Hope Behind the Wheel

[tigrflye]

Edited with suggestions from Trueengma and Todd-

You're melting fast, and I know what you weigh.
Reluctant, I'm the one who's forced to see
the skin relax on bones, your flesh-display
of discontent in life or just with me.
I miss the man you were before your eyes,
half-closed with stress, averted mine. You lost
the boyish smile that shivered up my thighs
to gently warm my womb. Away, you tossed
my trembling touch, unwilling to be soothed
or let me soothe myself. Sweat- painted hide
is now just diluted memory; you used
to be so ever-willing to provide.
I'd pack my bags to head out on my own,
But I can't leave you struggling here alone.


Original
He gave it up somewhere along the way,
and sadly, I'm the one who's forced to see
the skin relax on bones, a flesh-display
of discontent to share the road with me.
I miss the man he was before his eyes,
half-closed with stress, averted mine. He lost
the boyish smile that shivered up my thighs
and gently warmed my womb. Away, he tossed
my timid touch, unwilling to be soothed
or let me soothe myself. Sweat-painted hide
is now just diluted memory he used
to be so ever-willing to provide.
But I won't leave him struggling there alone.
I'll keep my vows, continue driving home.

[Truerenigma]

He gave it up somewhere along the way,
and sadly, I'm the one who's forced to see
the skin relax on bones, a flesh-display
of discontent to share the road with me.
I miss the man he was before his eyes,
half-closed with stress, averted mine. He lost
the boyish smile that shivered up my thighs
and gently warmed my womb. Away, he tossed
my timid touch, unwilling to be soothed
or let me soothe myself. Sweat-painted hide
is now just diluted memory he used
to be so ever-willing to provide.
But I won't leave him struggling there alone.
I'll keep my vows, continue driving home.

This seems fine to me; just a semi-colon needed to end L1.
L2 could perhaps end on a better verb than "see", which seems to be performing a function a little closer to something like "watch".
Some may see "along the way", and "share the road with me" as cliche, but I think it works; for me, the couplet redeems, reconciles, and refreshes it. You have an anapest in L11, but I think it may be intentional, and it works for me as well, actually I think it's /perfect/: the anapest "dilutes" the line--content matching form.

The break on "he lost" in L6 is clever, I like it. The breaks on 8 and ten contain good images, but the pauses there are not as strong and some of the rhyme is lost--it may be a worthy compromise though: you get some good tension on 8, and the image in ten is interesting, original, and well, sexy.

Overall I think the interplay between sexual/emotional tension and the two characters is handled quite well both the aurally and visually, and it is really a pleasure to read.

P.s. You need some punctuation after "memory" in L11. I'd suggest maybe loosing the hyphen in L10 and using a dash. Also, perhaps a dash, semi-colon or colon might be a good idea at the end on L13, to connect the two lines.

[Todd]

Hi Jenn,

This one has some melancholy content. Let me address the lines below:

He gave it up somewhere along the way,--You do something that I've had called out on me before. Using it in your first line the way you do is problematic. It is a vague word, and it can cause a first line to stutter. I think your title needs to answer what "it" is for you to pull it off. Likely though a rewrite is the better choice.
and sadly, I'm the one who's forced to see--adverb tells too much. Is there a way to demonstrate sadly more by action or imagery
the skin relax on bones, a flesh-display--This line is interesting. Its the first one that drew me in.
of discontent to share the road with me.[n]--maybe this instead of the.[/b]
I miss the man he was before his eyes,--These pronouns feel all wrong to me. He's might work better as you's throughout. Not sure, just the third person seems to work against the poignancy of the ideas. Just a thought.
half-closed with stress, averted mine. He lost--the averted mine feels like an awkward transition. The break on lost is nice
the boyish smile that shivered up my thighs
and gently warmed my womb. Away, he tossed--It feels like the poem is starting on "He lost the boyish smile..." You're hitting your stride. It makes me wonder about the necessity of the earlier lines
my timid touch, unwilling to be soothed--timid touch while nice sounding might be better replaced with an image.
or let me soothe myself. Sweat-painted hide--This feels obviously sexual but also strangely spirit quest native american. The dual meaning of hide which you could exploit here is interesting, but it just feels off with the title and the scene your creating.
is now just diluted memory he used--diluted memory also seems to be crying out for an image, or something you could expand over a couple of lines
to be so ever-willing to provide.
But I won't leave him struggling there alone.
I'll keep my vows, continue driving home.

