05-08-2014, 07:36 PM
Hi tectak,
This is a haunting piece. I enjoyed reading it, and I especially appreciated the way the stanzas are organized- it even looks nice on the page. Some really cool little phrases popped out at me.
I hope this feedback helps- I'll just point out the few spots that tripped me up.
View the original thread here.
This is a haunting piece. I enjoyed reading it, and I especially appreciated the way the stanzas are organized- it even looks nice on the page. Some really cool little phrases popped out at me.
I hope this feedback helps- I'll just point out the few spots that tripped me up.
(05-06-2014, 06:24 PM)tectak Wrote: [ -> ]False MemoryAs I said, I enjoyed this a lot. I think it's really neat and thought-provoking, and I hope that the edits I suggested make sense and help.
The last chord squeezed in to into the space between me and my head.
I played in blue and minor keys,
drifting shifts on dog-day seas, love these two lines- I'm enjoying how you slip in and out of meter.
not noticing that memories
were sails that pulled my ship along;
though by my hand and Siren song I don't think "siren" needs to be capitalized, since the siren in this case is a non-specific creature.
I willingly was led.
I watched a leaden evening sky transmute in to the grail.
Bright fingers, golden, thrust through cloud; maybe switch that to "bright golden fingers," it doesn't change the rhythm. The way it is now tripped me up, I had to read it a few times.
I saw the cup held up and vowed
that thoughts like these were still allowed.
Though manhood takes from every boy I like the sound of these last three lines. However, they don't quite make sense to me- a bit contradictie. Manhood takes from every boy a memory of first love- ok, I got that. False memories prevailing complete that. In fact, it's just the word "though" that muddies this. The word "though" at the beginning of the sentence necessitates that the second part of the sentence contradict the first, which it does not, since false memories prevailing is just another way to repeat the first bit. Removing the "though" makes the sentence make sense. Perhaps replace with "since."
true telling of that first love joy, perhaps "first love's joy?" Once again, I think that is a bit smoother.
false memories prevail.
I walked beside a blue-bell hill where birches crowd the view; "walked" and then "crowd"- there are two different verb tenses here... the rest of the narrative is in the past, maybe both of these should be too, although I understand that this could disrupt the meter...
but then, transfixed, I stopped and sighed. Transfixed by what?
From deep within I realised
a sadness dwelt there, minimised
by all the years of living lies,
choked by another's binding ties:
a love that I once knew. melancholy ending- the poem definitely sinks in mood as you descend through the stanzas. I like that.
tectak
2000-2014
View the original thread here.
