Soporific (new title)

[brynmawr1]

Waves licking the shore
wet lips mouthing lullabies-
deep loquacious sleep.

Spent last weekend in a cabin on a lake.  It was beautiful but the constant lapping of waves at night was annoying me.  What is also annoying is the endless versions of this poem I wrote since then and this one is nothing like all the others.  In the end, the poem always wins.

[TranquillityBase]

Waves licking the shore
lips smacking wet lullabies
makes for anxious sleep

"smacking" ?  what about "mouthing"?  smacking seems too loud a word to me.

[brynmawr1]

Waves licking the shore
lips smacking wet lullabies
makes for anxious sleep

"smacking" ?  what about "mouthing"?  smacking seems too loud a word to me.

They were annoyingly loud but i like mouthing.  Reads better.  
Thanks TqB

[Valerie Please]

Waves licking the shore
wet lips mouthing lullabies
makes for anxious sleep

Spent last weekend in a cabin on a lake.  It was beautiful but the constant lapping of waves at night was annoying me.  What is also annoying is the endless versions of this poem I wrote since then and this one is nothing like all the others

Oh dear! With the title, I thought that this was an extended metaphor for a colonoscopy. I thought the drugs they used to put you out must have been pretty wild!

What about "wet lips slurping lullabies" because I think that has a nice sonic effect?

And maybe a different title . . . like "Weekend Getaway"?

[brynmawr1]

Waves licking the shore
wet lips mouthing lullabies
makes for anxious sleep

Spent last weekend in a cabin on a lake.  It was beautiful but the constant lapping of waves at night was annoying me.  What is also annoying is the endless versions of this poem I wrote since then and this one is nothing like all the others

Oh dear! With the title, I thought that this was an extended metaphor for a colonoscopy. I thought the drugs they used to put you out must have been pretty wild!

What about "wet lips slurping lullabies" because I think that has a nice sonic effect?

And maybe a different title . . . like "Weekend Getaway"?

Hi VP,
I hate titles.  I was trying to hint at the water sounds causing frequent trips to the bathroom but it's a stretch.
bryn

[Mark A Becker]

Hi Steve-

That title has got to go, brother.  It screwed the whole thing up for me.

The haiku/senryu is okay by me except for that word 'anxious'- it just doesn't seem to fit in, especially with 'lullabies' in such close proximity.  I get it when I read the spoiler, but you do know, of course, that explaining is cheating.

For me, the sounds from the first 2 lines are delicious.

I'd suggest an 'L' word in place of 'anxious'.  These short ones are so much 'fun', right?

Thanks,
Mark

[brynmawr1]

Hi Steve-

That title has got to go, brother.  It screwed the whole thing up for me.

The haiku/senryu is okay by me except for that word 'anxious'- it just doesn't seem to fit in, especially with 'lullabies' in such close proximity.  I get it when I read the spoiler, but you do know, of course, that explaining is cheating.

For me, the sounds from the first 2 lines are delicious.

I'd suggest an 'L' word in place of 'anxious'.  These short ones are so much 'fun', right?

Thanks,
Mark

Hey Mark,
Yeah, I haven't gotten around to changing the title yet.  I do enjoy writing the short ones (they fit my attention span), but do get lost in the infinite possibilities.  Funny how the shorter it gets the more the forks in the road grow. So many ideas for the last line!  I'll just have to pick one.

I have to say that I appreciate everyone pushing each other to be better, get beyond.

Thanks mark,
steve

[Valerie Please]

[/quote]
Hi VP,
I hate titles.  I was trying to hint at the water sounds causing frequent trips to the bathroom but it's a stretch.
bryn
[/quote]

TBH I hate them too so in a way you're my hero now for intentionally crashing the car into the wall. But yes, maybe the new title is better.