All Alone
#1
All alone in my little world
I sit and stare and wait
Hoping for a shred of light
Something to change my fate

All alone in my empty room
I wish and pray and plead
That maybe one day
I'll get the love I need

All alone in my aching heart
I sob and moan and cry
Wanting so badly
To just be free and die

But alas, no answer
The night is silent as stone
Because, as you know
I am all alone


A couple days ago I started writing poetry on a whim. This was the first one I wrote. Hope you enjoy! ^_^
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#2
(05-12-2014, 10:52 PM)SuicidalBlueJay Wrote:  All alone in my little world
I sit and stare and wait
Hoping for a shred of light
Something to change my fate

All alone in my empty room
I wish and pray and plead
That maybe one day
I'll get the love I need

All alone in my aching heart
I sob and moan and cry
Wanting so badly
To just be free and die

But alas, no answer
The night is silent as stone
Because, as you know
I am all alone


A couple days ago I started writing poetry on a whim. This was the first one I wrote. Hope you enjoy! ^_^
Well, frankly, what's to enjoy? This is hearse-verse and not good either.
You need to avoid cliches. You have just managed to link together a daisy-chain of overused paraphrasing to a new world record. Take out the cliches, the old worn out phrases, and find some NEW way of expressing the angst in this. The subject will be difficult because almost everything that can be said on this theme has been said already...many times over.
BUT that only makes the challenge more enjoyable.
If you take out ALL of the cliches this is what is left:

I'll get the love I need
To just be free and die
But alas, no answer

...and to be honest, line two is supect and I'm sure line three is in a song or several.
Listen to "Solitude" by Louis Armstrong, or Ray Charles or Ella Fitzgerald Duke Ellington or...or...you get the idea?
DO NOT STOP WRITING but please, READ more (some) poetry in a ratio of 1:1000.
Best,
tectak

Aw sod it. Here are the lyrics. Sound familiar?

In my solitude you haunt me
With reveries of days gone by
In my solitude you taunt me
With memories that never die
I sit in my chair
I'm filled with despair
There's no one could be so sad
With gloom ev'rywhere
I sit and I stare
I know that I'll soon go mad
In my solitude
I'm praying
Dear Lord above
Send back my love
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#3
hahaha alright. It's true. I realize it's not very original. But I think it can still be beautiful. Why? Have you heard of "New Sincerity"? It's the idea that the sincerity of the art/poetry is beautiful, not how skillful or original it is trying to be. I'm displaying my real emotions, even if that means using cliches. Were all human Smile

But you're right. I don't want to cop out with an excuse like that! I should read more poetry :3
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#4
Good egg,
keep writing,
sincerity verse can be good or bad....believe me.
tectak
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#5
You have begun with a well intentioned attempt at poetry. Now if you truly wish to express your feelings with POETRY rather than jotting down thoughts (and This is exactly what I have done for so long) this is the place to learn but you must be willing to trust the people here who are willing to take the time to read and critic what you submit. If you are a beginning writer you may have an advantage of; not having too many bad habits to overcome first.
This may be more advise than critic, It all depends on how bad you want to learn.

The Professor of Written Wreckage,
R T
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#6
(05-13-2014, 05:25 AM)Thoughtjotter Wrote:  You have begun with a well intentioned attempt at poetry. Now if you truly wish to express your feelings with POETRY rather than jotting down thoughts (and This is exactly what I have done for so long) this is the place to learn but you must be willing to trust the people here who are willing to take the time to read and critic what you submit. If you are a beginning writer you may have an advantage of; not having too many bad habits to overcome first.
This may be more advise than critic, It all depends on how bad you want to learn.

