False Memory 0.0001 true,brownlie.

[tectak]

False Memory

The last chord squeezed in to the space between me and my head.
I played in blue and minor keys,
drifting shifts on dog-day seas,
not noticing that memories
were sails that pulled my ship along;
though by my hand and Siren song
I willingly was led.

I watched a leaden evening sky transmute in to the grail.
Bright fingers, golden, thrust through cloud;
I saw the cup held up and vowed
that thoughts like these were still allowed.
Though manhood takes from every boy
true telling of that first love joy,
false memories prevail.

I walked beside a blue-bell hill where birches crowd the view;
but then, transfixed, I stopped and sighed.
From deep within I realised
a sadness dwelt there, minimised
by all the years of living lies,
choked by another's binding ties:
a love that I once knew.

tectak
2000-2014

[Brownlie]

False Memory

This is quite good. I want to say that right off the bat.

The last chord came in to the space between me and my head.
I played the blue and minor keys
adrift somewhere on distant seas,
not noticing that memories
were sails that pulled my ship along;
though by my hand and Siren song
I willingly was led.

I watched a leaden evening sky transmute in to the grail.
Bright fingers, golden, thrust through cloud; - I think there is a problem here. It seems you either need an s on clouds or something like an "a" before it. My language is failing me at the moment
I saw the cup held up and vowed
that thoughts like these were still allowed.
Though manhood takes from every boy
the telling of that first love joy, -- I think there is another problem here with joy, it might be an inversion or something. Though, the rhyming is nice I think the concept and diction are powerful enough on their own.
the memories prevail.

I walked beside a blue-bell hill where birches crowd the view; - I'm not very good with flowers, but I think this might connect to the Arthurian concepts you brought in earlier, either way this is an intriguing line.
but then, transfixed, I stopped and sighed.
From deep within I realised
a sadness dwelt there, minimised
by all the years of living lies,
choked by another's binding ties: -- Good colon
a love that I once knew.

tectak
2000-2014

Well, hopefully someone gives you some more constructive comments. For my part, I thought it was very good.

[Truerenigma]

False Memory

The last chord came in to the space between me and my head.
I played the blue and minor keys
adrift somewhere on distant seas,
Somewhere is not doing anything here aside from letting us know that it's not anywhere in particular. I would suggest finding a place or sea or losing the filler.
not noticing that memories
were sails that pulled my ship along;
though by my hand and Siren song
I willingly was led.

I watched a leaden evening sky transmute in to the grail.
Bright fingers, golden, thrust through cloud;
I saw the cup held up and vowed
that thoughts like these were still allowed.
Though manhood takes from every boy
the telling of that first love joy,
the memories prevail.

I walked beside a blue-bell hill where birches crowd the view;
but then, transfixed, I stopped and sighed.
From deep within I realised
a sadness dwelt there, minimised
by all the years of living lies,
choked by another's binding ties:
a love that I once knew.

tectak
2000-2014

I like this. I mean, I get it. Isn't that the point? Anyway, aside from the one distraction I mentioned above--which hinders my immersion--I was, am, there the whole way.

I'm grateful for the read. Thank you.

[tectak]

False Memory

This is quite good. I want to say that right off the bat.

The last chord came in to the space between me and my head.
I played the blue and minor keys
adrift somewhere on distant seas,
not noticing that memories
were sails that pulled my ship along;
though by my hand and Siren song
I willingly was led.

I watched a leaden evening sky transmute in to the grail.
Bright fingers, golden, thrust through cloud; - I think there is a problem here. It seems you either need an s on clouds or something like an "a" before it. My language is failing me at the moment
I saw the cup held up and vowed
that thoughts like these were still allowed.
Though manhood takes from every boy
the telling of that first love joy, -- I think there is another problem here with joy, it might be an inversion or something. Though, the rhyming is nice I think the concept and diction are powerful enough on their own.
the memories prevail.