Jenn, it may not come across but I quite like the content. I think there's a lot of potential here. The poem just feels a bit all over the place to me. I would like more imagery. I hope some of this helped. I'm not sure at this point what to suggest. Maybe you'll have some ideas if you agree with the assessment.

Best,

Todd

[tigrflye]

He gave it up somewhere along the way,
and sadly, I'm the one who's forced to see
the skin relax on bones, a flesh-display
of discontent to share the road with me.
I miss the man he was before his eyes,
half-closed with stress, averted mine. He lost
the boyish smile that shivered up my thighs
and gently warmed my womb. Away, he tossed
my timid touch, unwilling to be soothed
or let me soothe myself. Sweat-painted hide
is now just diluted memory he used
to be so ever-willing to provide.
But I won't leave him struggling there alone.
I'll keep my vows, continue driving home.

This seems fine to me; just a semi-colon needed to end L1.
L2 could perhaps end on a better verb than "see", which seems to be performing a function a little closer to something like "watch".
Some may see "along the way", and "share the road with me" as cliche, but I think it works; for me, the couplet redeems, reconciles, and refreshes it. You have an anapest in L11, but I think it may be intentional, and it works for me as well, actually I think it's /perfect/: the anapest "dilutes" the line--content matching form.

The break on "he lost" in L6 is clever, I like it. The breaks on 8 and ten contain good images, but the pauses there are not as strong and some of the rhyme is lost--it may be a worthy compromise though: you get some good tension on 8, and the image in ten is interesting, original, and well, sexy.

Overall I think the interplay between sexual/emotional tension and the two characters is handled quite well both the aurally and visually, and it is really a pleasure to read.

P.s. You need some punctuation after "memory" in L11. I'd suggest maybe loosing the hyphen in L10 and using a dash. Also, perhaps a dash, semi-colon or colon might be a good idea at the end on L13, to connect the two lines.

Thank you so much. I agree with just about everything you said,& I appreciate the close eye.

---

Hi Jenn,

This one has some melancholy content. Let me address the lines below:

He gave it up somewhere along the way,--You do something that I've had called out on me before. Using it in your first line the way you do is problematic. It is a vague word, and it can cause a first line to stutter. I think your title needs to answer what "it" is for you to pull it off. Likely though a rewrite is the better choice.

the title doesn't even suggest a little that I mean he gave up hope? That he "gave up" ? No? Regardless, I do want the first line to be interesting, so I'll think of other options

and sadly, I'm the one who's forced to see--adverb tells too much. Is there a way to demonstrate sadly more by action or imagery
yeah, probably
the skin relax on bones, a flesh-display--This line is interesting. Its the first one that drew me in.
of discontent to share the road with me.[n]--maybe this instead of the.[/b]
I miss the man he was before his eyes,--These pronouns feel all wrong to me. He's might work better as you's throughout. Not sure, just the third person seems to work against the poignancy of the ideas. Just a thought.
half-closed with stress, averted mine. He lost--the averted mine feels like an awkward transition. The break on lost is nice

awkward transition? I miss the man he was before his eyes averted mine.

the boyish smile that shivered up my thighs
and gently warmed my womb. Away, he tossed--It feels like the poem is starting on "He lost the boyish smile..." You're hitting your stride. It makes me wonder about the necessity of the earlier lines[/b]
my timid touch, unwilling to be soothed--timid touch while nice sounding might be better replaced with an image.
or let me soothe myself. Sweat-painted hide--This feels obviously sexual but also strangely spirit quest native american. The dual meaning of hide which you could exploit here is interesting, but it just feels off with the title and the scene your creating.
is now just diluted memory he used--diluted memory also seems to be crying out for an image, or something you could expand over a couple of lines
to be so ever-willing to provide.
But I won't leave him struggling there alone.
I'll keep my vows, continue driving home.

Jenn, it may not come across but I quite like the content. I think there's a lot of potential here. The poem just feels a bit all over the place to me. I would like more imagery. I hope some of this helped. I'm not sure at this point what to suggest. Maybe you'll have some ideas if you agree with the assessment.

Best,

Todd

oh wow, Todd, you have given me a lot to think about. Thanks
It is going to take some time.

