1.
The Girl grew up to be a beautiful woman. Men loved her. Men fought for her. Fog fought
Fire, Tremors for her. He won. She ran to him.
An arrow followed. Fog embraced her, drew the same point through
his heart. They fell together, Fire rising from the earth, Tremors wrecking
the countryside.
Thus the Mountain grew, black as the night, obscured by white cloud.
2.After the Typhoon
Cacao lumber scattered
with the bloated -- woman
naked springing out
of muddy water -- white
elder love invades,
the shadow of her breast
crosses her navel, her boat
stirs her river
to the sea, and her voice
calls out: Come! send me your poor,
your sick, your suffering -- savaged
by the climate,
let me lighten your burden.
Her mountain, shape
of heaven -- white burden.
3.
If I were not this coarse a man,
always switching between
good Christian and vile Pagan
with every change of company,
would you have appeared to me,
hot white lady of the mountain,
when I shut off my headlamp
and scrambled down slopes invaded
by American mahogany? But there is
a second error of my nature
insurmountable: I can never be
as humble as your farmer. Even you
couldn't guess at the strange speech
of the pale white man who pitched
his tent so close to your hut,
at the intellectual's lingua franca
as vital to me as my sex.
4.
Surrender now, for God is with us:
his bird, the eagle, is our light.
The black feathered boa that constricts
your throat with ticklish grip, that thins
heaven's air -- the glassy knife
that slides across the skin, that severs
your precious sex -- the orange lump
that lies upon the seat, despised
even by daily crackers, cups of wine --
God shall turn them all to swine!
just as he shaved surrender's head
with summer rain and snow-like ash,
transformed her figs fat on the twigs
into slabs of spotted white,
then entered her dark cave
not with a torch
but with a snuffing wind.
Up Mountains
1. Daragang Magayon: Prologue
Magayon grew up to be
a beautiful woman.
Men loved her. Men
fought for her. Ulap
fought Linog, Pagtuga
for her. He won.
She ran to him.
An arrow followed. Ulap
embraced her, drew
the same point through
his heart. Together,
they fell.
Pagtuga burned.
Linog shook the earth.
A mountain grew,
black as the night,
obscured by white cloud.
2. Maria Cacao: After Typhoon Sendong
Cacao lumber scattered
along the surface -- woman
naked springing out
of muddy water -- white
elder love invades.
Without music, the shadow
of her breast crosses
her navel, her boat
stirs her river
to the sea, and her voice
rings out: come,
send me your poor,
your sick, your suffering
children and old men,
let me lighten your burden.
Her mountain, shape
of heaven -- what a burden.
3. Maria Makiling: Ecological Study in Los Banos
If I were not this coarse a man,
always switching between
good Christian and vile Pagan
with every change of company,
would you have appeared to me,
hot white lady of the mountain,
when I shut off my headlamp
and scrambled down slopes invaded
by American mahogany? But there is
a second error of my nature
insurmountable: I can never be
as humble as your farmer. Even you
couldn't guess at the strange speech
of the pale white man who pitched
his tent so close to your hut,
at the intellectual's lingua franca
as vital to me as my sex.
4. Maria Sinukuan: The White Man's Burden
Surrender now, for God is with us:
his bird, the eagle, is our light.
The black feathered boa that constricts
your throat with ticklish grip, that thins
heaven's air -- the glassy knife
that slides across the skin, that severs
your precious sex -- the lying Jew
and honest Christian purified
by a little cracker, cup of wine --
God shall turn them all to swine!
just as he shaved surrender's head
with summer rain and snow-like ash,
transformed her figs fat on the twigs
into slabs of spotted white,
then entered her dark cave
not with a torch
but with a snuffing breeze.
Up Mountains
1. Daragang Magayon: Prologue
Magayon grew up to be
a beautiful woman.
Men loved her. Men
fought for her. Ulap
fought Linog, Pagtuga
for her. He won. She
ran to him. An arrow
followed. Ulap
embraced her, drew
the same point through
his heart. Together,
they fell.
Pagtuga burned.
Linog shook the earth.
A mountain grew,
black as the night,
obscured by white cloud.
2. Maria Cacao: After Typhoon Sendong
Cacao lumber scattered
along the surface -- woman
naked springing out
of muddy water -- white
elder love invades.