I walked beside a blue-bell hill where birches crowd the view; - I'm not very good with flowers, but I think this might connect to the Arthurian concepts you brought in earlier, either way this is an intriguing line.
but then, transfixed, I stopped and sighed.
From deep within I realised
a sadness dwelt there, minimised
by all the years of living lies,
choked by another's binding ties: -- Good colon
a love that I once knew.

tectak
2000-2014

Well, hopefully someone gives you some more constructive comments. For my part, I thought it was very good.

Hi brownlie,
Always good to hear your take. I take it as a good sign that the nits from you are few. There is, believe it, a reason for the singular cloud...it is because I want to emphasise the "leaden" uniformity of the sky in order to effect the alchemaic transmutation in to gold (I realised that a grail need not be gold so I tried to implant the image of a cup or chalice formed from the sun rays bursting upwards...I saw this effect in truth.) So it is cloud not clouds...meteorologically "overcast". That is all on this but I do agree about the "joy" line...it irks me,too. I cannot justify a change until I can see what that change should be...but I must change it.
On the blue-bell hill thing I am not being at all creative. Right now, right here, we have birch tree woods on hilly slopes deep in blue haze...it would be difficult to be any more poetic than by being factual
Best and thanks,
tectak

---

False Memory

The last chord came in to the space between me and my head.
I played the blue and minor keys
adrift somewhere on distant seas,
Somewhere is not doing anything here aside from letting us know that it's not anywhere in particular. I would suggest finding a place or sea or losing the filler.
not noticing that memories
were sails that pulled my ship along;
though by my hand and Siren song
I willingly was led.

I watched a leaden evening sky transmute in to the grail.
Bright fingers, golden, thrust through cloud;
I saw the cup held up and vowed
that thoughts like these were still allowed.
Though manhood takes from every boy
the telling of that first love joy,
the memories prevail.

I walked beside a blue-bell hill where birches crowd the view;
but then, transfixed, I stopped and sighed.
From deep within I realised
a sadness dwelt there, minimised
by all the years of living lies,
choked by another's binding ties:
a love that I once knew.

tectak
2000-2014

I like this. I mean, I get it. Isn't that the point? Anyway, aside from the one distraction I mentioned above--which hinders my immersion--I was, am, there the whole way.

I'm grateful for the read. Thank you.

Hi true,
it is my duty to totally immerse you so I have buggered about with the sea line. This is one of those cases where I know what I want to say, where there is much available to say, but I am in danger of saying too much...have I? Shit, man, I cry when I read some of my own stuff...how anal is that?
Best,
tectak

[ChristopherSea]

I like the flow and form. However, the title threw me on the theme or perhaps it is misdirection or merely suggestion. Most of the memories are up to speculation. Both the regret and motivation are not supplied. This is more of the set and setting alone.

The gold from lead metaphor is leading, as if you should have seen through the false reality or cloud (seen that the alchemy was pseudo-science).

Some other observations: In line-1, something more intriguing than ‘came’ is called for in my read. In line-2, ‘blues’ might be more apropos and supply double entendre. First line, stanza-2, shouldn’t that be ‘into’? ‘the telling of first love joy’ sounds off, maybe something like: ‘the conveyance of first love’s joy.’

The final stanza begins lovely, but again those false memories are vague. That could be your choice or my clogged sinuses this morning. I hope something herein helps with your next edit. Cheers/Chris

[RSaba]

Hi tectak,
This is a haunting piece. I enjoyed reading it, and I especially appreciated the way the stanzas are organized- it even looks nice on the page. Some really cool little phrases popped out at me.
I hope this feedback helps- I'll just point out the few spots that tripped me up.

False Memory

The last chord squeezed in to into the space between me and my head.
I played in blue and minor keys,
drifting shifts on dog-day seas, love these two lines- I'm enjoying how you slip in and out of meter.
not noticing that memories
were sails that pulled my ship along;
though by my hand and Siren song I don't think "siren" needs to be capitalized, since the siren in this case is a non-specific creature.
I willingly was led.

