final

So, I Failed your Rorschach Test
because someone dripped asphalt,
spattered that blood,
folded those cards;
were they experts or dolts?

Big deal, confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic game
that could never reveal
my state of mind.

Since I see
bizarre patterns
in nearly everything, why must I
conform to your profile
of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

Right now doctor,
can you see
your Venetian blinds,
how they section your office
into black and white spines?

When it comes to your hide
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak.
I can hear you being played,
white ivory on black,

while I tickle your piano keys
and sing this song
of your dissected organs
blotted on cards.


-------------------------------------------
new final version Thankyou trueE

So, I Failed your Rorschach Test
because someone dripped asphalt,
spattered that blood,
folded those cards;
were they experts or dolts?

Big deal, confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic game.
It could never determine
my state of mind.

Since I see
bizarre patterns
in nearly everything, why must I
conform to your profile
of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

Right now doctor,
can you see
your Venetian blinds?
How they section your office
into black and white spines.

When it comes to your hide
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak.
I can hear you being played,
white ivory on black,

while I tickle your piano keys
and sing this song
of your dissected organs
blotted on cards.


--------------------------------------
final version

So, I Failed your Rorschach Test
because someone dripped asphalt,
spattered that blood,
folded those cards;
were they experts or dolts?

Big deal, confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic game.
It could never determine
my state of mind.

Since I see
bizarre patterns
in nearly everything, why must I
conform to your profile
of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

Right now doctor,
can you see
your Venetian blinds?
How they section your office
into black and white spines.

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak.
I can hear you being played,
white ivory on black,
when I tickle your piano keys
and sing you this song
of your dissected organs
blotted on cards.



todd/milo/tectac/trueE edit4 Much Obliged all!
------------------------------
Who dripped that asphalt,
spattered the blood
or folded those cards,
were they experts or a child?

Big deal,
confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream-pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic
game that could never surmise

my state of mind.

Since I see bizarre patterns
in nearly everything,
why must I conform to
your consensus of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

Right now doctor,
don’t you see
your Venetian blind?
How it sections your office
into black and white spines,

each sodden with the blood
of graded indifference?

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak
and I hear you being played
black on white
like piano keys,
as I sing this song for you
and me

about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.

(10-26-2013, 12:58 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Who dripped that asphalt,
spattered the blood
or folded those cards,
were they experts or a child?

Strong opening, nothing better than skilful rhetoric to hook the reader in. I'm not sure on the word 'the' if it's used as a general statement of split blood rather than an individual's blood splatter than by all means, it works.

Big deal,
confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream-pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic
game that could never surmise

my state of mind.

This stanza is entertaining as hell, interesting range if references keeps it strong, especially when you've pulled it off with such control and Patience. This keeps the ball rolling strong, with enough enigma to pass it on to the next stanza.

Since I see bizarre patterns
in nearly everything,
why must I conform to
your consensus of the norm?

Now this was great, the last two lines of this stanza are catchy as fuck, haha. I feel like there's multiple meanings contained in those two lines. Set before those two lines, you've established mental instability, which really makes those two lines that much cooler, it makes sense.

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

I've noticed your subtle use of half rhyming, which only compliments the structure of your poem. That is not easy to accomplish, to rhyme naturally and with flow is something I admire greatly, I see it too far, too few. Thank you.

Right now doctor,
don’t you see
your Venetian blind?
How it sections your office
into black and white spines,

each sodden with the blood
of graded indifference?

This here is practically the same set up as the last stanza, which is great. Good consistency and continuation of previous ideas. Reinforces your structure.

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muza
and I hear you being played
black on white
like piano keys,
as I sing this song for you
and me

about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.

And the finish.

Nicely done. You've created a vivid and eloquent piece. Without coming off force or contrived you've used rhyming well. I would suggest personification here, this piece is structured very well. It comes off a little too matter of fact in some sections, implementing personification within this piece would give it the personality and character that would take this piece to the next level

Feel free to dismiss my comments, I am rather new here. Well done, either way.

