Good Old Fashioned Courage v2
#1
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v2
Good Old Fashioned Courage


It is, as one may see, a grievous wound,
an injury that would, I'm certain, kill

a lesser man. So, Doctor, don't deceive us,
spare me the sickly, sugar-coated pill.

And dispense with Latin. Say what's wrong, please,
in simple words, so common folk can ken:
am I 'sic transit', 'going Dodo', how long
have I got? This waiting is a burden.


Though I do lie prone, pallid, weak, yet, see
my family have gathered round about.
Each salutes with a kiss, not an epithet,
upon my cheek. A breeze. I do not doubt

'tis preface to that Eternal Winter,
ere I go, pray, rid me of this splinter











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Good Old Fashioned Courage
(or, A Pain in the Arse)


It is, as one may see, a grievous wound
an injury that would, for certain, kill

a lesser man. Do not, Doctor, deceive us,
I beg, nor seek to sugar-coat the pill.

Dispense with Latin, say what is wrong, please,

use simple words, so common folk can ken:
am I 'sic transit', is my 'game up', how long
have I got? This wait is such a burden.

And though I lie prone, pallid, weak, yet see

my family all gathered here, round about,
do adorn my name with love, not epithet,
tis such relief. A breeze? I do not doubt

that this chill be the first breath of Winter,

still, I pray thee, rid me of this splinter






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#2
not a lot to say really. if the poem is altered, the couplet loses what power it has. it's clever enough and humorous enough that it stands up well enough. i like the enjambment specially in the 2nd line. some good D's and k sounds. i enjoyed it.

i know it's in serious, but i don't want to pull it apart for the sake of it.
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#3
(05-15-2019, 08:46 PM)Knot Wrote:  .
Good Old Fashioned Courage
(or, A Pain in the Arse)


It is, as one may see, a grievous wound end of line comma needed
an injury that would, for certain, kill

a lesser man. Do not, Doctor, deceive us, could be made regular IP if desired - "... O, Doctor, don't deceive us,"
I beg, nor seek to sugar-coat the pill.

Dispense with Latin, say what is wrong, please, again, could be IP (e.g. "Latin, what's the matter, please--")

use simple words, so common folk can ken: nicely humorous, "may ken" would be too smooth
am I 'sic transit', is my 'game up', how long could lose the "is" here
have I got? This wait is such a burden. there is, obviously, no way to have both this rhyme and IP - which is humorously genius

And though I lie prone, pallid, weak, yet see

my family all gathered here, round about, could lose "here" and the last comma
do adorn my name with love, not epithet, could lose "do"
tis such relief. A breeze? I do not doubt " 'tis," strictly speaking

that this chill be the first breath of Winter, might insert a foot here - "...first sharp breath" and em-dash instead of comma

still, I pray thee, rid me of this splinter perhaps "but" before "still," or replace "still" with "and yet" or the like
.

Since Intensive was requested, a few notes on how this could be trimmed into a Shakespearean sonnet "with the bark left on," i.e. no A rhyme in the quatrains.

The thing is, the subject calls for a humorously inconsistent construction - and the work certainly includes a sonnet-style turn at the end. The suggestions above are merely observations you might consider if you wanted to make it more - not excessively - regular.  Except for the punctuation, it works just fine as is.
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#4
(05-16-2019, 04:45 PM)billy Wrote:  i know it's in serious, but i don't want to pull it apart for the sake of it.
Fair enough, billy. Thanks for taking the time to comment though.

________________________



Hi duke.

Since Intensive was requested, a few notes on how this could be trimmed into a Shakespearean sonnet "with the bark left on," i.e. no A rhyme in the quatrains.
Thanks for the detailed crit, duke, much appreciated.  In my defence there is an A rhyme, it's just the penultimate word in L1 rhyming with the final word in L3, not the expected end rhymes.

It is, as one may see, a grievous wound

end of line comma needed
Yes. Bugger. Thanks.
an injury that would, for certain, kill
a lesser man. Do not, Doctor, deceive us,
could be made regular IP if desired - "... O, Doctor, don't deceive us,"
Now you've gone and done it. I do like 'O, Doctor' but not keen on
contractions. Decisions, decisions ...
I beg, nor seek to sugar-coat the pill.

Dispense with Latin, say what is wrong, please,

again, could be IP (e.g. "Latin, what's the matter, please--")
I like it, but it messes my rhyme 'scheme'.
use simple words, so common folk can ken:
nicely humorous, "may ken" would be too smooth
(this was is closer in rhythm to 'burden' ... I hope).
am I 'sic transit', is my 'game up', how long
could lose the "is" here
have I got? This wait is such a burden.
there is, obviously, no way to have both this rhyme and IP - which is humorously genius
Put an alternative to this in the revision. Which do you prefer? Personally, I think the joke
is better in this version, but ...

And though I lie prone, pallid, weak, yet see

my family all gathered here, round about,
could lose "here" and the last comma
do adorn my name with love, not epithet,
could lose "do"
tis such relief. A breeze? I do not doubt
" 'tis," strictly speaking
Yes, my mistake. Thanks.
that this chill be the first breath of Winter,
might insert a foot here - "...first sharp breath" and em-dash instead of comma
Arg! You beat me to it. I finally had that foot thought myself. Not keen on 'sharp'
(seems a little predictable) but will work on it. Thanks.
still, I pray thee, rid me of this splinter perhaps
"but" before "still," or replace "still" with "and yet" or the like
'still' was 'yet' a few drafts back, maybe time to reinstate it.

Posted a revision based on you feedback.


Thanks again.


Best, Knot.
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#5
Have to acknowledge that I missed the more subtle internal rhyme/alliteration.

The edit is an improvement, from my perspective of preferring more conventional meter; I think it reads better, but that's just me.
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