The Professor of Written Wreckage,
R T

amen two; that?
SmileSmile
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#7
just addressing your thoughts on cliche. you say;
hahaha alright. It's true. I realize it's not very original. But I think it can still be beautiful. Why? Have you heard of "New Sincerity"? It's the idea that the sincerity of the art/poetry is beautiful, not how skillful or original it is trying to be. I'm displaying my real emotions, even if that means using cliches.
if a poem that has similar lines to a lot of other poems can be beautiful then there's going to be a lot of beautiful poems that say the same thing. that kind of beauty rather quickly turns to the mundane and boring heard it all before. i never got to the end of the poem i had no need to, i knew what was coming. the whole poem can be summed up thus;
alone. or, i am alone. that's it.
show us why you're alone, what type of alone, how does it feel. but show us without cliche, once we see what cliche is and does we could possibly use it to write a cliched poem that works. till then clich is not a friend to poetry.



(05-12-2014, 10:52 PM)SuicidalBlueJay Wrote:  All alone in my little world
I sit and stare and wait
Hoping for a shred of light
Something to change my fate the 1st stanza feels very weak. it has little to hold the reader. a suggestion would be to succinctly describe your little world in the first stanza.

All alone in my empty room the refrain is too cliched, this line is doubly cliche. words are your friend. use ones that represent what you want to say in a new way. how many ways can we say all alone?
I wish and pray and plead
That maybe one day
I'll get the love I need another stanza with out any hooks to stick in the reader's mouth.

All alone in my aching heart
I sob and moan and cry
Wanting so badly
To just be free and die

But alas, no answer
The night is silent as stone
Because, as you know
I am all alone


A couple days ago I started writing poetry on a whim. This was the first one I wrote. Hope you enjoy! ^_^
Reply
#8
Hi SBJ,

I would suggest that you spend some time reviewing how to use meter in a poem. When you read this poem out loud you'll hear how awkward the rhythm is with some of the lines--those will be your trouble areas.

The other big issue for me is content. There isn't much that's actually interesting here. Try to think of some aspects of being alone that present the reader with an interesting take or perspective. Poetry like anything else needs to pull in the reader.

This next part felt too abstract and too melodramatic.

All alone in my aching heart
I sob and moan and cry
Wanting so badly
To just be free and die

Below was your one redeemable good line. I like the imagery and that you made an attempt at figurative language. It is a much more effective choice than what comes off as a whiny sob session. More of this please.

The night is silent as stone

Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#9
(-_-)
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#10
Hi SBJ!

I'll second everyone else & add that "New Sincerity" (at least how you have described it) sounds like so much pc blather. Being original will never lose its meaning or its value, or go out of style. If one's self-esteem as a poet (or artist, writer, etc.) is so brittle that any criticism is taken personally or is rejected as infringing on one's "sincerity" then perhaps one shoud look for another hobby.

That being said, let's see here...

Quote:All alone in my little world
I sit and stare and wait
Hoping for a shred of light
Something to change my fate

This reminds of "Waiting for Godot", which I had to read in high school and which I hated. Don't wait for Godot ("something to change my fate"), go out and find him/it!

Quote:All alone in my empty room
I wish and pray and plead
That maybe one day
I'll get the love I need

Is your "empty room" the whole of your "empty world"? This idea has potential; work on trying to bring it out.

But love is a two-way street; are you capable of giving love? Tell us!

Quote:All alone in my aching heart
I sob and moan and cry
Wanting so badly
To just be free and die

Ah, now your "empty world" contracts even further! This metaphor has potential but I think you could do a lot better in bringing it out.

I am confused (don't worry, this happens to me a lot Tongue). Do you want love or to be dead? I don't see how the two jibe.

Quote:But alas, no answer
The night is silent as stone

But nights positively buzz with life! We may go to sleep but nighttime is very much alive and hardly silent.

Quote:Because, as you know
I am all alone

Yes, we know that. You've told us, more than once.

Quote:A couple days ago I started writing poetry on a whim.

Not a bad thing, far from it.

Quote:This was the first one I wrote. Hope you enjoy!

