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Ask me anything.
We need to talk about it.
You don't have to phrase it in any particular way,
or worry about saying something non-PC.
Let's be real and talk about everything
to do with the freak.
We have a history of the ‘freak’, like,
“you’re a freak, get away from me.”
I've reclaimed the words – I am
a natural born freak – not as an insult
but as identity and power.
Freak, to me, is rarity. I see
people describing themselves as freaks
because they want to seem
less human. I use it to feel
more human. I love the bed of nails,
I like putting a nail up my nose,
that fine line between pleasure
and pain. I use my sense of touch,
I use my sense of hearing
to do aerials, hula hoops –
have you ever hooped?
Hold it behind your back with your hands tight,
turning little circles with your stomach.
Front, side, back, side; front, side, back, side.
Give it a bit of momentum;
you’ve got to fling it.
Let’s talk about this idea
of what is beautiful, what is grotesque.
Beauty is absolute awareness of experience.
It's a dangerous idea.
People don’t dare ask me about love
and relationships, if I’m really honest.
Nothing is more dangerous
than falling in love.
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Hey Lizzie,
Your poem deals with some important ideas, but there are times when I feel like you're not fully explaining your ideas. I'll go into more detail below:
(05-17-2017, 12:02 PM)Lizzie Wrote: Ask me anything.
We need to talk about it. -When I first read this, I thought the use of the word "it" was vague. However, it sets up the poem nicely as the rest of this piece fills in what the "it" is.
You don't have to phrase it in any particular way,
or worry about saying something non-PC.
Let's be real and talk about everything
to do with the freak. -This line gives the impression that the speaker was going to talk about a specific freak. May be add some quotation marks, so it syncs up with the next stanza.
We have a history of the ‘freak’, like,
“you’re a freak, get away from me.”
I've reclaimed the words – I am
a natural born freak – not as an insult -The phrase "natural born freak" makes me happy for some reason. In my opinion, it's a phrase that everyone should be able to relate to if they are honest with themselves.
but as identity and power. -I feel like you cover the idea of the speaker using the word freak as part of their identity well. I think you might need to add more to fully address how identifying one's self as a freak gives them power. I get the idea here, but I think you need to explore the power part more.
Freak, to me, is rarity. I see
people describing themselves as freaks
because they want to seem
less human. I use it to feel -I like how this line spills over from stanza to stanza. It gives the sentence emphasis, and that is good because it is important the main idea of your poem.
more human. I love the bed of nails,
I like putting a nail up my nose, -This is all metaphorical, but sums up the speaker's feelings well.
that fine line between pleasure
and pain. I use my sense of touch,
I use my sense of hearing
to do aerials, hula hoops – I get what the speaker is going for here, but how does one use their sense of touch and hearing to do aerials? I would love to see a poem explaining that.
have you ever hooped? -[b]I might be weird, but I don't associate hula hoops with being classified as a "freak." I would deem playing with a hula hoop as being old fashion, but that could just be my own world view. [/b]
Hold it behind your back with your hands tight,
turning little circles with your stomach.
Front, side, back, side; front, side, back, side.
Give it a bit of momentum;
you’ve got to fling it. -The wording in this stanza creates a nice description. In my opinion, this is a very sound stanza.
Let’s talk about this idea
of what is beautiful, what is grotesque. -Does the speaker ever go into more detail about what they think is grotesque?
Beauty is absolute awareness of experience.
It's a dangerous idea. -I love these last two lines. It's such an interesting idea. I just wish you explored it more. I just had a thought... if beauty is an absolute awareness of experience, does that mean grotesqueness is lack of experience or naivety, or the lack of awareness of experience? I would love to see you explore these ideas more.
People don’t dare ask me about love
and relationships, if I’m really honest. -Knowing the info in the spoiler gave these lines more impact. I wish there was a way you could include the info from your spoiler in your poem some how because I think it is incredibly relevant for the reader to know that information.
