end this line with a semi-colon. The pause will beg the next line so it must not disappoint
and I watched the floor,
but mostly I watched your hands.This is really very good. It is almost a soliloquy. Inward thoughts made manifest in a quiet, whispered voice. Lovely.

I saw the line that suggests a creative lover,
the one that shows a clever mind, imagination, andgood enjambment but you are taking a big risk. The rhythm of this stanza can be made to work but enjambments are not a certain way of matching the metronome. I think you just got away with it, the way I read you
the mound by your thumb that may indicate passion.No faults here but an extra half foot would probably help before "passion". Try "your passion".

as we spoke, I saw meanings in their shapes, andCapital on "as"...PLEASE. This time the enjambment fails. Leave out "and" and read it again with a semi-colon after "shapes" and without the comma after "floor"
on the floor(,) I watched our shadows, made from street and candle light in a darkened room comma after "candle light" then new line. " in a darkened room I saw them flicker and entwine". God, I am in tears, here!
flicker and entwine.

you stood, you smiled and then your arms embraced me, Capital on "You" pleeease!. Getting a bit cliched in your passion here
and held on until I let go of you.Not quite chronologically safe. Who is holding who and WHEN did you take hold and he release. Needs a little clock watching. You do not say that you held on at any time. Just that you let go. A small and picky comment. Sorry

then I was on my way, casting my own shadows,CAPITAL LETTER MOST NECESSARY. There has been an elemental gap in time here. You are recovering. You need to breathe this moment. A pause will pre-empt this vital shift in sentiment. You could count to three EASILY before starting to read this last stanza.
regarding my own hands. A great last line. I commend this piece.

This is a little piece of cameo-verse. The whole thing is a portrait which can be painted on just one canvass. You can have two characters in any of several static poses and in each the story you have told would still be true. The durational requirements of a cameo verse are small. That it is a moment or two in real time does not mean that the reading is foreshortened into a quick burst of poetic endeavour......you have made this work and I for one will take my time over it. Well (and not over) done.
Best (with or without my suggestions!)
tectak

Hey Ruth
I like reading this poëm, I can read it with an emotional, sad and swift, but moving tone.
I prefere the first version of it and I would follow Penguin on the first part and Leanne on the second part of the poëm
I'm a newbe at poëtry so for now this is all I can tell you but I'll try to make my way into your poëm more later on.

thanks very much. I'm letting it sit - as instructed - and then will sit down with both, and try to produce something that at least makes me feel like it's done (that almost never happens, but you never know)
thanks again, and welcome! (I new here too, just a baby step up from an offical newbie)