[saleel]

He gave it up somewhere along the way,
and sadly, I'm the one who's forced to see
the skin relax on bones, a flesh-display
of discontent to share the road with me.
I miss the man he was before his eyes,
half-closed with stress, averted mine. He lost
the boyish smile that shivered up my thighs
and gently warmed my womb. Away, he tossed
my timid touch, unwilling to be soothed
or let me soothe myself. Sweat-painted hide
is now just diluted memory he used
to be so ever-willing to provide.
But I won't leave him struggling there alone.
I'll keep my vows, continue driving home.

Wow, I felt like I peeked into someone's struggles in marriage. I love your analogy and how you tied it all together. I felt like I became her for some reason Like understanding her feelings and feeling nostalgic for when you first met. I like the line, "But, I won't leave him struggling there alone." Simply beautiful poem.

[tigrflye]

I'm putting up an edit - curious if you think I am headed in a better direction.. I need to change the title.

[Truerenigma]

I like the change in address--Todd was right about the pronouns (and a lot of other things), also the tone may be more direct this way--and the punctuation is better, but there are some new problems: L1 is a mess, metrically and otherwise--what do you mean "melting fast", what does the addressee's weight, whether the N knows it or not, have to do with anything?-- and the new couplet sounds trite and cliche.

---

I'd start over, and try editing more "gently".

[Todd]

I like the edit quite a bit. My one initial call out is Reluctant in L2 "forced" already conveys the idea so reluctant comes off as filler.

You have a much better opening, and I think the poem holds together better.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

it reads as a sonnet though i'm not good enough to do any scansion on it
some good images that give a feel of age and commitment and a dead love. the two hyphens don't work for me though it might be valid (i'm not to up on punctuation either )
overall it's a sad affair that holds the reader ( this is a compliment :J
at first i thought it was a poem about self. but there is a 2nd person and so the early ambiguity was a good bonus. thanks for the read jenn

Edited with suggestions from Trueengma and Todd-

You're melting fast and I know what you weigh.
Reluctant, I'm the one who's forced to see
the skin relax on bones, your flesh-display
of discontent in life or just with me. [ of] feels a bit awkward, a suggestion would be [a]
I miss the man you were before your eyes, i don't think the enjambment works well enough here. no suggestion really, maybe a comma after before. wish i could be of more help.
half-closed with stress, averted mine. You lost
the boyish smile that shivered up my thighs boyish smile is cliche, i'm sure of this because the judge accused me of having one before sending me to prison )
to gently warm my womb. Away, you tossed not sure the the comma after away works well
my trembling touch, unwilling to be soothed
or let me soothe myself. Sweat- painted hide
is now just diluted memory; you used
to be so ever-willing to provide.
I'd pack my bags to head out on my own, a sad couplet to end.
But I can't leave you struggling here alone.


Original
He gave it up somewhere along the way,
and sadly, I'm the one who's forced to see
the skin relax on bones, a flesh-display
of discontent to share the road with me.
I miss the man he was before his eyes,
half-closed with stress, averted mine. He lost
the boyish smile that shivered up my thighs
and gently warmed my womb. Away, he tossed
my timid touch, unwilling to be soothed
or let me soothe myself. Sweat-painted hide
is now just diluted memory he used
to be so ever-willing to provide.
But I won't leave him struggling there alone.
I'll keep my vows, continue driving home.

[tigrflye]

Ha. Yay for feedback. This one feels like a Rubik cube. I've been twisting it, but I dont know it it is getting closer to finished. Thoughts on a new title haven't gotten very far.

Trueenigma - line 1 is a mess? How so metrically? It's the "and I know what" part right? I screwed up an iamb and whatever I substituted is a no-no?
I was trying to give a visual and attempting to just say what I mean to say. He (you) is melting - the weight is falling off quickly. Resulting in skin hanging on bone and I am the lucky one who is close enough to worry over the weight. Crap - that ending couplet is a nasty bitch.

Todd - rather than keep changing "reluctant" or sadly..
Perhaps I can change "forced"
"reluctant, im the one who stayed to see"
...initial thought.

Billy- thanks. At least you can tell I was going for a sonnet! I will change "boyish smile". And Ill look at the enjambments again.
Ok, back to twist the Rubik cube.

Thanks again! Xoxo - Jenn

[Truerenigma]

Trueenigma - line 1 is a mess? How so metrically? It's the "and I know what" part right? I screwed up an iamb and whatever I substituted is a no-no?