There are a zillion and one ways to express existential loneliness. Good luck in working on finding a better, more original, way to express yours.

nb
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#11
Welcome to the realm of poetry. The best advice for newcomers is to focus on imagery. ‘The night is silent as stone’ is where this poem begins and ends for me. I would rebuild the poem around that line accordingly. Good luck with it./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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#12
Some posts have been moved to poetry discussion -- please focus on the poem in this forum/ Admin
It could be worse
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#13
Hello,

I strongly recommend Baudelaire's spleen poem talks exactly about the same subject ( Smile you are not alone ).

http://fleursdumal.org/poem/161

What I'd like to know is not that you are feeling lonely, but what does that loneliness tastes like? Baudelaire paints a pretty vivid picture of anguish and the desire to self destruct.

regards

Alex
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#14
(05-12-2014, 10:52 PM)SuicidalBlueJay Wrote:  All alone in my little world
I sit and stare and wait
Hoping for a shred of light
Something to change my fate

All alone in my empty room
I wish and pray and plead
That maybe one day
I'll get the love I need

All alone in my aching heart
I sob and moan and cry
Wanting so badly
To just be free and die

But alas, no answer
The night is silent as stone
Because, as you know
I am all alone


A couple days ago I started writing poetry on a whim. This was the first one I wrote. Hope you enjoy! ^_^

Hi SBJ
Welcome to the site I see you have been leaving lots of feedback for others and that is a great way to enter the site, you have certainly had a lot of feedback yourself with this one and I don't see I have anything to add but I will say its a start and its the kind of start that most of us make or made. My advice would be to read through the crits and write another poem and try a different style think about the show not tell and try to avoid cliche. I got similar feedback to you when I started and I even had to google cliche before I realised what they were banging on about. I also found that there are loads of great stuff on the site that helped me understand what poetry is about and how varied it can be. Your in safe hands here and the workshops really work, I know the first feedback sessions can feel a bit slam dunk but everyone has your best interest at heart and wants to help improve your poetry. Best Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#15
As Keith says, you have had some excellent pointers, especially, I thought, from Northwardsb. I shall therefore be brief-ish.

1) Sincere or no, it might be useful, as an exercise, to recast what you have written into some fairly rigid form, let us say, terza rima -which you would learn in the process. Do this to master some of the tricks of the craft.

2) Whether or not you do that, reflect on this: as you wrote, and read, your piece, you have a picture in your head of the room, its smell, its colours, sounds and shapes, what you see from the window, the degree to which the eye could tell with a glance whether it is trim, and perhaps in a 'good' neighbourhood, or sleazy. That is the picture people mean when they say 'show, don't tell' . You have the picture; we do not. Decide how much you want the reader to see and experience all that, and how you can achieve that without writing an epic.

3) However you choose to write, do not assume that everything you read represents the writer: mostly it is fiction. Yet, somewhere in it, some part of the writer does emerge, like it or no -just not in the tale which is told.

Good luck! Smile
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#16
(05-12-2014, 11:24 PM)SuicidalBlueJay Wrote:  hahaha alright. It's true. I realize it's not very original. But I think it can still be beautiful. Why? Have you heard of "New Sincerity"? It's the idea that the sincerity of the art/poetry is beautiful, not how skillful or original it is trying to be. I'm displaying my real emotions, even if that means using cliches. Were all human Smile

But you're right. I don't want to cop out with an excuse like that! I should read more poetry :3

Sincerity of of great value; but not an art. These are well spoken sincere words but childish as a poem; although I do hear a fairly distinctive beat; despite my agreement with the experts (which I am not), I think you should continue; expand your vocabulary. Best to you. Loretta
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#17
As i kind of relate to the content i like it, though i can follow the critique that you have gotten. It is very simple and only a few will feel anything when reading it. I think the "be free and die" is poorly formulated because you are not free when you're dead, you are not anything, but you're of course free of life and all that comes with it. I like to write things that will be vaque to a lot of people because i only give my emotions and no reasons, but at a writer class i was told by some that they wanted me to flesh out the emotions i described in the poem, i did even though i felt it would make people think i was wierd, but they actually liked the new version very much, but it was no longer a poem but more lyrical prose or something. Keep writing and you'll surely improve text by text
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#18
"You are not anything after you die" is a matter of opinion. But I find these types of poems to be enduringly boring.
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