+- Poetry Forum (https://www.pigpenpoetry.com)
+-- Forum: Poetry Forum (https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/forum-1.html)
+--- Forum: Haiku, Senryu, Short Form Poetry. (https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/forum-58.html)
+--- Thread: Untitled (/thread-26367.html)
Untitled - poetry_zealot - 04-09-2025
It takes some courage
to walk the yellow brick road,
but more to walk back
RE: Untitled - dukealien - 04-10-2025
(04-09-2025, 09:45 PM)poetry_zealot Wrote: It takes some courageThe simplicity here is disarming, but packs a punch because of all the baggage the film has picked up over the years. I might replace "some" with "real" in the first line, but "some" leaves open the possibility that the courage is false... so stet. If there were a way to insert a word into the third line, making "but more to walk it back," it would open up walking back a story or narrative. But the wording is quite spare and you've already used "It" in the first line. So, again, stet.
to walk the yellow brick road,
but more to walk back
Well done. No easy suggestion for a title - maybe something that invokes walking all the way back instead of just clicking witch-slippers?
RE: Untitled - Luchoracu - 04-11-2025
(04-09-2025, 09:45 PM)poetry_zealot Wrote: It takes some courageI quite like it. Its power lies in its simplicity. I would not change anything.
to walk the yellow brick road,
but more to walk back
RE: Untitled - Mark A Becker - 04-12-2025
Hello zealot-
It takes some courage
to walk the yellow brick road,
but more to walk back There is no juxaposition here, only a continuation of the previous sentence. That is not how senryu/haiku work.
The syllable count is not what the form is really about. A twist, a cut, or turn is needed in the final five. That's what makes this form so difficult, yet so interesting.
That said, it is good that you do not have a title, as this form does not usually use titles. You could use the first line for that purpose, though.
Respectfully,
Mark
RE: Untitled - poetry_zealot - 04-12-2025
(04-12-2025, 04:50 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hello zealot-Thank you for your feedback and highlighting something I wasn't aware of. I will remember that before creating a new one.
It takes some courage
to walk the yellow brick road,
but more to walk back There is no juxaposition here, only a continuation of the previous sentence. That is not how senryu/haiku work.
The syllable count is not what the form is really about. A twist, a cut, or turn is needed in the final five. That's what makes this form so difficult, yet so interesting.
That said, it is good that you do not have a title, as this form does not usually use titles. You could use the first line for that purpose, though.
Respectfully,
Mark