Frankenstein’s Mistress

[ChristopherSea]

MACRO: first of all, I like this draft sooo much more. so I dug in . . .

this poem is dancing between personification and embodiment. I don't want "trust" to be killed, as in the personification, I want some lovely wide-eyed puppy to be killed, as in an embodiment of trust. Ditto self-denial.


Frankenstein’s Mistress

I did not create the monster,
--"create" is weak
--you have two independent clauses joined w a comma
--I like the disclaimer, here

it crept into my life
wearing your skin.
--great allure. really creepy

I watched
--"I watched" is weak, but it also feels like a missed opportunity

trust become your victim,
--"become" is inert, i.e. weak
--I like the mood *a lot*
--the rhythm is nice and sinister

knifed on an evening stroll.

--trust getting knifed on an evening stroll is an image that I can't get

I couldn’t stem the glut
of self-denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.
--the image could be saved here, I think
--trust gets cut and "self-denial" pours out. I'm having a fair amount of trouble, here . . .

My suspicions amassed
--"amassing" is more correct
--prolly you want a different verb, but is also prolly gonna be a gerund

with each excursion into town.
----so, this is suuuper picky, but "excursion" means to run out and away (ex + curro, currere). So, imho, you'd have an excursion out of town, not into it . . . yeah. Prolly a waste of time note, there

Men incessantly staring at you,
their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken
by an unnamable malady.
--incomplete sentence, here
--I still think incessant and staring are redundant

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your honeydewed words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
they were served. Intoxication
blinded them to your warped nature
behind a body that is all curves.
--so right, here
--there are points I could make, but I'll leave it
--except to say, I feel a stress on "is" that I'm not happy about . . .

I imbibed,
but fought addiction;
--nice

obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
--good use of "shall"

while you are the one who must flee
to find a new host,
--this is clunky, to me

an alternative junkie.
--I really don't like "alternative" here. It seems to pose an equivalency that the narrative doesn't support. That is, she needs to find just *a* junkie. It's been established that the narrator ain't a junkie at all, you know?

Better hurry darling;
--cool line
--needs a comma for direct address

angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the driveway.
--"coming" is a big missed opportunity
--why are the villagers angry? I know they fit the trope, but in the story, the monster only ever attempts to injure the speaker

Thank you crow for the return visit and suggestions, I really appreciate it. Those look-for-a-better-word recommendations are good ones and I will address them in my next edit. I thought the theme and central metaphor were clear. Trust was chosen to be killed, because when it dies there is no chance for a relationship to survive. I suppose that I could have her knock off the family pet to satisfy your need for blood flow. I think that self-denial should be denial alone, but it is there to imply that trust for the narrator was slipping away before it's sudden death. As for the mob mentality, I thought that I made it clear through the reaction of the men (minus a 'would') that the mistress has had her way with the majority of them over the years. She essentially was exiled to suburbia. Let me see what else I can do to reinforce that. Cheers./Chris

[bbcashdollar]

tectak/crow/Brownlie edit 3&4 Thanks again bl and crow

Frankenstein’s Mistress-I read in an early critique that with Frankenstein their's no poem. I disagree. I think you've developed a very strong, visual, visceral narrative. And I find the Frankenstein thing distracting. Frankenstein the Dr. created life. If she is the mistress of the doctor? or was she the monster, a created concubine? She could be the mistress of the Dr., but that wouldn't have much meaning to the reader

I did not fabricate the monster; -creation/fabrication is essential in the Frankenstein story
it crept into my life
wearing your skin. I witnessed
trust become your victim,
knifed on an evening stroll. -when I think of trust being betrayed or violated. I think of a process, rarely a single act. i.e. strangulation, asphyxiation,suffocation, starvation.
I couldn’t stem the glut
of denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions were amassing
with each trip into town.
Men fixated on you,
their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken by
an unnamable malady. I realize now
they were reliving your scourge.

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your honeydewed words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
that you serve. Intoxication
blinded them to your warped nature
behind a body that's all curves. -great imagery

I imbibed,
but fought addiction;
obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
while you must leave my home
to find a another host,
a new junkie.

Better hurry darling, -great line

angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are storming the driveway. -I think this is apart of your initial image, but I'm confused by it. She seems to have many under her spell. It seems with only with great effort was the narrator able to break free. If the villagers were coming were they coming for her or him? A very powerful image of relationship gone bad and someone finding themselves again. I think it's bigger than the monster thing at his point.


-------------------------------------------
tectak/crow/Brownlie edit 2 Thanks again

Frankenstein’s Mistress

I did not create the monster,
it crept into my life with you. I watched
trust become your victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
I couldn’t stem the glut
of self-denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions amassed
with each excursion into town.
Men incessantly staring at you,
their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken
by an unnamable malady.