/you're MELT/ing FAST/ and i KNOW/ what you WEIGH/.

four feet: iamb/iamb/anapest/anapest. you want strong, clear iambs in your first line to establish normative meter before you start sub-ing anyway.

[justcloudy]

Hi Jenn, I found this to be a nice read, thanks for that!

I love L5-6, and the enjambent worked for me. L7-8 were a bit weird though, "womb" totally threw me and I started wondering if it was a mother-son relationship. But soon after it became obvious that nope, not so much. ;p

Trembling touch is an improvement on the original, so is the last line,but I do think you could have a stronger ending maybe. She feels tied to him, like she has to fulfill her duty, but clearly there's more to it than that. Don't have any concrete suggestions but hopefully you can see what I mean.

I feel like the story could be meated out more. From the comments I see you've been struggling a bit with it. Maybe use Todd's suggestion of expanding on "diluted memory."

Just some thoughts, feel free to ignore whatever you like... sometimes too many crits just make things more confusing.

Anyway overall enjoyable to read. It's sad and naughty all at once, not sure how you managed that but I like it!

-justcloudy

[tigrflye]

Trueenigma - line 1 is a mess? How so metrically? It's the "and I know what" part right? I screwed up an iamb and whatever I substituted is a no-no?

/you're MELT/ing FAST/ and i KNOW/ what you WEIGH/.

four feet: iamb/iamb/anapest/anapest. you want strong, clear iambs in your first line to establish normative meter before you start sub-ing anyway.

ahh i see. you made that very clear. Thank you.
I was reading it something like and I/KNOW what/ you WEIGH.
Still screwed up, so maybe i shouldn't admit that. Ha!
thanks.
You're melting faster than the snow in May.
ok, I give up.

---

Hi Jenn, I found this to be a nice read, thanks for that!

I love L5-6, and the enjambent worked for me. L7-8 were a bit weird though, "womb" totally threw me and I started wondering if it was a mother-son relationship. But soon after it became obvious that nope, not so much. ;p

Trembling touch is an improvement on the original, so is the last line,but I do think you could have a stronger ending maybe. She feels tied to him, like she has to fulfill her duty, but clearly there's more to it than that. Don't have any concrete suggestions but hopefully you can see what I mean.

I feel like the story could be meated out more. From the comments I see you've been struggling a bit with it. Maybe use Todd's suggestion of expanding on "diluted memory."

Just some thoughts, feel free to ignore whatever you like... sometimes too many crits just make things more confusing.

Anyway overall enjoyable to read. It's sad and naughty all at once, not sure how you managed that but I like it!

-justcloudy

im glad to hear that some parts work. Thanks.
I can try explaining "womb" because I would like to keep it. The thought is : warmed the N's womb by giving her children or the act of making children. Ya know, getting it all hot up in there.
Yes- it is duty and so much more. Trying to convey that, all wrapped up with a bow. Thanks for helping.
Jenn

[gernseeker]

Edited with suggestions from Trueengma and Todd-

You're melting fast, and I know what you weigh.
Reluctant, I'm the one who's forced to see
the skin relax on bones, your flesh-display
of discontent in life or just with me.
I miss the man you were before your eyes,
half-closed with stress, averted mine. You lost
the boyish smile that shivered up my thighs
to gently warm my womb. Away, you tossed
my trembling touch, unwilling to be soothed
or let me soothe myself. Sweat- painted hide
is now just diluted memory; you used
to be so ever-willing to provide.
I'd pack my bags to head out on my own,
But I can't leave you struggling here alone.

There is a lot here! In general, I very much enjoyed reading the piece. I love meter and rhyme, and am baffled why the modern American poetic community shuns it. I've read the arguments...I disagree.

I particularly like your spondee "half closed" which, following "your eyes" slowed me down and painted the moment.

As for changes/comments:

The "Away, you tossed" inversion feels a little forced. Not sure what to suggest.

"warm my womb" sounds pretty but I'm not sure womb feels right in this poem. It took me out of the moment. Maybe something like

"And gently touched inside. ..." which gives you the "inside" rhyme with the previous "thighs" and is thus sexual but a little less explicit.

"Pack my bags" feel colloquial - without it the poem becomes more timeless - as poems about love often are (should be?)

Love the poem - keep writing!