from the balcony; gold shot
from the shadows, snatching
my attention. Past the yard, there's darkness,
cool and wet where things that may not be
hide in the gossiping of leaves. Maybe
I shouldn't be out here digging
right now. I dust my knees, set down
the garden shovel, then headed back inside.
Before climbing up the balcony steps,
there was a ring, lodged in silt
beneath the softly flowing creek,
winking in the light.
Wires clattering, I found him stooped
beneath his desk. Dad, look.
I held out his relief. Time
went on until I was a pirate,
swinging from a blanket tethered
to my upper bunk bed, when I heard
him and Ma yelling in the living room.
Their words are bitter as a morning
coffee without the routine sugar.
I'm not sure what I can do.
I leave my room and see
Ma go outside
to fling something
it was flung from out the balcony
and caught the corner of my eye -corner of my eye is cliche
as it flashed across the air
and plopped into the shallow creek
and diffused its bed into a dirty smoke. -whose bed, the ghosts? this is where the title first confused me.
Had it been some greedy ghost -another reason u don't need ghost as the title, otherwise it is also redundant
protecting with a mesh of roots - is it the mesh of roots protecting the treasure, or the ghost?
their buried treasure from my excavation
of our green and even yard?
If it is, then they are watching -they? who's watching? the ghosts? I can't know yet, this troubles me
and I had better stop this mess -so far, I am confused
and head back in prepared
with my dirty knees and palms
to accidentally confess
the reason for my quietude. -it took many reads to understand someone is excavating/digging not clear about what, exactly, it is distracting
Before I reached the stairs I saw
what looked like my father's ring
winking in the silt beneath
the softly sluicing crystal water
among the natural trickery of light -why is light trickery, if it's natural?
in each ebbing pocket -pocket?
of the surface and the trickery -trickery is a quirky, noticeable, word, I wouldn't use it twice
of something else
that made it feel as if
this has happened all before. -I try not to end stanzas/sentences with a preposition, but I know it is often difficult, as to maintain the narrator's voice.
I found my father scrambling
along the cords beneath his desk -why was he scrambling if he flung his own ring?
and called to him and held my hand out
to reveal his relief in the grimy wet ring
in my filthy palms that reminded him to remind me -why does the speaker need reminding if he/she retrieved the ring?
his ring is not some low-cost trinket.
Weeks later,
he and my mother had an argument;
over what? I can't remember.
But it was just enough
for her to take his ring out back
and in a fit of rage,
love, and love that's motherly, -okay, so the ring keeps getting tossed by mom and dad
and a child keeps finding it?
Hi, alexandorande
The title threw me off greatly. The only thing ghostly I got from the read was how my mind felt, as though I were standing in a misty dream trying to figure out who the characters were and what was happening, and then I felt my lack of comprehension may have been missing some genius metaphor along the way. It took many reads to understand the general plot. When I began to catch on to the scene, I felt sort of sorry for the child with dirty palms and wondered if it was symbolic of the occult, also I wondered about the significance of the protective roots. I also wondered why one would be willing to keep digging or reaching in the muck as if the speaker's fate/life/purpose was reliant on the actions of his/her parents. I did have a strong feeling the loyalty of the child to his/her parents, those who loved him/her most, was the drive of her mission. I liked the cleverness of attempting a round in the poem, but wondered if a title change would have given it better flow, too. I think some clarity throughout might make it into a fine poem that achieves your infinite goal. I hope to see what happens here.
Hi nibbed
Thank you for your comments. I'll be sure to revise with your words in mind. I was struggling with the title a bit and I hope to come up with a better one that more accurately addresses the themes and what's going on in the poem. I also messed up with the ghost/roots/protecting the treasure part. I don't know how that slipped me haha, gonna fix that.
I am sorry I so blatantly ditched your ghost title. It was out of sheer ignorance, though I'm not sure it would be helpful to a typical reader. I am not aware of common metaphor used in writing and poetry. I just googled ghost used in metaphor and learned it is symbolic of our past, or a weight of our past. That could explain your choice of its use as ghosts might indicate past troubles that would cause the rings to be tossed. I am a novice of poetry code, and what I had learned in the past, I am afraid I've forgotten. I hope to see your final revision. Have a wonderful day.