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your addictive cocktails
of honeydew words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
you serve for desert. Intoxication
blinded them to the warped nature
behind the body that was all curves.

I imbibed,
but fought addiction.
Obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
while you are the one who must flee
to find a new host,
an alternative junkie. Better pack
your bags quickly darling.

Angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the driveway.

-----------------------------------------------
tectak/crow/Brownlie edit 1 Thank you

Frankenstein’s Mistress

I did not create the monster,
it came with you. I watched
trust become your victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
I couldn’t stem the glut
of self-denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions amassed
with each excursion into town.
Men incessantly staring at you,
their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken
by an unnamable malady.

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your addictive cocktails
of honeydew words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
you serve for desert. Intoxication
blinded them to the warped nature
behind the body that was all curves.

I imbibed,
but fought the addiction.
Obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
while you are the one who must flee
to find a new host,
an alternative junkie. Better pack
your bags quickly darling;

Angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the driveway.

-----------------------------------------------
Frankenstein’s Mistress

Trust was your first victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
A single thrust to the kidney
induced instant shock
before the fool was lost
to us forever.

My suspicions first arose
when we drove into town.
The men would incessantly stare
at you from beneath
their automaton masks,
through berserker eyes.

From your smirks, I surmised
that they too gulped down
your contagious cocktails
of honeydew words,
your toxic desserts served
in thin glazed lines,
all the while knowing your body
was all curves,
your nature contoured.

I imbibed, but was not infected.
Parasitism failed to find foothold,
my adaptive immunity
victorious. I shall continue
to endure, while you must flee
to find a new host.

Better pack your bags quickly
darling, angry villagers
with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the drive.

---

tectak/crow/Brownlie edit 3&4 Thanks again bl and crow

Frankenstein’s Mistress-I read in an early critique that with Frankenstein their's no poem. I disagree. I think you've developed a very strong, visual, visceral narrative. And I find the Frankenstein thing distracting. Frankenstein the Dr. created life. If she is the mistress of the doctor? or was she the monster, a created concubine? She could be the mistress of the Dr., but that wouldn't have much meaning to the reader

I did not fabricate the monster; -creation/fabrication is essential in the Frankenstein story
it crept into my life
wearing your skin. I witnessed
trust become your victim,
knifed on an evening stroll. -when I think of trust being betrayed or violated. I think of a process, rarely a single act. i.e. strangulation, asphyxiation,suffocation, starvation.
I couldn’t stem the glut
of denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions were amassing
with each trip into town.
Men fixated on you,
their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken by
an unnamable malady. I realize now
they were reliving your scourge.

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your honeydewed words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
that you serve. Intoxication
blinded them to your warped nature
behind a body that's all curves. -great imagery

I imbibed,
but fought addiction;
obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
while you must leave my home
to find a another host,
a new junkie.

Better hurry darling, -great line

angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are storming the driveway. -I think this is apart of your initial image, but I'm confused by it. She seems to have many under her spell. It seems with only with great effort was the narrator able to break free. If the villagers were coming were they coming for her or him? A very powerful image of relationship gone bad and someone finding themselves again. I think it's bigger than the monster thing at his point.


-------------------------------------------
tectak/crow/Brownlie edit 2 Thanks again

Frankenstein’s Mistress

I did not create the monster,
it crept into my life with you. I watched
trust become your victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
I couldn’t stem the glut
of self-denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions amassed
with each excursion into town.
Men incessantly staring at you,
their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken
by an unnamable malady.

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your addictive cocktails
of honeydew words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
you serve for desert. Intoxication
blinded them to the warped nature
behind the body that was all curves.

I imbibed,
but fought addiction.
Obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
while you are the one who must flee
to find a new host,
an alternative junkie. Better pack
your bags quickly darling.

Angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the driveway.

-----------------------------------------------
tectak/crow/Brownlie edit 1 Thank you

Frankenstein’s Mistress

I did not create the monster,
it came with you. I watched
trust become your victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
I couldn’t stem the glut
of self-denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions amassed
with each excursion into town.
Men incessantly staring at you,
their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken
by an unnamable malady.

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your addictive cocktails
of honeydew words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
you serve for desert. Intoxication
blinded them to the warped nature
behind the body that was all curves.

I imbibed,
but fought the addiction.
Obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
while you are the one who must flee
to find a new host,
an alternative junkie. Better pack
your bags quickly darling;

Angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the driveway.

