Parents *Edit 1

[HaleINthewind]

EDIT #1

We can see you,   
in your 40 hour sweat;
You lick the salt as if it were gold dust,
and choke on the water that’s left
 
It is said: two days make up for five.
With dawn, early birds rise,
catch the rubber worm, regurgitate,
and perpetuate it into their child.
 
It isn't easy,
jumping into the grinder feet first.
Pretending , the crunching
is from the  pretzels you call lunch.
 
When your body’s all, bone-fragment- flecked -pink –meat,
gather yourself, go home.
Press your remnants into the human shaped mold on the couch,
and wonder why we will not choose to live the same.

---

Parents
We can see you,
in your 40 hour sweat;
licking up the salt as if it were gold dust,
choking on the water that is left.
 
Myth: two days make up for 5.
Dawn exists so early birds can rise,
catch the rubber worm, regurgitate,
and perpetuate it into their child.
 
It’s not supposed to be easy,
jumping into the grinder feet first.
Pretending , the crunching
is from the  pretzels you call lunch.
 
When your body’s all, bone-fragment- flecked -pink –meat,
gather yourself, go home.
Press your remnants into the human shaped mold on the couch.
And wonder why we won't do the same.



Thanks you for your time!

[rowens]

I have a pretty good feeling about this poem. I think it works well. But you must doubt it. Well, it might just be a strong, very strong skeleton, ready to hoist more meaty substance. But I don't know. I like the salt, the salt of the earth workers. And I like the finale. I think it's a fine ending for a thin poem. I think there's just enough innocence in it to justify what some might consider clunky rhymes and lines, but I don't think they're clunky or bad. They're good. I like the images, I like the comparisons. The pretzels and the birds and the sounds. I like the compression and the sequences in the stanzas. That's my critique.

[HaleINthewind]

I have a pretty good feeling about this poem. I think it works well. But you must doubt it. Well, it might just be a strong, very strong skeleton, ready to hoist more meaty substance. But I don't know. I like the salt, the salt of the earth workers. And I like the finale. I think it's a fine ending for a thin poem. I think there's just enough innocence in it to justify what some might consider clunky rhymes and lines, but I don't think they're clunky or bad. They're good. I like the images, I like the comparisons. The pretzels and the birds and the sounds. I like the compression and the sequences in the stanzas. That's my critique.

Rowens, I appreciate your critique although I am a bit confused on what to do with it. If this poem is lacking in substance how can I fix that, How do I know its missing to begin with. ( I guess that is a skill Ill learn ). I would love to add meat to this skeleton, and fix any clunkiness ( whether it is likable or not. )

Anyway thanks , Ill probbly keep re reading this critique to see what I can get from it. Thanks for taking the time out to read and write your critique.

[rowens]

The problem is I like the poem. I was trying to think about it more objectively and find things to criticize, but there was little use in overthinking it. Do you think it's a weak or flawed poem yourself?

[HaleINthewind]

The problem is I like the poem. I was trying to think about it more objectively and find things to criticize, but there was little use in overthinking it. Do you think it's a weak or flawed poem yourself?

Oh lol, okay well... thanks. I guess I just don't feel I know enough about poetry to trust I would know. I do wonder if the early bird thing is cliche/ maybe to much showing not enough telling. I think the opening and closing stanzas are great. I too like the pretzel bit but, Idk I guess I will always think there can be more. ( I also tend to change good things until they are so mangled there is nothing left. ) That's why I am lucky to be on here having people keep me straight ( not one extreme or the other. )

Thanks for re- responding btw

[rowens]

Maybe if you think the bird reference is too direct you could show it with more subtle details. Instead of just saying 'bird' maybe showing it through smaller details of its features.

---

But sometimes direct is good. You don't have to overpoetize.

[HaleINthewind]

Maybe if you think the bird reference is too direct you could show it with more subtle details. Instead of just saying 'bird' maybe showing it through smaller details of its features.

---

But sometimes direct is good. You don't have to overpoetize.

Thanks I may play around with that ! That is where I get hung up Knowing when its okay to be blunt or when its " showing not telling" my biggest enemy ( besides spelling) I know the "Myth:" is suposed to be direct needs it, so yeah I may play around see what works best.

[MadelineAnne]

Hi! This has some great imagery. I like that it builds on something very commonplace like the experiences of parents, but from a unique vantage point. Just a couple of thoughts below:

Parents ~Perhaps a colon after this intro?
We can see you, ~Don't capitalize "we" since you began the sentence with "parents."
in your 40 hour sweat;
licking up the salt as if it were gold dust, ~after a semi-colon, you need to have a subject. Semi-colons link two complete sentences that are related to each other in meaning. Right now you have two verbal clauses.
choking on the water that is left.
 