Thank you Euan for taking the time to read this and sharing your impressions with me. I am not too familiar with the psychotic realm, so all comments and suggestions are welcome. I had this notion of using red, black and white in the form of blood, barcodes, zebra stripes and piano keys in my head for a while. Ink blots and a Dutch art movement seemed to bring them all together.

Hi Chris, I read each new poem hoping that nothing will jar me out of the read, and that it will be successful. This was a smooth read. I very much enjoyed the speaker's attitude.

A few comments (but mostly appreciation):

I loved the title.

(10-26-2013, 12:58 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Who dripped that asphalt,--I almost feel that you could run the title right into the first line replacing who with "Because someone". Just a thought, and a minor option.
spattered the blood--Nice ominous serial killer tone you set early
or folded those cards,
were they experts or a child?

Big deal,
confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream-pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic
game that could never surmise

my state of mind.

Since I see bizarre patterns
in nearly everything,
why must I conform to--I understand wanting the rhyme to be inline as opposed to end. That said, conform is the more natural line break. I'll give you an option below that might emphasize the speaker's narcissism (so might be pretty cool).
your consensus of the norm?

Maybe,

Since I see bizarre patterns
in nearly everything, why must I
conform to your consensus
of the norm?

I see a few other options pulling of the norm up, breaking the first line on see and reshuffling a bit. Things to consider

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.


--Your content to this point is also somewhat disturbing and wonderfully done. I love all the detail

Right now doctor,
don’t you see--Might make a case for reworking that line above to "Since I see" then break
your Venetian blind?
How it sections your office
into black and white spines,

each sodden with the blood
of graded indifference?--This is the one set of lines I'm not sold on. They feel grafted on for creepiness, and it's already creepy.

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.--Gorgeous writing. Nice continuing of the idea. Love the De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak
and I hear you being played
black on white
like piano keys,--Again shifting the blinds into this image. I like this
as I sing this song for you
and me

about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.--See this is fine. If you have the sodden blood earlier you rob the conclusion of some punch.

Very entertaining read, Chris.

Best,

Todd

Todd, much obliged as always for your guidance and critique. I like the idea of co-joining the title with the opening stanza as well as some of the ideas for restructing the conform/norm stanza. I was thinking that I needed some red to stretch the neoplasticism art movement theme through all of those black and white stripes. However, I don't need spilling the blood too early as to weaken the climax. An interesting side bar to this poem is my fascination with the band 'White Stripes' and their black, white and red album themes as they relate to neo-plasticism and the Dutch De Stijl art wave of the 1920's (the name-sake of one of their albums as well). So, I am glad that you appreciated that stanza. I shall get to that edit soon. Cheers, my comrade in pen, and thanks a metric tonne!/Chris

This is probably the best I have read from you so far Christopher, i like it quite a bit.

(10-26-2013, 12:58 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Who dripped that asphalt,
spattered the blood
or folded those cards,
were they experts or a child?

this is pretty good. I think you are missing an opportunity with "expert or a child" but i am not sure what it is.

Quote:Big deal,
confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream-pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic
game that could never surmise


"surmise" feels wrong. Also, do you need "pie"?

my state of mind.

Since I see bizarre patterns
in nearly everything,
why must I conform to
your consensus of the norm?

Todd was right about the break on "to". As for the rhyme? i have to wonder if it is strengthening or weakening. Consider just cutting at "consensus"
{quote]

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

Right now doctor,
don’t you see
your Venetian blind?
How it sections your office
into black and white spines,

[/quote] I am not sure but I think blind needs to be plural. Also, you are using so much concrete imagery that "indifference" feels weak.

Quote:each sodden with the blood
of graded indifference?

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak
and I hear you being played
black on white
like piano keys,
as I sing this song for you
and me

these 2 stanzas are the best. The imagery is appropriate, concrete, relevant and draws the metaphor nicely

Quote:about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.

Overall, I like it quite a bit. It is both creepy and condescending. Appropriate serial killer material.