-----------------------------------------------
Frankenstein’s Mistress

Trust was your first victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
A single thrust to the kidney
induced instant shock
before the fool was lost
to us forever.

My suspicions first arose
when we drove into town.
The men would incessantly stare
at you from beneath
their automaton masks,
through berserker eyes.

From your smirks, I surmised
that they too gulped down
your contagious cocktails
of honeydew words,
your toxic desserts served
in thin glazed lines,
all the while knowing your body
was all curves,
your nature contoured.

I imbibed, but was not infected.
Parasitism failed to find foothold,
my adaptive immunity
victorious. I shall continue
to endure, while you must flee
to find a new host.

Better pack your bags quickly
darling, angry villagers
with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the drive.

just a thought:
(Finally) I laugh
The spell is broken
Your lips, your sway
Hold no power
Better hurry darling

[crow]

Real quick--

to find a another host,

typo

[ChristopherSea]

[quote='ChristopherSea' pid='148263' dateline='1398958139']
tectak/crow/Brownlie edit 3&4 Thanks again bl and crow

Frankenstein’s Mistress-I read in an early critique that with Frankenstein their's no poem. I disagree. I think you've developed a very strong, visual, visceral narrative. And I find the Frankenstein thing distracting. Frankenstein the Dr. created life. If she is the mistress of the doctor? or was she the monster, a created concubine? She could be the mistress of the Dr., but that wouldn't have much meaning to the reader

I did not fabricate the monster; -creation/fabrication is essential in the Frankenstein story
it crept into my life
wearing your skin. I witnessed
trust become your victim,
knifed on an evening stroll. -when I think of trust being betrayed or violated. I think of a process, rarely a single act. i.e. strangulation, asphyxiation,suffocation, starvation.
I couldn’t stem the glut
of denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions were amassing
with each trip into town.
Men fixated on you,
their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken by
an unnamable malady. I realize now
they were reliving your scourge.

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your honeydewed words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
that you serve. Intoxication
blinded them to your warped nature
behind a body that's all curves. -great imagery

I imbibed,
but fought addiction;
obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
while you must leave my home
to find a another host,
a new junkie.

Better hurry darling, -great line

angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are storming the driveway. -I think this is apart of your initial image, but I'm confused by it. She seems to have many under her spell. It seems with only with great effort was the narrator able to break free. If the villagers were coming were they coming for her or him? A very powerful image of relationship gone bad and someone finding themselves again. I think it's bigger than the monster thing at his point.



just a thought:
(Finally) I laugh
The spell is broken
Your lips, your sway
Hold no power
Better hurry darling

bbcd, This is an excellent critique and you make some great points. Yes, the Frankenstein theme is a result of my obsession with the gothic classic and my application of it to another poem that I was composing. Perhaps I have shoe-horned it in as I have discussed with crow, but I don’t see a big problem with it either. Call it an attention getter and set up for the punch-line. Keep in mind that it is essentially restricted to the title and close, but it allows for some poetic license throughout. Nonetheless, I will keep your objections to it in mind. I have debated scrapping this piece based on folk’s problem with the Shelly umbrella. However, it should not be a big deal to better knit the horror piece more seamlessly together with this feme fatale tale.

You have made an astute observation on the slow death of trust. I suppose that I am looking at its final gasp. The denial blood flow was to imply that trust was failing for some time. I shall re-examine that death. A good point.

The town’s folk are coming after the mistress who is the monster, but he (the narrator) could be included for his role in harboring her. Did he create her? No, but it is still suggested that she was a creation of some unspecified ‘Frankenstein’. Humans are supposedly born innocent, untainted. The evil in them has to have been created somehow, via genetics, bad parenting, childhood trauma, environmental factors, etc. or the combination of them all.

Your suggestion for the climax is well wrought and has more resolution that what I supplied. I will definitely consider something along those lines to supplement what I have thus far.

I really appreciate your read, time, opinion and suggestions. Thanks so much/Chris

[bbcashdollar]

[quote='ChristopherSea' pid='148263' dateline='1398958139']
tectak/crow/Brownlie edit 3&4 Thanks again bl and crow

Frankenstein’s Mistress-I read in an early critique that with Frankenstein their's no poem. I disagree. I think you've developed a very strong, visual, visceral narrative. And I find the Frankenstein thing distracting. Frankenstein the Dr. created life. If she is the mistress of the doctor? or was she the monster, a created concubine? She could be the mistress of the Dr., but that wouldn't have much meaning to the reader

I did not fabricate the monster; -creation/fabrication is essential in the Frankenstein story
it crept into my life
wearing your skin. I witnessed
trust become your victim,
knifed on an evening stroll. -when I think of trust being betrayed or violated. I think of a process, rarely a single act. i.e. strangulation, asphyxiation,suffocation, starvation.
I couldn’t stem the glut
of denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions were amassing
with each trip into town.
Men fixated on you,
their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken by
an unnamable malady. I realize now
they were reliving your scourge.