Without music, the shadow
of her breast crosses
her navel, her boat
stirs her river
to the sea, and her voice
rings out: come,
send me your poor,
your sick, your suffering
children and old men,
let me lighten your burden.
Her mountain, shape
of heaven -- what a burden.
3. Maria Makiling: Ecological Study in Los Banos
If I were not this coarse a man,
always switching between
good Christian and vile Pagan
every change of company,
would you have appeared to me,
hot white lady of the mountain,
when I shut off my headlamp
and scrambled down slopes invaded
by American mahogany? But there is
a second error of my nature
insurmountable: never can I be
as humble as your farmer. Even you
couldn't guess at the strange speech
of the pale white man who pitched
his tent so close to your hut,
at the intellectual's lingua franca
as vital to me as my sex.
4. Maria Sinukuan: The White Man's Burden
Surrender now, for God is with us:
his bird, the eagle, is our light.
The black feathered boa that constricts
your throat with ticklish grip, that thins
heaven's air -- the glassy knife
that slides across the skin, that severs
your precious sex -- the lying Jew
and honest Christian purified
by a little cracker, cup of wine --
God shall turn them all to swine!
just as he shaved surrender's head
with summer rain and snow-like ash,
transformed her figs fat on the twigs
into slabs of spotted white,
then entered her homely cave
I like this more each time I read it.
It seems like part 1 is a legend of how a mountain was made. part 2 is generations later an event in the mountains life that illustrates it's developed character. part 3 is the mountains metaphorical need to reproduce, and part 4 is its destruction through progressively more invasive habitation.
(11-21-2016, 04:53 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: Up Mountains
1. Daragang Magayon: Prologue did you change it to Maria's to show the incoming cultural influences? I thought a Prologue should be shorter than the rest of the work, and even though the line count is the same, there are about half as many words as the last part.
Magayon grew up to be at first I liked the inverted line count, but after noticing a few subtle repetitions later
a beautiful woman.
Men loved her. Men really like this mirror
fought for her. Ulap
fought Linog, Pagtuga
for her. He won. She
ran to him. An arrow and all the punctuation
followed. Ulap the almost simple language makes it seem more like a legend
embraced her, drew
the same point through
his heart. Together,
they fell.
Pagtuga burned.
Linog shook the earth.
A mountain grew,
black as the night,
obscured by white cloud.I wanted to see a little more definite pattern to the color white
2. Maria Cacao: After Typhoon Sendong
Cacao lumber scattered
along the surface -- woman
naked springing out
of muddy water -- white s4, s1, s3, s3
elder love invades.
Without music, the shadow
of her breast crosses
her navel, her boat
stirs her river
to the sea, and her voice
rings out: come, and the colon pattern, put one in the first part somewhere maybe?
send me your poor,
your sick, your suffering
children and old men,
let me lighten your burden.
Her mountain, shape
of heaven -- what a burden.I like bringing up burden for the last part, but this burden didn't need the repetition, what a burden seems too sarcastic for this stanza.
3. Maria Makiling: Ecological Study in Los Banos
If I were not this coarse a man,
always switching between
good Christian and vile Pagan
every change of company,
would you have appeared to me,
hot white lady of the mountain,
when I shut off my headlamp
and scrambled down slopes invaded
by American mahogany? But there is
a second error of my nature
insurmountable: never can I be
as humble as your farmer. Even you did this narrator know the legend to say this?
couldn't guess at the strange speech
of the pale white man who pitched
his tent so close to your hut,
at the intellectual's lingua franca
as vital to me as my sex.
4. Maria Sinukuan: The White Man's Burden
Surrender now, for God is with us:
his bird, the eagle, is our light.
The black feathered boa that constricts
your throat with ticklish grip, that thins
heaven's air -- the glassy knife
that slides across the skin, that severs
your precious precious sex -- the lying Jew don't think it needs the double precious
and honest Christian purified
by a little cracker, cup of wine --
God shall turn them all to swine!
just as he shaved surrender's head
with summer rain and snow-like ash,
transformed her figs fat on the twigs
into slabs of spotted white,
then entered her homely cave
not with a torch I really like the closing line, this inversion makes me think that the torch would be assumed, but I didn't assume it.
but with a snuffing breeze.