Thanks milo. This poem actually took months to properly compose. I had to study Rorschach blots and the De Stijl art movement. I finally got the impetus to finish it from my misinterpretation of one of Leanne's poems that brought in the barcode. I shall certainly consider those word substitutions. Surimise was selected for rhyme(slant) with pies and mind. 'Cream-pie' refers to a specific oozing of female anatomy following sex, which also resembles a butterfly. I had to do some thorough and exhausting pornography research to uncover that! Several of the blots resemble butterflies, moths or bats, depending on the subject viewing them. Hence, the vaginal spotting and cream-pie. Some discussion, huh?! . The other common blot interpretation is animal hides. You are right about the blinds, but I am seeking the double entendre on the shrink being 'blind' in the mind of the sociopath. Does that work for you? Most appreciative!/Chris
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd/milo edit1/version2.0 posted; Thank you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(10-26-2013, 12:58 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  todd/milo edit1/version2.0
Hi chris, I will stick to pointed pedant crit. Too much to like to justify a dirty bomb. Here's my Neutron drop...no collateral damage
[b]So, I Failed your Rorschach Test

because someone dripped asphalt
and spattered that blood,
then folded those cards; and/then make for weak chronology. You could easily lose BOTH words.
were they experts or a child? Seems inexpert english Why plural experts singular child?

Big deal,
confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic
game that could never define

my state of mind. Sorry but this line break is gimmicky...it has no purpose before or after.

Since I see
bizarre patterns
in nearly everything, why must I
conform to your consensus No no. A concensus of one is nonsense
of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks. Excellent stanza

Right now doctor,
don’t you see
your Venetian blinds?
How they section your office
into black and white spines. There is something wrong here but it is to pedantic to mention. Oh bugger, did I mention it; how could I?

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak
and I hear you being played the and word again and again.I just know you will and again
ivory white on black
like piano keys,
as I sing this song for you as then and. Too much simultaneous action makes the piece stick in time. OK. I know. Small nit but one I fall foul of often.
and me

about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.
That's it. This is me liking it a whole lot.
Best,
tectak

todd/milo edit1/version2.0 Much Obliged!
------------------------------
Who dripped that asphalt,
spattered the blood
or folded those cards,
were they experts or a child?

Big deal,
confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream-pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic
game that could never surmise

my state of mind.

Since I see bizarre patterns
in nearly everything,
why must I conform to
your consensus of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

Right now doctor,
don’t you see
your Venetian blind?
How it sections your office
into black and white spines,

each sodden with the blood
of graded indifference?

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak
and I hear you being played
black on white
like piano keys,
as I sing this song for you
and me

about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.

(10-26-2013, 07:01 AM)tectak Wrote:  

(10-26-2013, 12:58 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  todd/milo edit1/version2.0
Hi chris, I will stick to pointed pedant crit. Too much to like to justify a dirty bomb. Here's my Neutron drop...no collateral damage
[b]So, I Failed your Rorschach Test

because someone dripped asphalt
and spattered that blood,
then folded those cards; and/then make for weak chronology. You could easily lose BOTH words.
were they experts or a child? Seems inexpert english Why plural experts singular child?

Big deal,
confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic
game that could never define

my state of mind. Sorry but this line break is gimmicky...it has no purpose before or after.

Since I see
bizarre patterns
in nearly everything, why must I
conform to your consensus No no. A concensus of one is nonsense
of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks. Excellent stanza

Right now doctor,
don’t you see
your Venetian blinds?
How they section your office
into black and white spines. There is something wrong here but it is to pedantic to mention. Oh bugger, did I mention it; how could I?

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak
and I hear you being played the and word again and again.I just know you will and again
ivory white on black
like piano keys,
as I sing this song for you as then and. Too much simultaneous action makes the piece stick in time. OK. I know. Small nit but one I fall foul of often.
and me

about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.
That's it. This is me liking it a whole lot.
Best,
tectak

todd/milo edit1/version2.0 Much Obliged!
------------------------------
Who dripped that asphalt,
spattered the blood
or folded those cards,
were they experts or a child?

Big deal,
confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream-pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic
game that could never surmise

my state of mind.

Since I see bizarre patterns
in nearly everything,
why must I conform to
your consensus of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

Right now doctor,
don’t you see
your Venetian blind?
How it sections your office
into black and white spines,

each sodden with the blood
of graded indifference?

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak
and I hear you being played
black on white
like piano keys,
as I sing this song for you
and me

about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.