I watched a leaden evening sky transmute in to the grail.
Bright fingers, golden, thrust through cloud; maybe switch that to "bright golden fingers," it doesn't change the rhythm. The way it is now tripped me up, I had to read it a few times.
I saw the cup held up and vowed
that thoughts like these were still allowed.
Though manhood takes from every boy I like the sound of these last three lines. However, they don't quite make sense to me- a bit contradictie. Manhood takes from every boy a memory of first love- ok, I got that. False memories prevailing complete that. In fact, it's just the word "though" that muddies this. The word "though" at the beginning of the sentence necessitates that the second part of the sentence contradict the first, which it does not, since false memories prevailing is just another way to repeat the first bit. Removing the "though" makes the sentence make sense. Perhaps replace with "since."
true telling of that first love joy, perhaps "first love's joy?" Once again, I think that is a bit smoother.
false memories prevail.

I walked beside a blue-bell hill where birches crowd the view; "walked" and then "crowd"- there are two different verb tenses here... the rest of the narrative is in the past, maybe both of these should be too, although I understand that this could disrupt the meter...
but then, transfixed, I stopped and sighed. Transfixed by what?
From deep within I realised
a sadness dwelt there, minimised
by all the years of living lies,
choked by another's binding ties:
a love that I once knew. melancholy ending- the poem definitely sinks in mood as you descend through the stanzas. I like that.

tectak
2000-2014

As I said, I enjoyed this a lot. I think it's really neat and thought-provoking, and I hope that the edits I suggested make sense and help.

[tectak]

Hi tectak,
This is a haunting piece. I enjoyed reading it, and I especially appreciated the way the stanzas are organized- it even looks nice on the page. Some really cool little phrases popped out at me.
I hope this feedback helps- I'll just point out the few spots that tripped me up.

False Memory

The last chord squeezed in to into the space between me and my head.
I played in blue and minor keys,
drifting shifts on dog-day seas, love these two lines- I'm enjoying how you slip in and out of meter.
not noticing that memories
were sails that pulled my ship along;
though by my hand and Siren song I don't think "siren" needs to be capitalized, since the siren in this case is a non-specific creature. Interesting point about which I am unsure. The Siren is, I suppose, similar to, for example, a german...hmmm. Yes, I believe you are right
I willingly was led.

I watched a leaden evening sky transmute in to the grail.
Bright fingers, golden, thrust through cloud; maybe switch that to "bright golden fingers," it doesn't change the rhythm. The way it is now tripped me up, I had to read it a few times. Agreed. Credit
I saw the cup held up and vowed
that thoughts like these were still allowed.
Though manhood takes from every boy I like the sound of these last three lines. However, they don't quite make sense to me- a bit contradictie. Manhood takes from every boy a memory of first love- ok, I got that. No. Manhood takes the TRUE telling away. False memories prevailing complete that. In fact, it's just the word "though" that muddies this. The word "though" at the beginning of the sentence necessitates that the second part of the sentence contradict the first, which it does not, since false memories prevailing is just another way to repeat the first bit. Removing the "though" makes the sentence make sense. Perhaps replace with "since."
true telling of that first love joy, perhaps "first love's joy?" Once again, I think that is a bit smoother. ...except that now that joy is "owned" by the first love which is not the same as the joy of first love
false memories prevail.

I walked beside a blue-bell hill where birches crowd the view; "walked" and then "crowd"- there are two different verb tenses here... the rest of the narrative is in the past, maybe both of these should be too, although I understand that this could disrupt the meter... In your head, read "..you know the place I mean, where birches crowd the view." You have to be careful with tenses used in a descriptive sense, when the narrative is in another...and this is descriptive narrative. So I keep this one[i]
but then, transfixed, I stopped and sighed. Transfixed by what?[i] you have a point here. Is not the foregone described vista transfixing? Do I need to link it in? I will look at it. Thanks
From deep within I realised
a sadness dwelt there, minimised
by all the years of living lies,
choked by another's binding ties:
a love that I once knew. melancholy ending- the poem definitely sinks in mood as you descend through the stanzas. I like that.

tectak
2000-2014

As I said, I enjoyed this a lot. I think it's really neat and thought-provoking, and I hope that the edits I suggested make sense and help.