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your honeydewed words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
that you serve. Intoxication
blinded them to your warped nature
behind a body that's all curves. -great imagery

I imbibed,
but fought addiction;
obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
while you must leave my home
to find a another host,
a new junkie.

Better hurry darling, -great line

angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are storming the driveway. -I think this is apart of your initial image, but I'm confused by it. She seems to have many under her spell. It seems with only with great effort was the narrator able to break free. If the villagers were coming were they coming for her or him? A very powerful image of relationship gone bad and someone finding themselves again. I think it's bigger than the monster thing at his point.



just a thought:
(Finally) I laugh
The spell is broken
Your lips, your sway
Hold no power
Better hurry darling

bbcd, This is an excellent critique and you make some great points. Yes, the Frankenstein theme is a result of my obsession with the gothic classic and my application of it to another poem that I was composing. Perhaps I have shoe-horned it in as I have discussed with crow, but I don’t see a big problem with it either. Call it an attention getter and set up for the punch-line. Keep in mind that it is essentially restricted to the title and close, but it allows for some poetic license throughout. Nonetheless, I will keep your objections to it in mind. I have debated scrapping this piece based on folk’s problem with the Shelly umbrella. However, it should not be a big deal to better knit the horror piece more seamlessly together with this feme fatale tale.

You have made an astute observation on the slow death of trust. I suppose that I am looking at its final gasp. The denial blood flow was to imply that trust was failing for some time. I shall re-examine that death. A good point.

The town’s folk are coming after the mistress who is the monster, but he (the narrator) could be included for his role in harboring her. Did he create her? No, but it is still suggested that she was a creation of some unspecified ‘Frankenstein’. Humans are supposedly born innocent, untainted. The evil in them has to have been created somehow, via genetics, bad parenting, childhood trauma, environmental factors, etc. or the combination of them all.

Your suggestion for the climax is well wrought and has more resolution that what I supplied. I will definitely consider something along those lines to supplement what I have thus far.

I really appreciate your read, time, opinion and suggestions. Thanks so much/Chris

First reaction, I certainly wouldn't scrap it. I'm not that familiar with the Gothic, but I imagine that there are lots of characters/tales that would fit this perfectly.

[ChristopherSea]

No, I was just kidding. It's close to where I want it. I will have a new edit based on your feedback soon.

[crow]

Mr. Sea,
------
I was working on this as the last two posts were going up. I'll leave it up, but I didn't mean it to be discouraging I could do this w just about any poem, but I did it w yours bc I thought you might actually find it helpful . . . I was intending to ctrl+v this into a proper word processor and clean it up before posting, but if you're scrapping it, I won't bother . . .
------
If this kind of edit isn't helpful, please let me know I still feel pretty new at this.

Close-read edit
Note: this edit deals with the relation between the macro and the micro on a line-by-line basis, so it's ridiculously long and involved. Please don't think I'm trying to beat up on this poem. Truth is, I like it a great deal, and wouldn't be doing this otw.

Frankenstein’s Mistress
--the title lays out your raw material
----it suggests a // between F's monster and F's mistress, and signals an innovation on the Shelley story
----F's monster was a comment on science. It was assembled from large cuts of various corpses and brought to life through lightning, a common metaphor for God's wrath, judgment, or cruelty. Frankenstein usurped God by using His power to do His work, of giving life, but not according to His will. The violence done by the monster is, then, both ironic *and* due. That is, the perversion of God's will leads to bad things happening.
----TF, the monster embodies a specific anxiety: that scientific progress might anger God/it would lead to disaster
----the // in regards to love is clear. Love is often regarded as God's gift. Modern e-matchmaking allows us to rely on science for love, obviating God's role. We can assemble, by selecting certain personality traits, the love object of our dreams, and then find someone like that online.
----Many commentators have articulated the fear of that pursuit leading to bad outcomes.
------if this poem doesn't deal with those issues, I feel the title is both a miscue and a missed opportunity.
------if this poem isn't terrifying, ditto