Got you chief! Let me borrow your eye and give this another whirl. Tec, that consensus is not for this single patient by that particular doctor, but the general consensus of all psychiatrists that certein associations are considered normal for the populous, while others are associated with mental disease. Nonetheless, I could more than likely find a substitute. Thanks for your time and attention with this one. Cheers/Chris

(10-26-2013, 12:58 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  todd/milo/tectak edit2/version2.5

So, I Failed your Rorschach Test

because someone dripped asphalt,
spattered that blood,
folded those cards;
were they expert or child?

Big deal,
confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic
game that could never define
my clever state of mind.

Since I see
bizarre patterns
in nearly everything, why must I
conform to your profile
of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

Right now doctor,
can you see
your Venetian blinds?
How they section your office
into black and white spines.

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak.
I can hear you being played,
ivory white on black;
tinkling like piano keys,
as I sing this silly song
for you and me

about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.


todd/milo/tectac edit2/version2.5 Much Obliged!
------------------------------
Who dripped that asphalt,
spattered the blood
or folded those cards,
were they experts or a child?

Big deal,
confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream-pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic
game that could never surmise

my state of mind.

Since I see bizarre patterns
in nearly everything,
why must I conform to
your consensus of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

Right now doctor,
don’t you see
your Venetian blind?
How it sections your office
into black and white spines,

each sodden with the blood
of graded indifference?

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak
and I hear you being played
black on white
like piano keys,
as I sing this song for you
and me

about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.

I really like this. It's a riot. I'd suggest "experts or children" in L4. I don't like "you and me" in penult stanza, I think "us" is better. Just "you" may be better. Trimming the line down to

"as I sing this song"

may be best.

Blotted upon cards is clumsy and awkward, and hardly constitutes a line of its own. Final line needs to be reworked.

As a matter of fact, you should take another look at your line breaks. I'd suggest the following:


because someone dripped asphalt,
spattered that blood,
folded those cards;
were they expert or child?

Big deal, confusing vague butterflies/
for vaginal spotting or porno cream pie.
It’s a poorly-designed, cryptic game,/

Maybe cut cryptic game. Might suggest "encryption". Games aren't usually used to define one's state of mind, or anything else for that matter (you want to say discern, or determine, define is really just for sound, but you can change the qualifier instead, to keep your rhyme, and maintain integrity).

that could never define/
my clever state of mind.

cut clever. Maybe full stop or semi colon after "cryptic game" (or encryption ), followed by "it could never define...

Since I see bizarre patterns/
in nearly everything,/
why must I conform
to your profile of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats(,)
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

Right now doctor,/
can you see your Venetian blinds?/
How they section your office
into black and white spines.

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak.
I can hear you being played,
ivory white on black;
tinkling like piano keys,
as I sing this silly song


about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.

I'd start again from here.

(10-26-2013, 12:37 PM)trueenigma Wrote:  

(10-26-2013, 12:58 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  todd/milo/tectak edit2/version2.5

So, I Failed your Rorschach Test

because someone dripped asphalt,
spattered that blood,
folded those cards;
were they expert or child?

Big deal,
confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic
game that could never define
my clever state of mind.

Since I see
bizarre patterns
in nearly everything, why must I
conform to your profile
of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

Right now doctor,
can you see
your Venetian blinds?
How they section your office
into black and white spines.

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak.
I can hear you being played,
ivory white on black;
tinkling like piano keys,
as I sing this silly song
for you and me

about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.


todd/milo/tectac edit2/version2.5 Much Obliged!
------------------------------
Who dripped that asphalt,
spattered the blood
or folded those cards,
were they experts or a child?

Big deal,
confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream-pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic
game that could never surmise

my state of mind.

Since I see bizarre patterns
in nearly everything,
why must I conform to
your consensus of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

Right now doctor,
don’t you see
your Venetian blind?
How it sections your office
into black and white spines,

each sodden with the blood
of graded indifference?

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak
and I hear you being played
black on white
like piano keys,
as I sing this song for you
and me

about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.

I really like this. It's a riot. I'd suggest "experts or children" in L4. I don't like "you and me" in penult stanza, I think "us" is better. Just "you" may be better. Trimming the line down to

"as I sing this song"

may be best.