(11-23-2016, 07:35 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: It seems like part 1 is a legend of how a mountain was made. part 2 is generations later an event in the mountains life that illustrates it's developed character. part 3 is the mountains metaphorical need to reproduce, and part 4 is its destruction through progressively more invasive habitation. Thanks for the crit! The myths happened to tie together like that, yeah -- then I tied it a bit more with both my personal history and the general history of the nation. But yeah, it's not one mountain, but four; one of the ideas I had for title was "Mountain-Woman Songs", since each woman is a Diwata -- a fairy, basically -- of some Filipino mountain.
On the second part, it's interesting you note that -- my intention with that part, which I realize now is kinda failed, was to present a foggy version of a rather disturbing variation on the Maria Cacao myth, developed after said storm. But "illustrating its developed character"....ever since being introduced to Louise Gluck, I've been obsessed with examining the old myth two very distant ways, one where Persephone and such were simple, soulless archetypes, and one where at least she was her own woman, so that ultimately I'm not sure if the failure happened upon something even better.
(11-21-2016, 04:53 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: Up Mountains
1. Daragang Magayon: Prologue did you change it to Maria's to show the incoming cultural influences? I thought a Prologue should be shorter than the rest of the work, and even though the line count is the same, there are about half as many words as the last part. It's interesting that daraga -- a wholly native word, meaning young lady -- was eventually replaced by Maria, a Spanish introduction. Not really intentional: the lady of Mount Mayon, Daragang Magayon, really is named like that, against most other counts.
followed. Ulap the almost simple language makes it seem more like a legend Well, it is. Ps, Ulap means cloud, Magayon is the name of the mountain (as noted earlier, it's said to have been corrupted to Mayon), Linog (I think -- it's all Cebuano, which, though a Filipino language, is not my language) is earthquake, and Pagtuga eruption.
obscured by white cloud.I wanted to see a little more definite pattern to the color white It is a pattern -- just not sure what you mean by "definite".
2. Maria Cacao: After Typhoon Sendong
of muddy water -- white s4, s1, s3, s3 also s2 of the next section.
elder love invades.
rings out: come, and the colon pattern, put one in the first part somewhere maybe? It is the prologue (and I think I'd have to restructure that whole section for such a colon, which isn't much of a reward).
Her mountain, shape
of heaven -- what a burden.I like bringing up burden for the last part, but this burden didn't need the repetition, what a burden seems too sarcastic for this stanza. I see. It's meant to be a mix of feelings including sarcasm, but now I'm thinking the fog I slathered on a bit too thick, so yeah, gonna have to mull.
3. Maria Makiling: Ecological Study in Los Banos
4. Maria Sinukuan: The White Man's Burden
your precious precious sex -- the lying Jew don't think it needs the double precious Not a typo, a twitch -- but yeah, agreed. Removed.
not with a torch I really like the closing line, this inversion makes me think that the torch would be assumed, but I didn't assume it. I'll need to restructure it just a tad bit, then, but that's a slightly bigger alteration whose reward can wait for other comments. Again, thanks!
(11-21-2016, 04:53 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: Up Mountains
1. Daragang Magayon: Prologue
Magayon grew up to be
a beautiful woman.
Men loved her. Men
fought for her. Ulap
fought Linog, Pagtuga
for her. He won. She
ran to him. An arrow I don't know if the enjambment adds anything.
followed. Ulap
embraced her, drew
the same point through
his heart. Together,
they fell.
Pagtuga burned.
Linog shook the earth.
A mountain grew,
black as the night,
obscured by white cloud.
2. Maria Cacao: After Typhoon Sendong
Cacao lumber scattered
along the surface -- woman Strange syntax here "woman naked", I think the break would be stronger if it was "naked woman", and the break happened after naked as well.
naked springing out
of muddy water -- white
elder love invades. What does white elder love invade? The woman? I don't understand what that white elder love invading means, either - it could be rape, or something innocuous.
Without music, the shadow
of her breast crosses
her navel, her boat
stirs her river
to the sea, and her voice I like this stanza a lot. "her boat stirs her river" is wonderful.
rings out: come,
send me your poor,
your sick, your suffering
children and old men,
let me lighten your burden. The statue of liberty?
Her mountain, shape
of heaven -- what a burden.