I did not fabricate the monster;
--boom. immediately, we're on thin ice. Unless SOMEONE fabricated the monster, the entire errand of this poem is at hazard. That's not to say doomed, but it becomes really tricky

it crept into my life
wearing your skin.
--so . . . see if you can follow me, here, bc it's a tricky point. but it gets to the heart of what's going on, here.
----(1) "your skin" is a metonym for identity.
----(2) "crept into my life / wearing your skin" is tf chronologically ambiguous in an important way:
------the favored construction would be: "a monster, wearing your skin, crept into my life," and I assume most readers will understand it that way. BUT, that reading is nonsensical, given the poetic nature if the work. That is, if the monster usurped the mistress's identity *before* you met the mistress, then she would just be a monsterous mistress, not a monster in mistress's skin. So, we kick the favored construction.
------the disfavored construction is: "you were in my life, and the monster, by creeping into your skin, crept into my life." But this doesn't work, either, bc it betrays the title. suddenly, the metaphor is pod-people, not Frankenstein's monster. [See CONT'D2 for more on this]

I witnessed
the final throes of trust,
knifed on an evening stroll.
--major note: this is a setup for an explication. If it were left without a follow-up "and here's how that happened," it would be like a set-up w no punch line. [this note continues at CONT'D1, below]
--minor note: there are three constructions of the above:
----"trust's final throes were knifed,"
----"I witnessed trust in its final throes, its having been knifed on an evening stroll," and
----"myself having been knifed on an evening stroll, I witnessed the final throes of trust"
------that final reading seems, somewhat counter-intuitively, to work best, but it's so non-obvious that I doubt a reader would get there

I couldn’t stem the glut
of denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.
--CONT'D1: this can be the explication only if trust were knifed *while you were ministering to its bleeding out." I'll make it easy to understand that with a short //, "I saw someone get murdered the other night. I was field dressing a knife-wound."
----Here's another way to see what I mean: swap this line with the above and see if it still makes sense. If so, the current version prolly needs revising. Here's that swap:
------"I couldn’t stem the glut of denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers. I witnessed the final throes of trust, knifed on an evening stroll."
--------I would argue that the second version makes more sense (even though neither makes perfect sense) and that, tf, you've got a problem.

My suspicions were amassing
with each trip into town.
--note: the first two notes are skippable micro notes:
----quick micros: "my suspicions" makes you seem paranoid in contrast to "evidence," "were amassing" seems like a lot of syllables when there are 1-syllable ways to say much the same thing
----a longer micro: "amassing" doesn't work. Caveat: I've found NO AUTHORITY to support this, but I'm right nevertheless Here's the argument: amassing anticipates a pile, stack, or other amorphous accumulation. You can amass bricks into a heap, but not into a wall. Likewise, you can't amass clues into a case; by the same token, you can't amass clues into a bunch of clues. SO, bc "a mass of suspicions" is, here, amounting to a specific narrative of events, "amass" is amiss
--another chronology issue:
----suspicions of what? If you suspected trust was in trouble, throw this line above "I witnessed"
------if you did that flip-flop, together with the other chronology edit, you'd have this story:
--------"I got suspicious that trust was in trouble, then trust bled out, and I witnessed its final throes."
--if there's no chronology issue, then there's a narrative embodiment issue. That is, if the chronology is *right*, then the story as written doesn't match the story that happened--unless I supply an event to the narrative sequence, the narrative doesn't make sense:
----as is, it would read as follows, "trust was bleeding of a knife wound, then it died, then I got suspicious"
------It needs an "of what". So, the makes-sense version would be something like, "trust was bleeding of a knife wound, then it died, then I found a bloody knife in your purse, and so I got suspicious that you'd knifed trust."
--CONT'D2: in the space of a few lines, we were doing Frankenstein, then pod-people, and now Jack the Ripper? Below, with the baked goods, we're doing Sweeney Todd. It's fine to go from one monster trope to the next, but not if the title proposes to stick w one, only

Men fixated
on you, their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken by
an unnamable malady. I realize now
they were reliving the scourge
before your exile.
--this is a mess I have some sense of your meaning, but let me write out the literal version:
----"men obsessed about you, their eyes angry, faces lifeless, as if sick with a malady incapable of being named"
----so, first, you want "fixated" to mean "stared at," I think . It does and it doesn't, but here, "stared at" means what you want and "fixated" doesn't
----second, where is "angry"/ "incensed " coming from?
----third, lifeless faces with enraged eyes is really hard for me to picture/understand the reasons why for?
----fourth, "as if stricken by an unnamable malady" is pure frosting. I don't get any cake out of this. Specifically, the alternative to this simile might be, "stricken by an unnamable malady," in which case I might ask myself, "like what? what would be an unnamable malady?" I might get some ideas and move on. as is, I think, "like what? what would be an unnamable malady AND if I could figure that out, would I be able to use the meaning to modify either "men," "eyes incensed," or "faces inanimate"? And the answer is *no*. An inanimate face with an unnamable malady is a largely empty lexical unit, imho.

