Freedom

[vedantsetu]

Ring the bell so that the chimes fill the skies
I would even search you in the seas of diguise
I shall walk to the warmth of your gloomy smile
We will walk to the end of roads in this exile

The birds flow with the freedom of love and hate
Careless of their ends and melancholy fate
Breaking these torment chains and step in the blissful shoes
We will grown exuberant wings like them too

[billy]

hi vedantsetu.

Ring the bell so that the chimes fill the skies
I would even search you in the seas of diguise disguise
I shall walk to the warmth of your gloomy smile
We will walk to the end of roads in this exile the line feels forced

The birds flow with the freedom of love and hate
Careless of their ends and melancholy fate
Breaking these torment chains and step in the blissful shoes
We will grown exuberant wings like them too

thanks for posting your first poem.
the 1st two lines work reasonably well
possibly the 3rd as well, but then it falls into
realm of that glittery poetical stuff those new
to poetry tend to use.

love, freedom, hate, and fate are big, big words in any kind of writing, more so in poetry
in poetry it's best to show what you mean when you speak of these words. a term banded about for these kind of words is; intangibles. try and use the least number of intangibles as possible.

[vedantsetu]

Thx for your critique....
I will try to be less intangible next time
the second stanza i just meant to say that
The birds fly with the freedom of love and hate the birds don't love or hate anybody, they are free of such feelings
Careless of their ends and melancholy fate nor do they care when they will die or how, they don't understand the concept of hate
Breaking these torment chains and step in the blissful shoes the narrator, who is in exile, any sort mental, physical, emotion what so ever wants to break the barriers that are holding him down in pain
We will grown exuberant wings like them too he wishes for the wings he believes that these wings give him the power to be like birds

[addy]

Interesting content. I must confess, I found the first stanza better than the second, as I found it fresh; commitment to freedom parallels a commitment to love, which isn't always euphorically happy and is in fact often hard (that's my take on it anyway)

Ring the bell so that the chimes fill the skies
I would even search you in the seas of diguise
I shall walk to the warmth of your gloomy smile
We will walk to the end of roads in this exile Wonky meter here

The birds flow with the freedom of love and hate "love and hate" is a cliche contradiction. Coupled with "freedom", there are too many cliche abstractions in this line.
Careless of their ends and melancholy fate
Breaking these torment chains and step in the blissful shoes bringing up shoes doesn't work for me, since the overarching metaphor in this stanza is about birds/wings/flying.
We will grown exuberant wings like them too Quite like the lift in this last line

Thanks for the read