Your suggestions are very well received and appreciated. Partial edit has been made but your points will be incorporated where appropriate. Damned good crit.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

hi tom
i had to remove where i said stanza instead of verse, i was half way through the poem before i realised you has a good rhyme scheme. my feedback was a pit picky as i think you have a good solid poem here. the love joy line was the main line that through me, i see love joy as an antique deal on tv. other than that i just had a couple of niggles. i got the feeling of a lot of love in the piece and wondered if indeed the poem was about false memories.

thanks for the read.

False Memory

The last chord squeezed in to the space between me and my head.
I played in blue and minor keys,
drifting shifts on dog-day seas, great d's and s's it reads perfectly
not noticing that memories
were sails that pulled my ship along; i like the metaphor
though by my hand and Siren song
I willingly was led. an inversion that just works and feels in the mood of the verse, though i wonder if it could be better said. a good opening verse with some good alliteration.

I watched a leaden evening sky transmute in to the grail.
Bright fingers, golden, thrust through cloud; not so keen on this inversion, it adds unnecessary punctuation
I saw the cup held up and vowed
that thoughts like these were still allowed.
Though manhood takes from every boy
true telling of that first love joy, first love joy held me up for too long
false memories prevail. a suggestion would be first love, joywhile i like the line i can't see the stated false memories

I walked beside a blue-bell hill where birches crowd the view; a suggestion would be [where birches used to crowd....]
but then, transfixed, I stopped and sighed. is [but] needed?
From deep within I realised
a sadness dwelt there, minimised
by all the years of living lies,
choked by another's binding ties:
a love that I once knew.

tectak
2000-2014

[tectak]

hi tom
i had to remove where i said stanza instead of verse, i was half way through the poem before i realised you has a good rhyme scheme. my feedback was a pit picky as i think you have a good solid poem here. the love joy line was the main line that through me, i see love joy as an antique deal on tv. other than that i just had a couple of niggles. i got the feeling of a lot of love in the piece and wondered if indeed the poem was about false memories.

thanks for the read.

False Memory

The last chord squeezed in to the space between me and my head.
I played in blue and minor keys,
drifting shifts on dog-day seas, great d's and s's it reads perfectly
not noticing that memories
were sails that pulled my ship along; i like the metaphor
though by my hand and Siren song
I willingly was led. an inversion that just works and feels in the mood of the verse, though i wonder if it could be better said. a good opening verse with some good alliteration.

I watched a leaden evening sky transmute in to the grail.
Bright fingers, golden, thrust through cloud; not so keen on this inversion, it adds unnecessary punctuation yes, I am on to it
I saw the cup held up and vowed
that thoughts like these were still allowed.
Though manhood takes from every boy
true telling of that first love joy, first love joy held me up for too long Would hyphenating first-love help?
false memories prevail. a suggestion would be first love, joywhile i like the line i can't see the stated false memories It came from erthonas astute observation that old age makes liars of us all...so though we no longer have an audience to listen to our reports of our early loves we still remember them...but perhaps add more to the memory than there really ever was. Sad really

I walked beside a blue-bell hill where birches crowd the view; a suggestion would be [where birches used to crowd....] No. They still crowd there. It was the walking that was past tense...the trees are contemporaneous. I wandered (past tense) lonely as a cloud, that floats (present) on high blah blah. Yes?
but then, transfixed, I stopped and sighed. is [but] needed? No....but the meters running. I'm only human.
From deep within I realised
a sadness dwelt there, minimised
by all the years of living lies,
choked by another's binding ties:
a love that I once knew.

tectak
2000-2014

Thanks billy, it is great to write stuff again after a bit of a caesura....pleasure gets in the way of poetry. Thanks for this. The line on "fingers, golden " is for the chop.
Best,
tectak