Nothing is more dangerous
than falling in love. -Again, I like these last two lines, but I think they need to be developed more. This idea about love could be a basis for an entire poem.
I think you have some great ideas here that need to be explored more. I know what found poetry is, but I'm not super familiar with that format, so may be I'm being too harsh, and if that is the case, I apologize in advance. If nothing else, I think you should take some of the ideas here and develop them into their own poems.
Cheers,
Richard
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Without reading previous critic...
(05-17-2017, 12:02 PM)Lizzie Wrote: Ask me anything.
We need to talk about it.
You don't have to phrase it in any particular way,
or worry about saying something non-PC.
Let's be real and talk about everything
to do with the freak. This construction is ambiguous: is sthe speaker talking about 'the freak," a state of being or self-identification, or a third person being discussed - the kid who's a freak and we're not. Later it turns out the first option is meant.
We have a history of the ‘freak’, like,
“you’re a freak, get away from me.” Playing both horns of the ambiguity here - nice.
I've reclaimed the words – I am
a natural born freak – not as an insult
but as identity and power. "[P]ower" is disconcerting - it implies another meaning of "freak," a dangerous/insane person. Is the author advocating for gaining power by going or playing apeshit?
Freak, to me, is rarity. I see
people describing themselves as freaks
because they want to seem
less human. I use it to feel Interesting turn (with the jump to the next stanza) but leaves dangling the idea that the author is manipulating own feelings... to what purpose? Is this honest?
more human. I love the bed of nails,
I like putting a nail up my nose, A nice unresolved ambiguity: I *hope* the second use of "nail" is fingernail, but in this day of body-piercing and razor blades, maybe not. Distinctly freaky, that.
that fine line between pleasure
and pain. I use my sense of touch,
I use my sense of hearing
to do aerials, hula hoops –
have you ever hooped?
Hold it behind your back with your hands tight,
turning little circles with your stomach. Not, perhaps, the best description: the "circles with your stomach" are horizontal rather than vertical (vertical is a bit queasy)... "hips" rather than "stomach?"
Front, side, back, side; front, side, back, side.
Give it a bit of momentum;
you’ve got to fling it. Otherwise a good description of operating a Hula Hoop.
Let’s talk about this idea
of what is beautiful, what is grotesque. "Terribilita," as they said of Michelangelo.
Beauty is absolute awareness of experience. I find this line bafflegab; your mileage may differ.
It's a dangerous idea.
People don’t dare ask me about love
and relationships, if I’m really honest. Another ambiguity: don't dare if speaker is currently being honest, or speaker honestly admitting people won't ask?
Nothing is more dangerous
than falling in love. Seems dangerously close to cliche
Be fore reading the spoiler, I took this to be from a teacher to that kid in the back row. Assuming that when it's published the reader won't see the spoiler until the end, as an author's note, the critique mainly ignores its nature as a found poem.
This is fun; might consider naming Ms. Houbolt in the title, or a subtitle line. That it's made up of live quotes excuses or explains the bafflegab and near-cliche; even acrobats can't think perfectly on their feet all the time.
The idea that this (poem) is for the kid who's worried about being/being called a freak, or just lacks some of the ideas expressed, comes through vaguely. Freakdom often involves obsessive fandom - an otaku, for example; the speaker may inadvertently be placing him/herself in the position of the object of devotion. This connects with the idea of "power," which is then disturbing because it's the power of the stalker ra ther than the random crazy.
On the whole, the poem (still outside its nature as a found poem) is both interesting and (to me) disturbing: do kids these days think it's cool to stick nails up their noses? Some, probably. As a found poem, it tells a lot.
Not many suggestions - since the quotes are what they are, only title, selection, and arrangement are available for edit. How would it read, for example, if the order of the last two paragraphs was reversed - love be fore beauty?
 Non-practicing atheist
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Richard and duke: thanks so much for the feed back 
I agree that I need to find a way to state at the beginning who the words come from and that it's a found poem.