Blotted upon cards is clumsy and awkward, and hardly constitutes a line of its own. Final line needs to be reworked.

As a matter of fact, you should take another look at your line breaks. I'd suggest the following:


because someone dripped asphalt,
spattered that blood,
folded those cards;
were they expert or child?

Big deal, confusing vague butterflies/
for vaginal spotting or porno cream pie.
It’s a poorly-designed, cryptic game,/

Maybe cut cryptic game. Might suggest "encryption". Games aren't usually used to define one's state of mind, or anything else for that matter (you want to say discern, or determine, define is really just for sound, but you can change the qualifier instead, to keep your rhyme, and maintain integrity).

that could never define/
my clever state of mind.

cut clever. Maybe full stop or semi colon after "cryptic game" (or encryption ), followed by "it could never define...

Since I see bizarre patterns/
in nearly everything,/
why must I conform
to your profile of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats(,)
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

Right now doctor,/
can you see your Venetian blinds?/
How they section your office
into black and white spines.

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak.
I can hear you being played,
ivory white on black;
tinkling like piano keys,
as I sing this silly song


about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.

I'd start again from here.

Nice to see you trueE. Thanks for critiquing this for me. Many of your suggestions are sound. The problem I am having with editing is that many of the word substitutions folks are volunteering are altering the meter for me, the attitude of the mad narrator and certain nuances. This lunatic doesn't need to be spot on with his diction. Nonetheless, I shall keep at it and see where it brings your. I appreciate your time and efforts! A new edit shall appear soon.

Did I mess up your meter? Gawsh, I...I don't know what to say.

(10-27-2013, 01:49 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  Did I mess up your meter? Gawsh, I...I don't know what to say.

Simmer down and check it now!

Your rapid fire editing process is entertaining. You clearly enjoy writing (and workshopping)

Why not break on conform instead of must I?

In everything,
why must I conform

Or

In everything, why must I conform

It presents a nice entendre, does it not?

Also, why no comma before cryptic?

But take some time and think about it. I don't want to be the one who screwed up your poem

(10-27-2013, 03:59 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  Your rapid fire editing process is entertaining. You clearly enjoy writing (and workshopping)

Why not break on conform instead of must I?

In everything,
why must I conform

Or

In everything, why must I conform

It presents a nice entendre, does it not?

Also, why no comma before cryptic?

But take some time and think about it. I don't want to be the one who screwed up your poem

Too late.

(10-26-2013, 08:00 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  

(10-26-2013, 07:01 AM)tectak Wrote:  

(10-26-2013, 12:58 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  todd/milo edit1/version2.0
Hi chris, I will stick to pointed pedant crit. Too much to like to justify a dirty bomb. Here's my Neutron drop...no collateral damage
[b]So, I Failed your Rorschach Test

because someone dripped asphalt
and spattered that blood,
then folded those cards; and/then make for weak chronology. You could easily lose BOTH words.
were they experts or a child? Seems inexpert english Why plural experts singular child?

Big deal,
confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic
game that could never define


my state of mind. Sorry but this line break is gimmicky...it has no purpose before or after.

Since I see
bizarre patterns
in nearly everything, why must I
conform to your consensus No no. A concensus of one is nonsense
of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks. Excellent stanza

Right now doctor,
don’t you see
your Venetian blinds?
How they section your office
into black and white spines. There is something wrong here but it is to pedantic to mention. Oh bugger, did I mention it; how could I?

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak
and I hear you being played the and word again and again.I just know you will and again
ivory white on black
like piano keys,
as I sing this song for you as then and. Too much simultaneous action makes the piece stick in time. OK. I know. Small nit but one I fall foul of often.
and me

about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.
That's it. This is me liking it a whole lot.
Best,
tectak

todd/milo edit1/version2.0 Much Obliged!
------------------------------
Who dripped that asphalt,
spattered the blood
or folded those cards,
were they experts or a child?

Big deal,
confusing vague butterflies
for vaginal spotting or porno cream-pie.
It’s a poorly-designed cryptic
game that could never surmise

my state of mind.

