(11-04-2021, 01:22 PM)Velasco Wrote: Like the distant sounding of the nightly train, -- nightly train home?
the day reverberates through joints and muscles, -- comma feels a bit awkward here. [our] before joints and muscles perhaps?
into a sky where all the stars
have been replaced with one that blinks tiredly -- think about moving 'have been replaced' up to the previous line and possibly 'from a radio tower' to this one
from a radio tower. -- also, 'tiredly' feels a little more tell than show. gently?
Memories that leave their scales in corners -- scales? scurry? what animal is this?
unseen in our presence,
scurry into weeds that grew from pavement cracks. -- grow not grew works better here. consider moving l3 to l1, i.e. ' ... cracks, leaving their scales ... '
of the abandoned lot and supermarket past
the sodium-lit street. -- I like the thought behind this stanza, but it feels unwieldy for the simple thing it is trying to say. do you need l4?
In the dislocation of today
from yesterday and you, those shopping crowds
did not diminish—we simply vanished
and it feels like
those balloons that slipped into the sky -- the not those works better here
still roam the ether. -- my favorite stanza. the line breaks are now working in your favor.
But tonight, the moon's face basks in sunlight -- how??
with the peace that I'm reminded of
by a full tank's
click. -- neat last two lines. anticlimactic feeling but in a good way.
Nonetheless 'full tank' is throwing me off. gas station? if so, a mention in stanza 2 might tie it in better, but there is also the train in stanza 1. I like each individual part of this poem but the narrative girding it doesn't seem very cohesive to me -- both the characters and the environment, and what relevance they have to each other. this is so far a pleasant, interesting read, and if you have more changes to come, I will be looking forward to them.
Feedback addressed and changes:
Draft 2
S1L1-L2: Omitted "dull pain" and swapped "from" with "through". Reverberation of the day suggests some pain already, especially if in the joints. S2L1-L2: These lines were left alone. I understand that "sleeping lake" kind of leans into cliche, but I think that the way it is used is fine. Of course, if others begin to point this out as well, then I will make some changes. S2-L1: "nearly" added to maintain consistency with the weeds whispering in S3L5. S2L3: "Illuminating" is rewritten as "that illuminates" to indicate it is the memory, not the pavement, that illuminates the darkness past the street. S2L5: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sodium-vapor_lamp S3L1: The phrase "stark detachment" has been swapped for "dislocation". At first, only "stark" was omitted, but "detachment" didn't have the immediacy in action I was looking for and it felt bland. "Dislocation" took its place because it has that immediacy and also other implications that I feel match the poem's themes. Hopefully, this change promotes a smoother read. S3L5: "Whispers" changed to "whisper" to resolve the grammatical error. Draft 1, S3L7: The entire line was cut to shorten the sentence and hopefully make it easier to understand. I feel like it is suggested enough that the N is staring out into a dark parking lot (S2L4), so this line was unnecessary. S3L7: "Wander" was swapped for "roam" because it simply sounded better, in my opinion. S4L1: "Ghostly" was omitted in agreement with Wjames' feedback. The term may also steer the reader into different interpretations that are not intended. S4L4: This line was left as is. If it were to be placed anywhere else within the poem, then I would understand the critique that it breaks the flow of the poem. But, it is at the end of the poem, where the poem is at the end of its flow. I think that feeling of breaking the poem's flow is actually the effect of snapping the reader out of this reverie, which is intended so I find it difficult to remove this line.
Draft 2: Shell
Like the distant sounding of a train,
the day reverberates through joints,
into a sky where all the stars
have been replaced with one that blinks tiredly
from a radio tower.
Pavement, nearly silent with the stillness
of a sleeping lake, bears memories
like a loon's lament that illuminates
the abandoned lot and supermarket past
the sodium-lit street.
In the dislocation of today
from yesterday and you, those crowds
did not diminish---instead we vanished.
And the weeds that burgeoned
from our echoed silhouettes, whisper that
the balloons that slipped into the clouds
still roam the ether.
But tonight, the moon's face
basks in sunlight with the peace
a full tank brings
with a click.
Draft 1: Shell
Like the distant sounding of a train,
the day reverberates dull pain
from joints, into a sky where all the stars
have been replaced with one that blinks tiredly
from a radio tower.
Pavement, silent with the stillness
of a sleeping lake, bears memories
like a loon's lament, illuminating
the abandoned lot and supermarket past
the sodium-lit street.
In the stark detachment of today
from yesterday and you, those crowds
did not diminish---instead we vanished.
And the weeds that burgeoned
from our echoed silhouettes, whispers that
the balloons that slipped into the clouds
on the way to parked cars
still wander the ether.
But tonight, the moon's ghostly face
basks in sunlight with the peace
a full tank brings
with a click.