3. Maria Makiling: Ecological Study in Los Banos
If I were not this coarse a man,
always switching between
good Christian and vile Pagan
every change of company, Maybe add "with" at the start of this line? It tripped me up on first read.
would you have appeared to me,
hot white lady of the mountain,
when I shut off my headlamp
and scrambled down slopes invaded
by American mahogany? But there is
a second error of my nature
insurmountable: never can I be I think "I can never be" is more natural syntax. It might be intentional, though, like woman naked.
as humble as your farmer. Even you
couldn't guess at the strange speech
of the pale white man who pitched
his tent so close to your hut,
at the intellectual's lingua franca
as vital to me as my sex.
4. Maria Sinukuan: The White Man's Burden
Surrender now, for God is with us:
his bird, the eagle, is our light.
The black feathered boa that constricts
your throat with ticklish grip, that thins
heaven's air -- the glassy knife
that slides across the skin, that severs
your precious sex -- the lying Jew
and honest Christian purified
by a little cracker, cup of wine --
God shall turn them all to swine!
just as he shaved surrender's head
with summer rain and snow-like ash,
transformed her figs fat on the twigs
into slabs of spotted white,
then entered her homely cave
not with a torch another statue of liberty reference?
but with a snuffing breeze. I liked this part 4 section, it was enjoyable to read.
I know nothing about myths, so this flew right over my head. There were some sections I really enjoyed reading, though, in part 4, and the middle stanza of part 2.
Thanks! For now, I'll keep the enjambment. The inversion of "naked woman" is intentional, to line up woman and white. Added "with", naturalized "never can I be". Also, slightly altered ending, with "homely" replaced in the hopes of developing expectations. I'm also considering changing the title to something that better suggests the scope of the poem -- "Diwata Songs", or something.
Oh, and some help: -- I'd really like to keep the notes to a minimum, so if you think any of the following are unnecessary, please, say so. I might add them to the main post in a later draft.
Daragang Magayon: the Lady of Mayon Volcano, an active volcano in the Bicol Peninsula, notable for its nigh-perfect cone. Her myth is here recounted. Maria Cacao: The Lady of Mount Lantoy, a mountain in Cebu Island. After Typhoon Sendong: a recent and, considering the fairly benign role of these deities, rather peculiar legend concerning Maria Cacao is here recounted. After the devastation of said typhoon, the people of Cagayan de Oro noticed a strange lady sailing her boat down the muddy, log-ridden river, and inviting folks, particularly the sick, the weary, the very young, and the very old, to board her boat. The wise among the people, however, warned against accepting her invitation, saying that she was to bring them reprieve eternal -- she was Maria Cacao, collecting souls for the otherworld. Maria Makiling: the Lady of Mount Makiling, a dormant volcano in Southern Luzon. One of her legends is this: that a humble farmer became the object of her affections, such that he lived a blessed, protected life; and yet, on the arrival of war, entered into marriage with a fellow mortal for fear of his life, as marriage meant exemption from conscription; and, visiting Makiling one last time before the ceremony, received a wedding gift, after which the fairy disappeared. "by American mahogany? But there is": certain species of [South] American mahogany are considered to be invasive, here in the Philippines. "the pale white man who pitched his tent": a campus of the state university was established on the slopes of Mount Makiling. At first, it was just the college of agriculture, with its first dean being Edwin Copeland, an American botanist. Classes were first held in tents. Maria Sinukuan: the Lady of Mount Arayat, an extinct volcano in Central Luzon. The name seems to come from the word "suko", meaning "surrender". "just as he shaved surrender's head": another Mount Arayat myth involves Sinukuan, this time a male god of the mountain, whose chief rival is Namalyari, the god of Mount Pinatubo. In this piece, however, the legends of Sinukuan and Maria Sinukuan are conflated, especially considering the 1991 eruption of Mount Pinatubo, whose ash cloud was extensive enough to cover, if not Mount Arayat itself, then the fields surrounding it. "transformed her figs fat on the twigs": it is said that Maria Sinukuan once grew a vast, bountiful garden on the slopes of her now barren mountain, from which she picked fruits to give to the locals of a nearby town. The locals, however, grew greedy, eventually trespassing into her garden and stealing much of her fruit. Angered, she turned all of the fruit they stole into stone, dissolved her garden, and, ultimately, disappeared from mortal eyes. "and entered her dark cave": among these four fairies, only Maria Makiling does not live in a cave, instead residing in a hut.
i got bothered with the same enjambment you got bothered with, wjames, so minor edit above. i'll probably add the notes in there too, after another pass at it. thanks again!
