Dead Bolt

[Lizzie]

Morning's awaiting the slide and the thunk
of the dead bolt
locking behind you; it listens for chirps
from your car keys,

signals of hushing alarms. In the stillness, the tea pot
whistles then yawns to the clicking of Legos the kids build;
murmuring hums from the dishwasher singing its calm hymn.
Finding my pen like a friend at a party, we talk men—
whispering phrases the kids shouldn't hear till they've grown old.

Footsteps approaching
the patio door bring a quick chill:
words back in place, in their books
lest they slip out
and blame me.

---

*slight changes made from feedback, Aug. 25*

[brynmawr1]

Morning's awaiting the slide and the thunk
of the dead bolt
locking behind you; it listens for chirps      Both L1 and L3 have strong rhythm and wording but the other lines break that to my ear.  either cut L2 and L4 as they are implied or try to continue with stronger wording to better continue the rhythm.
from your car keys,
                                                                               I like the transition here of pace from S1 to S2
signals of hushing alarms. In the stillness, the tea pot
whistles then yawns to the clicking of Legos the kids build;        the image of the tea pot yawning is good but get a little lost with the Legos clicking; built?
murmuring hums from the dishwasher singing its calm hymn.
Finding my pen like a friend at a party, we talk men—                   this is my favorite line, good sonics and interesting
whispering phrases the kids shouldn't hear till they grow old.     'they've grown old' just sounds better to me, can't explain it
Chatting, erasing, our thoughts can't be bound or be set free.        the second 'be' doesn't work for me, doesn't fit the rhythm to my ear

Footsteps approaching
the patio door give a quick chill:     bring?
words back in place, in their books
lest they slip out
and you blame me.                 I think bringing it back to S1 with the mention of 'you' helps complete the circle of the poem

Hi Lizzie,
I really like the image of the writer sitting in their private quiet feeling their surroundings and the special relationship with the pen.  I feel a little sorry for the ambiguous interloper that unknowingly interrupts the narrators "happy place".  I've made notes of my impressions above just to provide my prospective for your consideration.
Enjoyed the read,
steve

[Knot]

Hi Lizzie.
Enjoyed, particularly the 'finding my pen' line.


Morning's awaiting the slide and the thunk
of the dead bolt
locking behind you; it listens for chirps
from your car keys,
.......Not that keen on the contraction of 'Morning is' (feels somehow less definite than it should be.)
Also, not really following how morning (I'm assuming that what the 'it' in 'it listens' refers to) listens.


Morning's awaiting the slide
and the thunk of the dead bolt
locking behind you; the chirps
from your car keys, hushing alarms


signals of hushing alarms. In the stillness, the tea pot
whistles then yawns to the clicking of Legos the kids build;
murmuring hums from the dishwasher singing its calm hymn.
Finding my pen like a friend at a party, we talk men—
whispering phrases the kids shouldn't hear till they grow old.
Chatting, erasing, our thoughts can't be bound or be set free.
........... Is there anything more ... interesting than 'stillness'? It seems rather generic in what becomes a very particular scene.
(Agree with bryn about 'yawns'.)
I'd strongly urge the cutting of the final two lines of this verse, it would, I think, be much stronger without them.


In the stillness, the tea pot
whistlesthen sighs/fumes
to the clicking of Legos,
the dishwasher's humming
its hymn to the workaday.
Finding my pen
like a friend at a party,
we talk men—


Footsteps approaching
the patio door give a quick chill:
words back in place, in their books
lest they slip out
and blame me.
....... I don't think 'a quick chill' works that well (nor am I sure what 'patio door' is bringing.)
Would suggest switching 'me' to 'you' in the last line.


Footsteps approaching
a clatter and scramble
of words rushing back
to their books
then closing the covers
before they can slip out
and blame you.




Best, Knot


.

[ennuibrion]

Hello

I find this interesting conceptually. Some thoughts.

I would suggest cutting the second line since it is the title. Your reader will get it .
Perhaps yawning to the kids' Legos clicking?
Most hymns are calm. I'd suggest something else.
I would definitely cut the word old. If they're grown, they're old.
The ending feels a little unclear. That part is not quite there yet.
This poem has possibilities

[armadillosarecool]

Hi Lizzie,

This is a great piece and there's a lot to love within it. There were a few little things as far as flow and coherence go that I'm going to mention; but no matter what I have to say, it's a fine poem.

