Poetry Forum

Hi all I received some great feedback on this a few days ago.  I cut and added a lot of stuff.  Please let me know what you think!  Thanks

Through Glass (Edit #1)

Tetras
fletched of
cobalt and ruby 
shoot through the water.
A tribe of poisoned darts
form a serpent, curving into 
a bubbly helix to flow through 
the same stone and sand, tracing 
the same paths, blooming against their
fragile glass plates as infinite as shore break.
They follow their reflections across the equator.
The rippling filter becomes swallowed.
Joyfully adrift in the calm current,
Starlight beams bite the canopy,
gleaming fins crimson against 
the tender green tendrils
of an Amazon stream.
And at dawn, a tribal 
spirit sweat rises
into primordial 
forest steam.

                                                                                             
Edit: added punctuation  


Original

In Glass

Tetras fletched of cobalt and ruby
shoot through the water.
A tribe of a hundred poisoned blow darts
curve into a bubbly helix.
An orchid blossoming then molting back,
They come and coalesce through the green
against their fragile plates of glass.
Flowing, swimming,
Swimming and flowing,
through the same stones and green
they’ve seen since their spawn,
tracing the same paths millions of times
as infinite as shore break.
As if quietly lullabied in the current,
tendril, waters of Amazonia,
they follow their reflections.
 
Little souls in the sound of a rippling filter,
calm me to sleep this night.
I've drifted into sameness
And yet soaked in my own complacency
I've followed, flowed,
Flowed and followed,
Only to awaken and lie awake
in the same unsettled state.
With fingers grazing my damp window,
I wonder in your stubborn grace.

I feel like I've been picking on everyone without posting anything original lately....so be kind when i finally do get a chance.

I don't like your new format, maybe it's just me but it's hard to read and there's no punctuation so it reads like a run on sentence. I am having trouble understanding what some of the modifiers are attached to.

Swallowing a rippling filter is lost on me, as is sweat presumably under water

(01-30-2016, 08:21 AM)aschueler Wrote: [ -> ]I feel like I've been picking on everyone without posting anything original lately....so be kind when i finally do get a chance.

I don't like your new format,  maybe it's just me but it's hard to read and there's no punctuation so it reads like a run on sentence.  I am having trouble understanding what some of the modifiers are attached to.

Swallowing a rippling filter is lost on me, as is sweat presumably under water

Thanks for reading again aschueler.  Yea I thought about that too.  Maybe because I'm reading it how I want it to sound, a problem a tend to have.  I'm going to have to play with punctuation and see if I can keep the shape.  

what I was going for for "Swallowing a rippling filter" was the noise of a generic fish tank transforming into a Amazon stream.  Sweat was intended to be as how a rain forest sweats moisture when the sun is out.

I appreciate your input!

-Nick

(01-30-2016, 08:35 AM)Brujo Wrote: [ -> ]

(01-30-2016, 08:21 AM)aschueler Wrote: [ -> ]I feel like I've been picking on everyone without posting anything original lately....so be kind when i finally do get a chance.

I don't like your new format,  maybe it's just me but it's hard to read and there's no punctuation so it reads like a run on sentence.  I am having trouble understanding what some of the modifiers are attached to.

Swallowing a rippling filter is lost on me, as is sweat presumably under water

Thanks for reading again aschueler.  Yea I thought about that too.  Maybe because I'm reading it how I want it to sound, a problem a tend to have.  I'm going to have to play with punctuation and see if I can keep the shape.  

what I was going for for "Swallowing a rippling filter" was the noise of a generic fish tank transforming into a Amazon stream.  Sweat was intended to be as how a rain forest sweats moisture when the sun is out.

I appreciate your input!

-Nick

2 IPa's and a full belly later....

Consider  changing the end a bit to  something akin to "...amazon stream/from which rises a tribal sweat with spirit" Et al.

The filter bit still is weird.  

Maybe "as the burbling filter becomes engulfed by burgeoning river"

But  2 beers as noted.

(01-30-2016, 09:56 AM)aschueler Wrote: [ -> ]

(01-30-2016, 08:35 AM)Brujo Wrote: [ -> ]

(01-30-2016, 08:21 AM)aschueler Wrote: [ -> ]I feel like I've been picking on everyone without posting anything original lately....so be kind when i finally do get a chance.

I don't like your new format,  maybe it's just me but it's hard to read and there's no punctuation so it reads like a run on sentence.  I am having trouble understanding what some of the modifiers are attached to.

Swallowing a rippling filter is lost on me, as is sweat presumably under water

Thanks for reading again aschueler.  Yea I thought about that too.  Maybe because I'm reading it how I want it to sound, a problem a tend to have.  I'm going to have to play with punctuation and see if I can keep the shape.  

what I was going for for "Swallowing a rippling filter" was the noise of a generic fish tank transforming into a Amazon stream.  Sweat was intended to be as how a rain forest sweats moisture when the sun is out.

I appreciate your input!

-Nick

2 IPa's and a full belly later....

Consider  changing the end a bit to  something akin to "...amazon stream/from which rises a tribal sweat with spirit" Et al.

The filter bit still is weird.  

Maybe "as the burbling filter becomes engulfed by burgeoning river"

But  2 beers as noted.

Haha cheers man!

I like the sound of those lines, I'll try playing with them and see what happens!