Since I see bizarre patterns
in nearly everything,
why must I conform to
your consensus of the norm?

Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

Right now doctor,
don’t you see
your Venetian blind?
How it sections your office
into black and white spines,

each sodden with the blood
of graded indifference?

When it comes to your hide,
it’s so clear in my mind,
like excised zebra stripes
in De Stijl promenade.

Why you’re even bar-coded,
encrypting bad Muzak
and I hear you being played
black on white
like piano keys,
as I sing this song for you
and me

about your dissected organs
blotted upon cards.

Got you chief! Let me borrow your eye and give this another whirl. Tec, that consensus is not for this single patient by that particular doctor, but the general consensus of all psychiatrists that certein associations are considered normal for the populous, while others are associated with mental disease. Nonetheless, I could more than likely find a substitute. Thanks for your time and attention with this one. Cheers/Chris
Hmm. Psychiatrist shorthand on a patients notes. NFN.
Normal For Norfolk.
You have a point!
Best,
tectak(Yorkshire)

This is a really good poem Chris. It is weightless in all the right parts. It deserves a little time. Edit as fast as you want, but don't consider it set in stone, you can still come back to it later.

Modification, adjectives mostly, may be your main issue.

Here is a more explanatory iteration of my problem with the ending:

of [your dissected] --> organs <-- [blotted on] cards.

On reads better than upon, but
You have the already modified organs, followed by another line that just further modifies the noun in the previous, or penult line, with another adjective.

A verb, such as

Blotting the cards

may be better. But the ing's have their own weaknesses as well, if you could find a way to crunch it down to the noun (blot), it would strengthen it considerably.

---

(10-27-2013, 04:25 AM)milo Wrote:  

(10-27-2013, 03:59 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  Your rapid fire editing process is entertaining. You clearly enjoy writing (and workshopping)

Why not break on conform instead of must I?

In everything,
why must I conform

Or

In everything, why must I conform

It presents a nice entendre, does it not?

Also, why no comma before cryptic?

But take some time and think about it. I don't want to be the one who screwed up your poem

Too late.

Do we have an emoticon for the finger?

---

Our the verb "blots".

(10-27-2013, 04:32 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  This is a really good poem Chris. It is weightless in all the right parts. It deserves a little time. Edit as fast as you want, but don't consider it set in stone, you can still come back to it later.

Modification, adjectives mostly, may be your main issue.

Here is a more explanatory iteration of my problem with the ending:

of [your dissected] --> organs <-- [blotted on] cards.

On reads better than upon, but
You have the already modified organs, followed by another line that just further modifies the noun in the previous, or penult line, with another adjective.

A verb, such as

Blotting the cards

may be better. But the ing's have their own weaknesses as well, if you could find a way to crunch it down to the noun (blot), it would strengthen it considerably.

---

(10-27-2013, 04:25 AM)milo Wrote:  

(10-27-2013, 03:59 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  Your rapid fire editing process is entertaining. You clearly enjoy writing (and workshopping)

Why not break on conform instead of must I?

In everything,
why must I conform

Or

In everything, why must I conform

It presents a nice entendre, does it not?

Also, why no comma before cryptic?

But take some time and think about it. I don't want to be the one who screwed up your poem

Too late.

Do we have an emoticon for the finger?

---

Our the verb "blots".

OK trueE, once my head stops spinning from all of the rapid fire edits, I shall give it another run through with your newest suggestions in mind.

Alright trueE, I modified that last line and I am calling this one ripe enough for now! Thanks to all

(11-21-2013, 09:55 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Alright trueE, I modified that last line and I am calling this one ripe enough for now! Thanks to all

Hi Chris,

It looks like your finishing up here, and I love this stanza

Quote:Whether animal pelts and bats
or genital sacks and flaps,
they’re somewhat disturbing
in those reds and blacks.

and I now get the reason for the break on "must I" in S3.

Just a couple thoughts: I think S6 would beclearer without the comma after "hide", and in the final stanza would "while I sing.." be stronger than when? (and I still don't think you need both the "you" and the "your" in L6 and 7 of the final stanza. I think the "you" should go, it's already pretty clear who the addressee is. Also, it might be a good idea to break the stanza on "black", into two separate quatrains.)