----------
If you want me to keep going, I'd be happy to, but I'm worried it's all way too much to absorb. All the best,

crow

[ChristopherSea]

Mr. Sea,
------
I was working on this as the last two posts were going up. I'll leave it up, but I didn't mean it to be discouraging I could do this w just about any poem, but I did it w yours bc I thought you might actually find it helpful . . . I was intending to ctrl+v this into a proper word processor and clean it up before posting, but if you're scrapping it, I won't bother . . .
------
If this kind of edit isn't helpful, please let me know I still feel pretty new at this.

Close-read edit
Note: this edit deals with the relation between the macro and the micro on a line-by-line basis, so it's ridiculously long and involved. Please don't think I'm trying to beat up on this poem. Truth is, I like it a great deal, and wouldn't be doing this otw.

Frankenstein’s Mistress
--the title lays out your raw material
----it suggests a // between F's monster and F's mistress, and signals an innovation on the Shelley story
----F's monster was a comment on science. It was assembled from large cuts of various corpses and brought to life through lightning, a common metaphor for God's wrath, judgment, or cruelty. Frankenstein usurped God by using His power to do His work, of giving life, but not according to His will. The violence done by the monster is, then, both ironic *and* due. That is, the perversion of God's will leads to bad things happening.
----TF, the monster embodies a specific anxiety: that scientific progress might anger God/it would lead to disaster
----the // in regards to love is clear. Love is often regarded as God's gift. Modern e-matchmaking allows us to rely on science for love, obviating God's role. We can assemble, by selecting certain personality traits, the love object of our dreams, and then find someone like that online.
----Many commentators have articulated the fear of that pursuit leading to bad outcomes.
------if this poem doesn't deal with those issues, I feel the title is both a miscue and a missed opportunity.
------if this poem isn't terrifying, ditto

I did not fabricate the monster;
--boom. immediately, we're on thin ice. Unless SOMEONE fabricated the monster, the entire errand of this poem is at hazard. That's not to say doomed, but it becomes really tricky

it crept into my life
wearing your skin.
--so . . . see if you can follow me, here, bc it's a tricky point. but it gets to the heart of what's going on, here.
----(1) "your skin" is a metonym for identity.
----(2) "crept into my life / wearing your skin" is tf chronologically ambiguous in an important way:
------the favored construction would be: "a monster, wearing your skin, crept into my life," and I assume most readers will understand it that way. BUT, that reading is nonsensical, given the poetic nature if the work. That is, if the monster usurped the mistress's identity *before* you met the mistress, then she would just be a monsterous mistress, not a monster in mistress's skin. So, we kick the favored construction.
------the disfavored construction is: "you were in my life, and the monster, by creeping into your skin, crept into my life." But this doesn't work, either, bc it betrays the title. suddenly, the metaphor is pod-people, not Frankenstein's monster. [See CONT'D2 for more on this]

I witnessed
the final throes of trust,
knifed on an evening stroll.
--major note: this is a setup for an explication. If it were left without a follow-up "and here's how that happened," it would be like a set-up w no punch line. [this note continues at CONT'D1, below]
--minor note: there are three constructions of the above:
----"trust's final throes were knifed,"
----"I witnessed trust in its final throes, its having been knifed on an evening stroll," and
----"myself having been knifed on an evening stroll, I witnessed the final throes of trust"
------that final reading seems, somewhat counter-intuitively, to work best, but it's so non-obvious that I doubt a reader would get there

I couldn’t stem the glut
of denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.
--CONT'D1: this can be the explication only if trust were knifed *while you were ministering to its bleeding out." I'll make it easy to understand that with a short //, "I saw someone get murdered the other night. I was field dressing a knife-wound."
----Here's another way to see what I mean: swap this line with the above and see if it still makes sense. If so, the current version prolly needs revising. Here's that swap:
------"I couldn’t stem the glut of denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers. I witnessed the final throes of trust, knifed on an evening stroll."
--------I would argue that the second version makes more sense (even though neither makes perfect sense) and that, tf, you've got a problem.