Okay, I'm pretty confident about this edit but I'm pretty sure there are ways I can make this a more evocative piece. Open to all suggestions. Thanks for the read and your time.
Hey alexorande,
I like the story in this poem. I do have some suggestions though:
(09-16-2017, 05:55 AM)alexorande Wrote: A Ghost
it was flung from out the balcony -I would suggest dropping "out" here. It isn't needed.
and had a sharply yanking light -The wording "sharply yanking light" doesn't sit well with me. I kinda get what you mean. I just wonder if you could express it more clearly?
at my attention like those lousy handles
on those kitchen drawers getting caught -Comparing the flung ring to these drawers struck me as a bit strange at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I think that it is an apt comparison.
inside a belt loop- jerking at the hips; -I like the wording of "jerking at the hips" because it creates an interesting image in my mind. It also seems somewhat sexual. Was that your intention?
and I considered if it was a trout -I think the trout image works here. I just wonder if you could come up with something more in keeping with the image of the stuck drawer.
that made its sound
of plopping in the shallow creek- -
where a trout would --actually---Others will probably disagree, but I don't think you need to emphasize "actually" with the italics.
splash for life. -I like the line break here because "splash for life" is worth emphasizing.
Had it been some greedy specter -This made me think of a dead pirate. I think that could be a fun image to expand upon.
protecting buried treasure
from my excavation
of our green and even yard? -Other than tying into the title, I'm unsure what this stanza has to do with the main plot of the poem. I would suggest either expanding on it, so it becomes more important to the poem, or cut it.
If it is, then they are watching -Are "they" other ghosts or angels? Again, you could easily cut this line and just start the second stanza with the next line (just omit the "and" at the start of it).
and I had better stop this mess
and head back in to leave -I'm not sure if you need to repeat "and" here. This is something I've been guilty of in my writing, so I understand what you are going for here.
bits of muddy shadows that confess -I like the wording here. I just wonder how bits of mud can confess anything. I might be nit-picking here.
the reason for my quietude. -I actually googled "quietude" because I didn't think it was a word. It is a word, but it seems too cold for me. The speaker must care about his/her parents, or why would they search so hard for the ring? This word just doesn't seem to capture the appropriate feeling to me.
Before I reached the stairs I saw
what looked like my father's ring -These two lines are too conversational for my liking, especially the second one. I would suggest rewording them.
loosely lodged into the silt beneath
the softly flowing limpid water -Why is there water in the backyard? I might of missed something. It wouldn't be the first time.
winking at its artifice and artfice -Typo in the second "artifice".
that made it feel like
this has happened all before. -I get the feeling this has happened before, so why not just say that?
I found my father scrambling
along the cords beneath his desk -I don't understand why the speaker's father is doing this. Is he trying to hide from his wife?
and called to him and held out my hand -I would suggest cutting this line because it doesn't add much to the story.
to reveal his relief in the grimy wet ring -If you cut the line above, you can just change it to: "I revealed his relief in the grimy wet ring"
in my filthy palms that reminded him to remind me -This gave me the impression that the father started talking about his wedding day. Was that your intention?
his ring is a memento of the day
he said his lifelong vows -I would suggest cutting this and the previous line. They just don't tell me anything I don't already know about wedding rings.
to the slaving woman known by me as "mom" -How is she "slaving"? I feel like this is an image that needs to be expanded upon.
and an expensive ring at that. -In my opinion, this information is unnecessary.
Weeks later, -This line is necessary for the narrative, but I would suggest attaching it to the next line.
they had an argument like they forgot
the sugar in the coffee -I find the wording in this and the last line a bit unclear. Are they arguing about sugar in their coffee?
they talked over almost every morning; -I get what you mean here, but it sounds too conversational to me.
and every word was black and bitter
and exchanged unfiltered; -I like the metaphor here with the coffee. It works well with what the reader has been shown of their relationship.
until she took his ring
and, with all her anger, -May be end with a "..." instead of a comma. I could be wrong, but I think that would give the reader an even greater indication that the poem loops.