Myth: two days make up for 5.
Dawn exists so early birds can rise,
catch the rubber worm, regurgitate,
and perpetuate it into their child.
 
It’s not supposed to be easy,
jumping into the grinder feet first. ~very visceral, good
Pretending , the crunching
is from the  pretzels you call lunch.
 
When your body’s all, bone-fragment- flecked -pink –meat,
gather yourself, go home.
Press your remnants into the human shaped mold on the couch. ~good imagery here
And wonder why we won't do the same. ~If this sentence is intended to be a continuation of the previous, just link them with a comma. Also, perhaps it's just me, but the meaning of this last line is entirely lost to me.



Thanks you for your time!

Rowens is correct that this is an excellent start. You have a lot of good structure here to build on. Best of luck to you with it!

[HaleINthewind]

Hey, Madeline thank you for looking over my poem and giving some good critique. The parents was actually just the title it is not part of the poem. I shouldn't have left it like that. Also, thank you for commenting on my semi colon. I knew when as I was writing this couldn't be right but I kept it in to see what happens. As for the ending I will see what others say. Whether it makes since or not, I may be able to strengthen it anyway. Thanks again for the critq, I appreciate you taking time out to read. I will probobly do a quick first edit to fix the title thing and my basic grammar issues. Thank you!

[CRNDLSM]

Pretty cool

EDIT #1

We can see you,   
in your 40 hour sweat;
You lick the salt as if it were gold dust,
and choke on the water that’s left
 
It is said: two days make up for five.
With dawn, early birds rise,
catch the rubber worm, regurgitate,
and perpetuate it into their child.how about 'perpetuate it to their child.' No 'and' or 'in'
 
It isn't easy,
jumping into the grinder feet first.
Pretending , the crunching
is from the  pretzels you call lunch.
 
When your body’s all, bone-fragment- flecked -pink –meat,
gather yourself, go home.
Press your remnants into the human shaped mold on the couch,
and wonder why we will not choose to live the same. I liked the first way better here. All the quick 'w's worked for me.

---

Parents
We can see you,
in your 40 hour sweat;
licking up the salt as if it were gold dust,
choking on the water that is left.
 
Myth: two days make up for 5.
Dawn exists so early birds can rise,
catch the rubber worm, regurgitate,
and perpetuate it into their child.
 
It’s not supposed to be easy,
jumping into the grinder feet first.
Pretending , the crunching
is from the  pretzels you call lunch.
 
When your body’s all, bone-fragment- flecked -pink –meat,
gather yourself, go home.
Press your remnants into the human shaped mold on the couch.
And wonder why we won't do the same.



Thanks you for your time!

[HaleINthewind]

CRNDLSM- Thank you for your critique. I definitely like the suggestion of ditching the and and into. To doesn't work for me though, through however does. I think that still does the job of cutting the clunkiness. Also as much as I would like to say I did it on purpose I didn't even notice the alliteration at the end in the original. Thanks it does sound nicer aloud. I was trying to fix any clarity issues with the end.

Thanks you for your time! Definitely gonna put this to use.

[Krakus]

It’s not supposed to be easy,
jumping into the grinder feet first.
Pretending , the crunching 
is from the  pretzels you call lunch.

I love that line. I think it'll speak to a lot of people. Anyone who had a hard working parent, and could see the stress it put on them.

[HaleINthewind]

Thanks krakus,

[Mark Cecil]

It is said: two days make up for five.
With dawn, early birds rise,
catch the rubber worm, regurgitate,
and perpetuate it into their child.

This is my favourite part of the poem it gives a real clear image it how parenting can be a messy if not disgusting affair. I also think the other image of the grinder is also strong in showing how demanding parenting is and how the parent tries to hid their own pain of parenting, this is very identifiable so to is the last line as parents always wish children to be more placid.

[mitsuch]

EDIT #1

We can see you,   
in your 40 hour sweat; - dont believe the semi colon is required
You lick the salt as if it were gold dust,
and choke on the water that’s left
 
It is said: two days make up for five.
With dawn, early birds rise,
catch the rubber worm, regurgitate,
and perpetuate it into their child. - maybe drop the "it" for more flow and poet feel, feels like its blocking the line, its a great one.
 