My suspicions were amassing
with each trip into town.
--note: the first two notes are skippable micro notes:
----quick micros: "my suspicions" makes you seem paranoid in contrast to "evidence," "were amassing" seems like a lot of syllables when there are 1-syllable ways to say much the same thing
----a longer micro: "amassing" doesn't work. Caveat: I've found NO AUTHORITY to support this, but I'm right nevertheless Here's the argument: amassing anticipates a pile, stack, or other amorphous accumulation. You can amass bricks into a heap, but not into a wall. Likewise, you can't amass clues into a case; by the same token, you can't amass clues into a bunch of clues. SO, bc "a mass of suspicions" is, here, amounting to a specific narrative of events, "amass" is amiss
--another chronology issue:
----suspicions of what? If you suspected trust was in trouble, throw this line above "I witnessed"
------if you did that flip-flop, together with the other chronology edit, you'd have this story:
--------"I got suspicious that trust was in trouble, then trust bled out, and I witnessed its final throes."
--if there's no chronology issue, then there's a narrative embodiment issue. That is, if the chronology is *right*, then the story as written doesn't match the story that happened--unless I supply an event to the narrative sequence, the narrative doesn't make sense:
----as is, it would read as follows, "trust was bleeding of a knife wound, then it died, then I got suspicious"
------It needs an "of what". So, the makes-sense version would be something like, "trust was bleeding of a knife wound, then it died, then I found a bloody knife in your purse, and so I got suspicious that you'd knifed trust."
--CONT'D2: in the space of a few lines, we were doing Frankenstein, then pod-people, and now Jack the Ripper? Below, with the baked goods, we're doing Sweeney Todd. It's fine to go from one monster trope to the next, but not if the title proposes to stick w one, only

Men fixated
on you, their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken by
an unnamable malady. I realize now
they were reliving the scourge
before your exile.
--this is a mess I have some sense of your meaning, but let me write out the literal version:
----"men obsessed about you, their eyes angry, faces lifeless, as if sick with a malady incapable of being named"
----so, first, you want "fixated" to mean "stared at," I think . It does and it doesn't, but here, "stared at" means what you want and "fixated" doesn't
----second, where is "angry"/ "incensed " coming from?
----third, lifeless faces with enraged eyes is really hard for me to picture/understand the reasons why for?
----fourth, "as if stricken by an unnamable malady" is pure frosting. I don't get any cake out of this. Specifically, the alternative to this simile might be, "stricken by an unnamable malady," in which case I might ask myself, "like what? what would be an unnamable malady?" I might get some ideas and move on. as is, I think, "like what? what would be an unnamable malady AND if I could figure that out, would I be able to use the meaning to modify either "men," "eyes incensed," or "faces inanimate"? And the answer is *no*. An inanimate face with an unnamable malady is a largely empty lexical unit, imho.

----------
If you want me to keep going, I'd be happy to, but I'm worried it's all way too much to absorb. All the best,

crow

Thanks for pointing out some of inconsistencies herein crow. I appreciate your attention to detail with this. I will work to iron those problem areas out.

Some of the critique, I don't really see. She was a monster that previously terrorized the men of the town. The timeline that you have an issue with is in flashback/retrospect after the death of trust. I will recheck the wording nonetheless (perhaps put it in italics).

I do not really share the concerns you have with the title and/or the failure of the poem to precisely parallel the classic story. In fact, it should not do so. In literature, titles can be tangential, satirical, oblique references, suggestive metaphor, allusion, even contradictory, sometimes going as far as being the antithesis of the story or poem. Here it is just to say 'monster', act to bridge a few casual intersections and tie in with the final 'punch'-line of the poem.

I may have to review my earlier drafts. In trying to conform to critique, I may have self-imposed more problems than I started with. You've given me a lot of food for thought.

PS: I you italicized the flashback back and made some further edits. /Chris

[crow]

"I do not really share the concerns you have with the title and/or the failure of the poem to precisely parallel the classic story. In fact, it should not do so. In literature, titles can be tangential, satirical, oblique references, suggestive metaphor, allusion, even contradictory, sometimes going as far as being the antithesis of the story or poem. Here it is just to say 'monster', act to bridge a few casual intersections and tie in with the final 'punch'-line of the poem. "

I didn't mean to speak with false authority. I'm not sure *any* of my edits are worthwhile. If you found anything helpful, I'm happy. If not, then you're right, and I'm wrong. And I don't mean that sarcastically.

[ChristopherSea]

"I do not really share the concerns you have with the title and/or the failure of the poem to precisely parallel the classic story. In fact, it should not do so. In literature, titles can be tangential, satirical, oblique references, suggestive metaphor, allusion, even contradictory, sometimes going as far as being the antithesis of the story or poem. Here it is just to say 'monster', act to bridge a few casual intersections and tie in with the final 'punch'-line of the poem. "

I didn't mean to speak with false authority. I'm not sure *any* of my edits are worthwhile. If you found anything helpful, I'm happy. If not, then you're right, and I'm wrong. And I don't mean that sarcastically.

