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Wide brown eyes stare
as a starlit sky bends.
Four small paws reach
for an eternal end.
A dark abyss yawns
cavernous like midnight.
Forever wide the maw
it devours all light.
Fall into the starry bliss
as your last light fades.
By sleep be now kissed
sorrow be ever stayed.
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I think this poem is lacking emotion in my opinion, also I think you should expand on writing something less cliché. This feels like something I've read before. Let me break this poem down into stanzas.
Stanza 1: I thought it was interesting, nothing special, I've seen better though, you lack some imagery but I still find it interesting to read. Good going.
Stanza 2: What do you mean by a dark abyss yawns cavernous like midnight? What does that mean?
Stanza 3: I don't really understand this line, how what is so special about falling into the starry bliss? it's also a cliché, but other than that it is something to work on.
Overall I thought this poem was kind of dry. Sorry my opinion.
Thank for you sharing, I wish you good luck for this poem.
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(05-05-2020, 07:44 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote: I think this poem is lacking emotion in my opinion, also I think you should expand on writing something less cliché. This feels like something I've read before. Let me break this poem down into stanzas.
Stanza 1: I thought it was interesting, nothing special, I've seen better though, you lack some imagery but I still find it interesting to read. Good going.
Stanza 2: What do you mean by a dark abyss yawns cavernous like midnight? What does that mean?
Stanza 3: I don't really understand this line, how what is so special about falling into the starry bliss? it's also a cliché, but other than that it is something to work on.
Overall I thought this poem was kind of dry. Sorry my opinion.
Thank for you sharing, I wish you good luck for this poem.
My dog has cancer. It’s about death and an end to suffering. The abyss is death. Cheers.
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I think the poem is filled with emotion. Grief and fear of the abyss. Tender love, the small paws.
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(05-12-2020, 06:55 PM)ComposerMike Wrote: I think the poem is filled with emotion. Grief and fear of the abyss. Tender love, the small paws.
Hi,
Thank you. I was quite sad when I wrote it. The starry bliss is a representation of doggy heaven. It it were to exist. Being kissed by sleep, refers to dying. I could think of no other creative, but ‘nice’ way of referring to the process of dying. Needless to say. I love my dog.
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I had trouble with the wording too...at first, but after your explanation it makes perfect sense. It's difficult some times for others to 'see' the vision that you, as a writer, sees when writing. I've had the same issue, although I'm no poet. Just a person who rhymes words, so please take any feedback as that from an idiot in poetry lol. All in all, it was a very nice write to a beloved friend and family member. Good job
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I really liked it, but only after I saw your comment explaining what it was about. Before that, I didn't quite understand. Knowing this now though, I can see how you write it to console yourself about your dying dog. Maybe its just me, but I feel as though you are transmitting that emotion through this. There were a few things I also didn't get. For instance, what do you mean by the dark abyss yawning?
