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V. 2 (thanks to billy, ray, and tec)
Changing the tire, you muttered
something about four bolts instead of six
lodging the wheel to the car
above a fresh plowed lane.
Four bolts worth of elevated highways
and salted asphalt folded into an odometer;
just enough to tempt a drive
the way a child drops his gloves,
despite his father's warnings,
to make the perfect snowball.
V. 1
Changing the tire, you muttered
something about four bolts
instead of six
lodging the wheel to the car
in this moment of frozen repair.
Four bolts worth of elevated
highways and salted asphalt
folded into an odometer;
just enough to tempt a drive
the way a child drops his gloves,
despite his father's
warnings about the cold,
to make the perfect snowball.
Written only for you to consider.
Posts: 5,057
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Joined: Dec 2009
it reads really well to me so i haven't done a line by.
repair feels forced or just too obvious.
i think you have a great analogy (is that the word?) in the last two stanza.
nice snapshot of an icy wheel-change done in a hurry.
thanks for the read.
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Yes, the last 5 lines are a nice analogy, except I don't like the break on "father's"
just enough to tempt a drive
the way a child drops his gloves,
despite his father's warnings,
to make the perfect snowball.
Would that work?
Not sure about frozen repair. You're just saying that the work is being done in icy weather?It sounds too contrived.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.
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Joined: Oct 2011
billy, ray
thanks a lot for the time and reads. will definitely take a look at the "repair" bit; i also like your idea about the line break with "father"
Written only for you to consider.
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(07-28-2012, 04:10 PM)Philatone Wrote: Changing the tire, you muttered
something about four bolts
instead of sixstop
lodging the wheel to the car
in this moment of frozen repair. though this is not a sentence on planet earth, it may be elsewhere so I am reserving judgement because I like the word use. Having said that I don't see any advantage in twisting "lodging" to substitute for "presenting" or "offering up".....good old Hayes Manual.
Four bolts worth of elevated
highways and salted asphalt
folded into an odometer;You have used this expression before somewhere. Does that count as repetition or early onset dementia?
just enough to tempt a drive
the way a child drops his gloves,
despite his father's
warnings about the cold,
to make the perfect snowball.
I kind of liked this but it is so Phil that I could scream. I only don't scream because I Just
know that;
it would make
no difference.
Best,
tectak