It isn't easy,
jumping into the grinder feet first.
Pretending , the crunching - maybe consider removing the comma? Feels out of place to me atleast, not required.
is from the  pretzels you call lunch.
 
When your body’s all, bone-fragment- flecked -pink –meat, - I actually think that the lines of the last stanza are unbalanced in syllable count which is taking away from the flow, it makes it harder to absord and understand. May just be me though.
gather yourself, go home.
Press your remnants into the human shaped mold on the couch,
and wonder why we will not choose to live the same. Definitely prefered the first version of this line better, this is bulky and rough.

---

Parents
We can see you,
in your 40 hour sweat;
licking up the salt as if it were gold dust,
choking on the water that is left.
 
Myth: two days make up for 5.
Dawn exists so early birds can rise,
catch the rubber worm, regurgitate,
and perpetuate it into their child.
 
It’s not supposed to be easy,
jumping into the grinder feet first.
Pretending , the crunching
is from the  pretzels you call lunch.
 
When your body’s all, bone-fragment- flecked -pink –meat,
gather yourself, go home.
Press your remnants into the human shaped mold on the couch.
And wonder why we won't do the same.



Thanks you for your time!

Definitely enjoyed the poem. Some pointers up top

[starlight]

EDIT #1

We can see you, maybe remove the 'can' here in order to make this line more powerful   
in your 40 hour sweat; I agree with the above post, semicolon isn't needed here  
You lick the salt as if it were gold dust,
and choke on the water that’s left all of your other stanzas end in periods. Is there a reason you left one out here?  
 
It is said: two days make up for five.
With dawn, early birds rise,
catch the rubber worm, regurgitate,
and perpetuate it into their child. This line feels like one syllable too many. Perhaps change 'into' to 'to.'  
 
It isn't easy,
jumping into the grinder feet first.
Pretending , the crunching I don't understand these two lines completely. Are you sure the comma belongs?  
is from the  pretzels you call lunch.
 
When your body’s all, bone-fragment- flecked -pink –meat, Again, I don't think a comma belongs after all. I like the imagery here though, it's beautiful  
gather yourself, go home.
Press your remnants into the human shaped mold on the couch,
and wonder why we will not choose to live the same. This is a beautiful ending. Great work  

Great poem! Please refer to my comments above.

[Emz]

Dear Haleinthewind,

I love this poem; your revision is much cleaner than the original.

My favourite line: 
It is said: two days make up for five.
I love how the narrator rejects this cultural concept that we can only live the two days a week that we don't work. The narrator views this attitude in his/her parents and recognises it for what it is: a bad attitude!

The first verse is interesting. Something about someone seeking only the salt of their own sweat, and choking on the water left, seems appropriately disgusting for some of the things a parent with the wrong attitude may say or do.

I am not entirely sure what the third verse is for? I can see a point about unhealthy habits, but I think you may need to take a closer look at the third verse and try to flesh out in a clearer way what it is you are trying to say.

Your fourth verse wraps it up tightly. I am just wondering about how it is punctuated in the first line, but then again I don't have alternate ideas. Maybe play around with the line a little bit, read it aloud, see how it changes in flow, etc?

Emma

[HaleINthewind]

Wow , I cant believe it has been a month since I have been on. In that time you all have given me some great things to think about. Sorry it took me so long to respond. I value all of you taking the time to read and critique my poem!

EMMA - I will be sure to look more into that third stanza. It is supposed to highlighting the the toll of over working a job you dont really want to while neglecting your body and your self.( saying that it does seem like a stretch knowing what that stanza says. I enjoyed reading how my first stanza hit you, and what you got out of that. "appropriately disgusting" tickled me.

STARLIGHT- you are not the first person to mention the extra word in s 2 line 4. I agree after having read it a few times "IT" is extra and unneeded. Same effect less wordage. Also I agree , the comma for" pretending, the crunching" it is not supposed to be like that. MY computer version the comma is after crunching. My mistake. I also agree about the we can see you thing it sounds better and does have more of a wow.

MITSUCH- I agree with what you say about the coma's. Your right I could do without the semicolon, but I like it for some reason. Is there a technical reason this may not be a valuable option? Also I am definatley changing the ending back. I sacrificed the sound for " clarity" and I think I just flat out soggied that ending. I will probably work on the last stanza. I am thinking of shortening the lines and allowing this one to be five isntead of four. As the grand finale. I tried jamming it all into 4 lines to stick with my other stanzas. It doesn't work.

Thank you all again !!