Yes, it's a real nail.  I don't think it's "what the kids are doing these days," she's talking about how she likes to push her body and experience all the sensation she can.
I wish there was more metaphor/simile.  I'll keep looking for more interviews with her, but I'm working with what she's actually said.
Perhaps I'm trying to pack too many ideas into a small space. Hey, it was NaPM, and I had a line requirement!
I just find her ideas really interesting -- I like how she thinks and what she's about, so I wanted to do this as a way of giving her a little (emphasis on little) more exposure.
About the cliche, I'd say yes, except that she's dealing with more danger than most from my perspective. Perhaps I need to preface that statement with something like 'people don't understand why I do such dangerous things.' I guess I'm looking at it from her perspective, and what she presents as her unique challenges. BUT, I don't like a lot of sap in poems or anywhere else, so message received.
I'm interested in the idea of mixing up the stanza order, and I'll think on that.
Anyway, I'll keep scouting for interviews with her, but I'm limited to things that she's actually said. But, if it's not working it's not working. That's the bottom line. So, thanks for letting me know how it hits you or doesn't.
Best,
Lizzie
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I glanced through the o ther critiques and your reply, but only briefly. I know of found poetry, but have never written any (or had any instruction in the form beyond google). Apologies if I overstep!
I like the content of this poem and overall it works well. The content in the first half is somewhat light/safe for my taste but the imagery in the second half is more thought provoking and the ending is arresting. I think it could use more bed-of-nails-style imagery throughout, ei ther with additional quotes or spreading out the ones you do have.
(05-17-2017, 12:02 PM)Lizzie Wrote: Ask me anything. strong first line, particularly with the tie-back in the last stanza
We need to talk about it. steals the thunder of the first line, for me. I get stuck on "if they haven't asked yet, how does she know they need to talk about it?" I would take out this line.
You don't have to phrase it in any particular way,
or worry about saying something non-PC.
Let's be real and talk about everything three conversational, unsurprising lines
to do with the freak. somewhat surprising turn, here.
We have a history of the ‘freak’, like, Maybe insert imagery (or unrelated freaky quote?) here or after next line to drive the point home
“you’re a freak, get away from me.”
I've reclaimed the words – I am I like the line break here and below with "I use it to feel". Gets me thinking of the multiple ways each can be interpreted, and acts as a way to drive home the strong personality on display
a natural born freak – not as an insult
but as identity and power. Maybe another line break after identity? TBH I'm unsure of this suggestion.
Freak, to me, is rarity. I see line break here seems to only serve to make the next line shorter. Is somewhat distracting because I keep looking for the double meanings I found in the other line breaks, but I'm not finding it here. Maybe freak is rarity only she can see? Or only rare for her? Hm. When you read it aloud, would you take a breath here?
people describing themselves as freaks
because they want to seem
less human. I use it to feel love this line / stanza cliffhanger!
more human. I love the bed of nails,
I like putting a nail up my nose,
that fine line between pleasure
and pain. I use my sense of touch,
I use my sense of hearing
to do aerials, hula hoops –
have you ever hooped? OK before I nitpick, I just want to say I love this whole stanza as is. That said, I think you can play with the line breaks for even more punch. Right now, the lines are all the same length which can be a good goal, but especially for a found poem, why constrain yourself? OK... forgive me, this is just for fun and not altogether thought through...
more human. I love the bed of nails,
I like putting a nail up my nose,
that fine line
between pleasure and pain.
I use my sense of touch,
I use my sense
of hearing to do aerials, hula hoops –
have you ever hooped?
Certainly not convinced this is better - I see the fun in making a visual representation of the line between pleasure and pain, which this loses. Eh, just playing around! Favorite stanza regardless!
Hold it behind your back with your hands tight,
turning little circles with your stomach.
Front, side, back, side; front, side, back, side. not sure if this is your thing, and it usually isn't mine, but since the words in this line are so simple, and your role as a poet for found poetry is all in presentation, putting them in a circle on the page could dress it up a bit? Or even putting single words from this line between stanzas in italics or something. Wouldn't translate well to reading it aloud though. Just spitballing.