I wanted to have this neat effect where the poem loops into itself. Let me know how I did with the beginning and ending lines of this poem, if I should just scratch the idea in favor of something better, or better the material in between to make that loop more effective. Thank you for the read, and I'm looking forward to the final version I end up at.
The title of "A Ghost" kind of grew back on me while I was thinking of another title. I'm still open to suggestions on the title though.
I think you have a good first draft here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.
Thanks a bunch for your comments. In the second stanza I was trying to portray this ghost as anything other than what could've been my mom. I think I might've found a solution for that in my edit. Also if I end with an ellipsis would it be fine to begin with one as well to imply the poem loops? I did so in my first edit and if it doesn't work just let me know.
Hey alexorande,
I like some of your edits here quite a bit. However, I still have some suggestions:
(09-16-2017, 05:55 AM)alexorande Wrote: A Ghost
...it was flung from the balcony
and yanked at my attention
as if it were a belt loop
on a kitchen drawer handle;
and I considered if it was a trout
that made its sound
of plopping in the shallow creek-
where a trout would actually
splash for life. -I like the slight changes to this stanza, and I think it sets up the story in this poem nicely.
Had it been some boogeyman -I get what you're going for in this stanza. However, I wonder if it would be more effective if the speaker just talked about the actual digging. May be work in how he feels through the description of it.
that didn't want me digging up
our green and even yard?
If it is, then it's watching
and I had better stop this mess
and head back in to leave
bits of muddy shadows that reveal
the reason for my silence. -I still like the image of the mud. I wonder if you could use it to help you with my suggestion above?
A step before the stairs
I saw my father's ring
loosely lodged into the silt beneath
the softly flowing limpid water,
winking in the light.
A sight I might've seen
within a dream. -I would suggest cutting the last two lines in this stanza. They don't add much.
I found my father scrambling
along the cords beneath his desk,
called to him, and revealed his relief
in my filthy palms, a grimy wet ring. -This stanza reads better now. Something I've learned from my time on this site, is that sometimes less is more.
Weeks later, I had been a pirate swinging -This stanza really changed how I viewed the speaker. From some reason, I never thought he was this young. I can't explain why.
from a blanket tethered to
the upper bunk bed when I heard
a commotion from the living room.
One of parents arguing
with words that scratched the air
with forgotten sugar's bitterness
in the coffee they talked over
almost every morning.
Soon I figured this was not
a matter of forgotten sugar
when my mom had took his ring
and in a fit of anger... -I really like the reworking of this stanza. I think you got a solid "ending" here. As well, I like the use of an ellipsis at the start and end.
it was flung from the balcony
and had a sharply yanking light
at my attention like those lousy handles
on those kitchen drawers getting caught
inside a belt loop- jerking at the hips;
and I considered if it was a trout
that made its sound
of plopping in the shallow creek-
where a trout would actually
splash for life.
Had it been some greedy specter
protecting buried treasure
from my excavation
of our green and even yard?
If it is, then they are watching
and I had better stop this mess
and head back in to leave
bits of muddy shadows that confess
the reason for my quietude.
Before I reached the stairs I saw
what looked like my father's ring
loosely lodged into the silt beneath
the softly flowing limpid water
winking at its artifice and artfice
that made it feel like
this has happened all before.
I found my father scrambling
along the cords beneath his desk
and called to him and held out my hand
to reveal his relief in the grimy wet ring
in my filthy palms that reminded him to remind me
his ring is a memento of the day
he said his lifelong vows
to the slaving woman known by me as "mom"
and an expensive ring at that.
Weeks later,
they had an argument like they forgot
the sugar in the coffee
they talked over almost every morning;
and every word was black and bitter
and exchanged unfiltered;
until she took his ring
and, with all her anger,
I wanted to have this neat effect where the poem loops into itself. Let me know how I did with the beginning and ending lines of this poem, if I should just scratch the idea in favor of something better, or better the material in between to make that loop more effective. Thank you for the read, and I'm looking forward to the final version I end up at.