Morning's awaiting the slide and the thunk
of the dead bolt first two lines are solid!
locking behind you; it listens for chirps seems like Knot read the "it" as morning listening, I read it as the dead bolt listening at first. On looking closer at how the grammar works in this stanza, it does seem to indicate the "morning" as listening. In that case, I would agree with Knot that the idea of morning listening is a bit unclear. If your idea was to have the dead bolt listening, you may want to rework it a bit.
from your car keys,

signals of hushing alarms. In the stillness, the tea pot "tea pot whistles then yawns" is gorgeous imagery, though I agree with bryn that the part about the Legos doesn't quite mesh. "yawns to the clicking" to me insinuates that the tea pot is somehow following a rhythm set by the Legos. 
whistles then yawns to the clicking of Legos the kids build;
murmuring hums from the dishwasher singing its calm hymn. the way this line is worded is sort of confusing and contradictory, it does not paint a particularly clear image in my mind.
Finding my pen like a friend at a party, we talk men— good line
whispering phrases the kids shouldn't hear till they've grown old. I like this line as well, but I feel like there might be a more concise way to put it. I can't think of anything of the top of my head, though, so it's probably fine. Maybe something like "whispering phrases the kids shouldn't hear with their tender ears"? that might be a little cliché but maybe a more subtle reference to their youth might work and be a little less wordy.

Footsteps approaching
the patio door bring a quick chill: I actually don't terribly mind "bring" here, nor do I dislike the ideas brought up here in general, but I agree with others that the last stanza could be reworked.
words back in place, in their books Specifically, "word's back in place" beginning the sort of countdown of the final three lines feels too abrupt and kind of disrupts the reading. I think reordering those ideas in some fashion would improve flow. I think Knot's suggested revision sounds good, something in that vein.
lest they slip out
and blame me.


Overall, I enjoyed your poem quite a bit and many of my points were mainly small things/nitpicks. Excited to see where this goes!

Best,

aac

[Pjames]

Morning's awaiting the slide and the thunk
of the dead bolt
locking behind you; it listens for chirps
from your car keys,

signals of hushing alarms. In the stillness, the tea pot
whistles then yawns to the clicking of Legos the kids build;
murmuring hums from the dishwasher singing its calm hymn.
Finding my pen like a friend at a party, we talk men—
whispering phrases the kids shouldn't hear till they've grown old.

Footsteps approaching
the patio door bring a quick chill:
words back in place, in their books
lest they slip out
and blame me.

Your poem is clear, which I like.  You seem to be describing the day of a stay-at-home mom.  The only thing that isn't clear is, who are you talking to after the father/husband leaves?  I assume it's a girlfriend, but would prefer it if the poet identified the person.  Still, if you don't change the poem, I think it works as it is.

To me, the most significant aspect of this poem is the implication that the mother/wife has an interest in other men.

If I've interpreted the poem incorrectly, please let me know.  My comprehension isn't always great.  I'm a very literal-minded person.

[crow]

#

Dead bolt

Morning's awaiting the slide and the thunk
of the dead bolt
locking behind you; it listens for chirps
from your car keys,

signals of hushing alarms. In the stillness, the tea pot
whistles then yawns to the clicking of Legos the kids build;
murmuring hums from the dishwasher singing its calm hymn.
Finding my pen like a friend at a party, we talk men—
whispering phrases the kids shouldn't hear till they've grown old.

Footsteps approaching
the patio door bring a quick chill:
words back in place, in their books
lest they slip out
and blame me.

This is an extraordinary poem. The idea is that someone will read a romantic fantasy and mistake as real. Instead of a child’s key fastening a diary, there’s a deadbolt fastening a happy home.

So, if we understand each other, get rid of that awful semicolon. Poets underestimate the drama of a period. Semicolons are so misused that their proper use is skunked. And this use in particular is suspect.

That’s the easy part.

Also the easy part, you’ve handled rhyme and rhythm properly, and I trust you’ll stay steady with each.

Now.

Here’s what you need to edit for: precision and oomph.

It’s clear to my eye that the fulcrum of this poem’s power is pronoun substitution. There’s a lovely sub of “it listens” right on line two. Clearly, a deadbolt isn’t listening. The speaker is listening. There are several instances of this throughout. Examine every pronoun for more mustard. From “your” car keys could be “from your car’s keys” if you want to hang the driver or “from our car keys” or “from our car’s keys.”

In my opinion, you should edit for drama and then reedit for truth.

The worst line in the poem is “Footsteps approaching”. Who is alarmed. Why? Do you want, “His footsteps approaching,” “The approaching footsteps of the delivery man,” or what? The approach of footsteps is inert anyway. Dig into this and it’ll lead the rest.

I’d give you micro notes, but you don’t need them. This is the story of a chaste woman with charged fantasies. Make it thrilling. Figure out how to leverage those weird pronoun uses into the sparkle on a lot stick of dynamite.

---

Rereading, you have two awkward semicolons and a useless colon. Your goal is to discard punctuation, not to make it important.

You’re good at the fundamentals. Now, figure out what kind of object you want to hurt us with. A bat? A hammer? An epee? A scalpel? The only thing audiences want is injury. Squeeze our fucking bruise and twist. We love injury more than anything else. And a semicolon never hurt anyone.

---

*a lit stick

---

Just, I have to say this, dead bolt, quick chill, kids build, calm hymn, and especially “blame me”—when I say you have the rhythm under control, I’m talking about those masterful spondaic tensions and the rhymes they go with.