Posts: 297
Threads: 47
Joined: May 2022
WTC Memorial
Rough barked oaks stand
ordered, in silence.
Hearts break by degrees touching three thousand names
etched into the margin.
Water cascades down granite walls, tears of a nation, the world
into a hole that
cannot be filled.
Posts: 663
Threads: 134
Joined: Oct 2017
.
Hi Bryn.
Very nice,
perhaps just a little trim?
Rough barked oaks
in ordered vigil. ..................... not sure what these lines add (given the title) - I'd be tempted to cut them and begin with
Hearts break by degrees
touching three thousand names
etched into the margin, the soul
of a nation, the world. Infinite tears
cascade down walls. A hole
that cannot be filled.
Best, Knot
.
Posts: 297
Threads: 47
Joined: May 2022
(06-23-2022, 08:06 PM)Knot Wrote: .
Hi Bryn.
Very nice,
perhaps just a little trim?
Rough barked oaks
in ordered vigil. ..................... not sure what these lines add (given the title) - I'd be tempted to cut them and begin with
Hearts break by degrees
touching three thousand names
etched into the margin, the soul
of a nation, the world. Infinite tears
cascade down walls. A hole
that cannot be filled.
Best, Knot
.
Hi Knot,
Thanks for stopping by. The whole poem is a pretty literal description of the memorial with the first lines describing a very regular planting of oak trees around the two sites of the towers. I was struck by the site of all of the oaks so regularly spaced, all the same size. It is also very quiet as everyone stops talking as you approach. We took some friends recently, which is what prompted the poem. Thanks again.
bryn
Posts: 350
Threads: 302
Joined: Sep 2014
WTC Memorial
Rough barked oaks stand
in ordered vigil, silent.
Hearts break
by degrees touching three thousand names
etched into the margin,
the soul of a nation, the world. Infinite
Souls of a nation, a world.
tears
cascade down walls
into a hole that
can’t be filled.
You've a penchant for hyperbole and all-encompassing worldliness that will fit this subject, this poem, if you work those characteristics into your style.
But I predicated my changes above on keeping a solemnity and avoiding moving into mawkishness.
I'm not a writer. I'm new to poetry, and simply am playing by ear.
English isn't my first language. So, maybe I don't register the subject as monumentally as I would.
Posts: 297
Threads: 47
Joined: May 2022
(08-10-2022, 03:55 PM)בַּרְזֶל Wrote:
Rough barked oaks stand
ordered, in silence.
Hearts break by degrees touching three thousand names
etched into the margin.
Water cascades down granite walls, tears of a nation, the world
into a hole that
cannot be filled.
This wonderfully constructed yet ever so tragic poetic rendering, captures the weathering of the many rainy winter seasons of time upon the tombs of the unknown soldiers who have died for the freedoms we ALL take for granted today. Well done Poet.
In my humble opinion this poem is ready for submission to any publication in any Veterans Journal around the world.
Consider "etched into the margins" Plural, potentially more internationally all encompassing. Also "Waters" Plural. Tears of nations the world over. into holes that can never be filled etc. I love your poem very much.
Maybe "Oaks" deserves a capital?
Hi,
Thank you for your kind words. I do like your suggestion about "waters". Not sure about the publishing part! Welcome to pigpen.
bryn