Crow, Your critique and advice are welcomed and appreciated. Making the author rethink an entire piece is an excellent exercise. The above comment you quote is one of those revelations that comes only from putting a poem through the ringer. I hope I have a superior poem as a result of it. I believe that I know have the framework for a final edit (once I let this stew for a bit). Much obliged for your mentoring on this./Chris

[bbcashdollar]

[quote='ChristopherSea' pid='148263' dateline='1398958139']
tectak/crow/Brownlie/bbcd edit 5 Thanks folks!

Frankenstein’s Mistress


I did not fabricate the monster; <-----this monster?
it was already inside you, crawling
beneath your skin. I watched you stalk
trust before knifing it on an evening stroll.
I couldn’t stem the glut of denial
spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.<----this stanza is a lot clearer to me now

My suspicions about you swelled
with each trip into town. Men stared
at you, their eyes incensed,
faces grimacing, as if stricken
by a neural malady. I realize now
they were reliving your scourge
prior to your exile,
before you found me.

From your smirk, I surmised
these others gulped down
the honeydewed words
and alluring glazed lines
you serve. Intoxication
blinded them to your warped nature
behind a body that's all curves.

I imbibed, but fought
the addiction; your lips, your hips
no longer have sway.You must leave
my home to find a another host,
a new junkie.

Better hurry darling,<--separating this out makes it a lot stronger. It clarifies the narrator's liberation.

angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are storming the driveway.

As the pieces creator, I'll trust you on the title (pun intended). I can see the narrator reliving breaking free. Nice work.

[ChristopherSea]

[quote='ChristopherSea' pid='148263' dateline='1398958139']
tectak/crow/Brownlie/bbcd edit 5 Thanks folks!

Frankenstein’s Mistress


I did not fabricate the monster; <-----this monster?
it was already inside you, crawling
beneath your skin. I watched you stalk
trust before knifing it on an evening stroll.
I couldn’t stem the glut of denial
spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.<----this stanza is a lot clearer to me now

My suspicions about you swelled
with each trip into town. Men stared
at you, their eyes incensed,
faces grimacing, as if stricken
by a neural malady. I realize now
they were reliving your scourge
prior to your exile,
before you found me.

From your smirk, I surmised
these others gulped down
the honeydewed words
and alluring glazed lines
you serve. Intoxication
blinded them to your warped nature
behind a body that's all curves.

I imbibed, but fought
the addiction; your lips, your hips
no longer have sway.You must leave
my home to find a another host,
a new junkie.

Better hurry darling,<--separating this out makes it a lot stronger. It clarifies the narrator's liberation.

angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are storming the driveway.

As the pieces creator, I'll trust you on the title (pun intended). I can see the narrator reliving breaking free. Nice work.

Thanks a lot bbcd. Your help and suggestions on this were invaluable. I'll look at that this/the substitution. Cheers/Chris

[crow]

Macro: the strength of this poem is threefold.

(1) it's scary,
(2) its narrative line is fun, and
(3) it dramatizes a familiar relationship moment: betrayal.

To realize the power, here, make each of those three better. Easy enough, right? but take a second to think on how you'd do it. Now, here's my suggestions:

On (1) A "scare" is the sudden, unexpected solution of tension. A scare is rendered horrific when that solution is fearful. Altogether, tension + solution + fearful element = horrific. For instance: imagine a child riding a three-wheeler down a road. This is tension. The solution comes when the child is struck by a car. But it is not until a fearful element, such as blood, viscera, or inappropriate laughter, that the scene is rendered horrifying.

I'll leave it there with a "revise accordingly."

Frankenstein's Mistress

I did not fabricate this monster;
it was already inside you, crawling
beneath your skin. I watched you stalk
trust before knifing it on an evening stroll.
I couldn't stem the glut of denial
spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions arose
with each trip into town. Men stared
at you, their eyes incensed,
faces grimacing, as if stricken
by a neural malady. I realize now
they were reliving the scourge
prior to your exile,
before you latched onto me.

From your smirk, I surmised
these others gulped down
those honeydew words
and alluring glazed lines
you serve again and again. Intoxication
blinded them to your warped nature
behind the body that's all curves.

I imbibed at first,
but have now fought off
the addiction; your lips, your hips
no longer have sway. You must leave
my home to find a another host,
a new junkie.

Better hurry darling,

angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are storming the driveway.

[ChristopherSea]

Crow, I had no idea that you were still working on this with me. I suppose that a year is a long enough respite that I can now revisit this. Thanks so much and sorry for missing this latest critique until now! /Chris

PS: I quickly made some quick adjustments. However, the elevation of fear factor that you refer to will require further work.