hide and seek

[milo]

you tricked me - being lost
could be such fun
and so I close my eyes
and shout out “one

Mississippi two”
and press my head against the tree
alone enough to hear each falling leaf
but still I scream,

convinced that you might hear, “three
Mississippi four”
as years pass by on padded paws
like wolves, in packs, close by and you’re

too far gone to know if I’m alive
but scared, I cry out, “five
Mississippi six”
and I am fine, so maybe I can save

you, as you have been too long within the wood
and I am strong so I should
open up my eyes and I
am kneeling at your grave.

[billy]

i know this is the for fun forum but i think it's excellent.

love the mississippi enjambment

[milo]

i know this is the for fun forum but i think it's excellent.

love the mississippi enjambment

I would be lying if I said I wasn't pleased that it worked for you. I had originally written it with whitespace but couldn't really pull it off so the changeover is painful. I really wasn't even going to bother posting it all.

[ellajam]

Ooohhh, first read but I really like this; it brought a lot of images into my head that kept changing as I read. Packs a wallop.

[Todd]

Holy crap milo! I wasn't expecting that. It's really a stunning piece. I actually need to give myself time to comment. I read your note to billy. It's always the ones we don't think are that much that tend to move people. It might be my favorite from you. It's definitely in the running.

[ThePinsir]

this is the best poem I've read since I've been here. that last line REALLY took me by surprise

[milo]

Holy crap milo! I wasn't expecting that. It's really a stunning piece. I actually need to give myself time to comment. I read your note to billy. It's always the ones we don't think are that much that tend to move people. It might be my favorite from you. It's definitely in the running.

You know if I posted this over at pffa I would get links to blurbs of wisdom, suggestions to actually read some poetry, at least 3 comments that I shouldn't attempt rhyme or meter until I learned something about it, etc.

[Todd]

Can't argue with you. They would be wrong, but every site has its prejudices.

[milo]

Can't argue with you. They would be wrong, but every site has its prejudices.

Yah, I used to be a huge contributor over there and every time I am tempted to go back I am reminded how tedious poetry critique without dialogue is.

[milo]

this is the best poem I've read since I've been here. that last line REALLY took me by surprise

Thanks for the comments and the read.

---

Ooohhh, first read but I really like this; it brought a lot of images into my head that kept changing as I read. Packs a wallop.

Thank you, as Todd mentioned, sometimes it is unexpected.

[Truerenigma]

This is pretty good. The break between S4 and five is a bit of a hang up, but I think it works for the most part. The hide and seek image, counting with Mississippi, is incredibly powerful.

[billy]

i know this is the for fun forum but i think it's excellent.

love the mississippi enjambment

I would be lying if I said I wasn't pleased that it worked for you. I had originally written it with whitespace but couldn't really pull it off so the changeover is painful. I really wasn't even going to bother posting it all.

the wait because of the enjambment in that part gives the read that split second to remember all the games they played where counting as in hide and seek was mandatory. for me the poem hangs just the perfect amount each time it's used.

---

Can't argue with you. They would be wrong, but every site has its prejudices.

Yah, I used to be a huge contributor over there and every time I am tempted to go back I am reminded how tedious poetry critique without dialogue is.

i'm guilty of sometimes not engaging in dialogue enough and instead just critiquing inline. recently i have been making suggestions and talking about the poem re intent ex, (i'm still not there yet but i'm trying :J

[milo]

This is pretty good. The break between S4 and five is a bit of a hang up, but I think it works for the most part. The hide and seek image, counting with Mississippi, is incredibly powerful.

thanks for the comments. Yes, I had originally handled all the transition with white space. I am not sure you remember but I hate gimmicks like white space (until I do it of course) so i hated the result and removed the white space. I have considered a new solution to make the transition less painful.

[Truerenigma]

This is pretty good. The break between S4 and five is a bit of a hang up, but I think it works for the most part. The hide and seek image, counting with Mississippi, is incredibly powerful.

thanks for the comments. Yes, I had originally handled all the transition with white space. I am not sure you remember but I hate gimmicks like white space (until I do it of course) so i hated the result and removed the white space. I have considered a new solution to make the transition less painful.

And just who, or what story, were you planning on putting in this "white space", as an allusion?

[milo]

This is pretty good. The break between S4 and five is a bit of a hang up, but I think it works for the most part. The hide and seek image, counting with Mississippi, is incredibly powerful.

thanks for the comments. Yes, I had originally handled all the transition with white space. I am not sure you remember but I hate gimmicks like white space (until I do it of course) so i hated the result and removed the white space. I have considered a new solution to make the transition less painful.

And just who, or what story, were you planning on putting in this "white space", as an allusion?

doesn't all white space allude to Judas Iscariot through the virgin Mary?

[Truerenigma]

That joke's so old by now that you may not even remember or get it. Sorry. I just couldn't resist.

---

Oh, yes if course it does! All white space belongs to them.