Give it a bit of momentum;
you’ve got to fling it. this stanza is a fun diversion but I might be missing a metaphor here.
Let’s talk about this idea
of what is beautiful, what is grotesque.
Beauty is absolute awareness of experience.
It's a dangerous idea.
People don’t dare ask me about love nice tie back, brings up questions about the underlying meaning of the rest of the poem and adds mystery and depth to the narrator
and relationships, if I’m really honest. ah, was she not being honest before?
Nothing is more dangerous
than falling in love. great
I think this is a great start. I like the idea of looking for more content, particularly freaky imagery, and hope you can find some. Ever think about trying to contact her with a few interview questions (haha is that cheating??) I want to know more about your narrator! A lot of my suggestions above are just me having fun, so please be sure to take what you like and completely ignore everything else. Hope you find something in there that is helpful!
Best, Elise
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Your comments are really helpful, actually! You're on point about a lot of things. I really know better than to have weak line breaks, so that'll be rectified for sure. Thanks for the help! Much appreciated.
Lizzie
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I remembered this one from napomo, and appreciated how it spoke to me, then when you posted it for critique I read the spoiler and was very impressed that it was found poetry. I never would have heard of this person, and you're sharing with people how you feel about her attitude, makes it fresh and new for me reading at least.
(05-17-2017, 12:02 PM)Lizzie Wrote: Ask me anything.
We need to talk about it. Nice opening, empathetic
You don't have to phrase it in any particular way,
or worry about saying something non-PC.
Let's be real and talk about everything a little babytalkish, coaxing a scared puppy out of hole
to do with the freak.
We have a history of the ‘freak’, like,
“you’re a freak, get away from me.” I like that this is history
I've reclaimed the words – I am
a natural born freak – not as an insult
but as identity and power.
Freak, to me, is rarity. I see
people describing themselves as freaks
because they want to seem so these are spliced quotes? Are these past two strophes all from the same interview? Is found poetry mostly just reformatting?
less human. I use it to feel
more human. I love the bed of nails,
I like putting a nail up my nose,
that fine line between pleasure
and pain. I use my sense of touch,
I use my sense of hearing
to do aerials, hula hoops – I like all the feels in this block, but hula hooping with nailing seems to much contrast, I guess Hoopers in the street by themself could be freaks
have you ever hooped?
Hold it behind your back with your hands tight,
turning little circles with your stomach.
Front, side, back, side; front, side, back, side.
Give it a bit of momentum;
you’ve got to fling it. I like this better knowing it's quoted, very characteristic, I guess in relation to opening up the kid in the back row it's more coaxing, making them feel more at ease with you the speaker
Let’s talk about this idea
of what is beautiful, what is grotesque.
Beauty is absolute awareness of experience.too matter of fact but why not?
It's a dangerous idea.only if closed off to other ideas
People don’t dare ask me about love Nice, ask me anything
and relationships, if I’m really honest.
Nothing is more dangerous falling In love more dangerous than beauty, more aware than absolute, it's cool I wonder if for her falling in love is a thrill ride to be sought, or the only thrill she avoids.
than falling in love.
I don't think I'm ready for found poetry, this ones really good
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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(05-28-2017, 10:40 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote: because they want to seem so these are spliced quotes? Are these past two strophes all from the same interview? Is found poetry mostly just reformatting? Yes, it's text cut and pasted from video and magazine interviews with her. It's all her words.
Nothing is more dangerous falling In love more dangerous than beauty, more aware than absolute, it's cool I wonder if for her falling in love is a thrill ride to be sought, or the only thrill she avoids. Yeah, the idea is that she does all these dangerous stunts, but she won't allow herself to fall in love because, being different, that's the most dangerous thing.
Thanks for the read and interaction with it, Crundle! Points duly noted.
Lizzie
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