Draft 5: Shell

[Lizzie]

Hi, alonso. A lot to like here. The title is a little of a mystery; maybe about the narrator feeling enclosed and needing to break out of old memories, a malaise, or monotony. Overall, it's not bad or great, just kind of dull. It's forgettable. 

On to the poem:

Like the distant sounding of the nightly train, 
the day reverberates through joints and muscles,
into a sky where all the stars
have been replaced with one that blinks tiredly -- be careful with adverbs. They are often used to compensate for weak verbs. Look again at blink and see if you can come up with something more dynamic to see if you really need that modifier. If you want to keep it, I'd suggest moving it before blinks or breaking the line on blinks to put the emphasis on the verb. 
from a radio tower.  -- great imagery here in this first stanza that sets up the contrast with the moon shining bright at the end. I can hear that train and imagine the setting. Sounds like the narrator's world is filled with unpleasant sensory clutter. 

And past the sodium-lit street
is a parking lot and supermarket abandoned
to a gathering of shadows that we called night, -- great line, very original
when there was only the transient sweetness
of bubblegum tape and watching the world occur -- like the grocery cart, but would recommend stopping there. 
from a grocery cart with nothing to remember. -- I think you need to break this stanza somewhere and not let it run on. There's not a lot in the way of regular rhythm that would keep the reader moving through the text, so it's easy to get slowed down by having to take in so much content at once. It's a fairly dense poem, so bite size chunks would be better. 

Because today was dislocated
from yesterday and you, the shopping crowds of us -- I'd line break on 'you' -- relationships are important. I don't understand "shopping crowds of us." This stanza seems to cram together too many thoughts. 
did not dwindle---it feels as if we simply vanished -- I don't think you need to specify that's it's a feeling, because the narrator goes on to live. I think it's implied, but others may disagree and that's fine. 
and those balloons that slipped into the sky
still roam the ether. -- ether is so vague that I don't think it adds anything. It's hard to talk about absence. Sky is enough. 

But tonight, the moon's face basks in sunlight -- like this return to vitality and life. This mashup of night and day elements is satisfying. 
with the peace that I'm reminded of
by a full tank's -- the ending is a relief from the oppressive feeling of previous stanzas
                                 click




Minor edit:

I italicized "click" and removed the period to emphasize it as an onomatopoeia.

There's a lot to like here with regard to imagery and interesting phrasing. However, it still feels like a bit of a slog because of how many images there are with none seeming to get adequate attention and exploration. I'd either lengthen the piece to give each thought it's due treatment or pick 3-4 elements that feel the most vital and focus on doing those well.  

Overall, enjoyed the read. Good luck with it in the future.

Lizzie