The title of "A Ghost" kind of grew back on me while I was thinking of another title. I'm still open to suggestions on the title though.
I like what I'm seeing, and hope my additional comments are helpful.
After 6 years I decided to come back and see what I could change and improve on here. And there was so much to improve on and there's most likely so much more
(09-16-2017, 05:55 AM)alonso ramoran Wrote: from the balcony; gold shot
from the shadows, snatching
my attention. Past the yard, there's darkness,
cool and wet where things that may not bethis is quite a mouthful/eyeful; I'd suggest trying to find a briefer/clearer phrase; "transient creatures"? "phantom presences"? does "things" refer to inanimate or animate or both? hide in the gossiping of leaves. Maybe great image
I shouldn't be out here digging
right now. I dust my knees, set down
the garden shovel, then headed back inside. ?
Before climbing up the balcony steps, gets a little iffy here; I think you should mention the creek somehow in first stanza; the creek comes out of nowhere there was a ring, lodged in silt I saw a ring.....
beneath the softly flowing creek,
winking in the light. not sure about "winking"; flickering, flashing?
Wires clattering, I found him stooped not sure wires "clatter"
beneath his desk. Dad, look. I held out his relief. Timeanother good line, makes reader wonder why it's a relief
went on until I was a pirate, OK, having already read the poem to the end, I'm aware you are playing with time; so maybe something to indicate that here; or maybe cut it.
swinging from a blanket tethered
to my upper bunk bed, when I heard
him and Ma yelling in the living room.
Their words are bitter as a morning you are mixing tenses quite liberally; I'm not sure if it's deliberate or not
coffee without the routine sugar.
I'm not sure what I can do.
I leave my room and see Ma go outside to fling somethinghere's the aha! moment, when reader looks up to the beginning and realizes you're taking him in a circle
AR,
What you are doing here is very interesting (and ambitious). For me, it works.
I don't know if it matters, but I didn't study past versions or comments before critiquing this version.
It's a bit confusing, the tenses vary, and the line breaks, especially the opening couplet are awkward (and don't really match the rest of the poem.)
But I think its real weakness is the title.
from the balcony; gold shot
from the shadows, snatching
my attention.
.......... this is awkward, and, I think, in the wrong place.
Past the yard, there's darkness,
cool and wet where things that may not be
hide in the gossiping of leaves. Maybe
............ this is terrific, makes me want to keep reading
I shouldn't be out here digging
right now. I dust my knees, set down
the garden shovel, then head back inside.
................ 'shouldn't be' suggests present tense (also, 'right now') / 'headed back' is paste tense (so 'head back' to match.)
I wonder if 'digging' should be 'hunting for treasure' to tie in to the pirates later?
Before climbing up the balcony steps,
there was a ring, lodged in silt
beneath the softly flowing creek,
winking in the light.
...............the jump from 'before climbing' to 'there was a ring' reads awkwardly. And again, shouldn't this be present tense. There is a ring?
I think this is where the opening couplet should go (between your stanzas 2 and 3) After all, if it snatched your attention why has it taken you this long to get around to it? So
gold shoots from the balcony
(surely there's a shooting star image or something here?)
lands, almost soundlessly
in the silt ...
Wires clattering, I found him stooped
beneath his desk. Dad, look.
I held out his relief. Time
..... again the tenses are muddled. Is this verse trying too hard? What are the 'wires' and why are they clattering? Why is he beneath his desk (it doesn't convey searching so why?) Ending on 'look' would be stronger, I think.
I find Dad at his desk,
"Look."
Later, I'm a pirate (again)
swinging ...
went on until I was a pirate,
swinging from a blanket tethered
to my upper bunk bed, when I heard
him and Ma yelling in the living room.
........ do you have to be explicit here? Might there argument not be represented as a storm or something?
Their words are bitter as a morning
coffee without the routine sugar.
.......... it's a stronger image without the explanatory note.
