(09-12-2023, 05:00 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Khepri
Look at the dung beetle;
pushing his little ball of shit
in a perfect straight line
whatever obstacle or incline
might tempt him to veer.
The Milky Way his map,
his intent both simple and alien--
his godlike will
once worshipped.
Are you not more valuable than he?
*** with appropriate credit to Matthew 6:26
Really enjoyed this one, Tiger. Last line left me in delightful quandary, since reading about the dung beetle in your poem made me feel that I’m not more valuable.
(09-12-2023, 05:00 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Khepri
Look at the dung beetle; -- Loving the Biblical tie in to the Egyptian myth -- right off the bat, you have the attention of this mythology nerd
pushing his little ball of shit -- Yes. Brings the mighty scarab god down to earth, so to speak -- makes me feel close to this little guy. I'm rooting for him now.
in a perfect straight line -- As the Egyptians were master astronomers, I'm loving the space references
whatever obstacle or incline
might tempt him to veer. -- I like how this piece is reading a bit like a parable -- teaching morals, but making you think. There's more than one possible lesson to be learned.
The Milky Way his map, -- He's both grand and adorable. A relatable and approachable god, which is refreshing.
his intent both simple and alien-- -- Here, I would consider something more obviously earth-related than 'simple' to contrast with 'alien,' unless there's something I'm missing.
his godlike will -- If you really want to be edgy, you could capitalize Will. Some versions of the myth see the scarab god as representing Ra, and Ra is said to be self created by the force of his own willpower coming out of the void. Sort of an "in the beginning was the Word" kind of thing.
once worshipped. -- might be an opportunity to show worship by referencing examples of Egyptian offerings to their gods
Are you not more valuable than he? -- Wonderful ending. No easy answers here, just as with parables. As Neil Degrasse Tyson says, "Learn to love the questions."
*** with appropriate credit to Matthew 6:26
I love everything about this. I can't remember where I read it, but, because scarabs lay their eggs inside the balls of dung, and the eggs are too small to be seen when they are laid, it appears as if the baby scarabs are emerging from the dung as if they are creating themselves. Fun fact.
(09-12-2023, 05:00 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Khepri
Look at the dung beetle; -- Loving the Biblical tie in to the Egyptian myth -- right off the bat, you have the attention of this mythology nerd
pushing his little ball of shit -- Yes. Brings the mighty scarab god down to earth, so to speak -- makes me feel close to this little guy. I'm rooting for him now.
in a perfect straight line -- As the Egyptians were master astronomers, I'm loving the space references
whatever obstacle or incline
might tempt him to veer. -- I like how this piece is reading a bit like a parable -- teaching morals, but making you think. There's more than one possible lesson to be learned.
The Milky Way his map, -- He's both grand and adorable. A relatable and approachable god, which is refreshing.
his intent both simple and alien-- --
Here, I would consider something more obviously earth-related than 'simple' to contrast with 'alien,'
Wow, you nailed it! I spent and hour hating the word "simple" but couldn't find the right word. My best prospect is "earthed" at this point. Thanks for confirming that juxtaposition was incomplete! unless there's something I'm missing.
his godlike will -- If you really want to be edgy, you could capitalize Will. Some versions of the myth see the scarab god as representing Ra, and Ra is said to be self created by the force of his own willpower coming out of the void. Sort of an "in the beginning was the Word" kind of thing.
once worshipped. -- might be an opportunity to show worship by referencing examples of Egyptian offerings to their gods
Are you not more valuable than he? -- Wonderful ending. No easy answers here, just as with parables. As Neil Degrasse Tyson says, "Learn to love the questions."
*** with appropriate credit to Matthew 6:26
I love everything about this. I can't remember where I read it, but, because scarabs lay their eggs inside the balls of dung, and the eggs are too small to be seen when they are laid, it appears as if the baby scarabs are emerging from the dung as if they are creating themselves. Fun fact.
This one's a keeper.
Thanks for your insights Lizzie. Very helpful for me to stand back and look at it as a whole.
grounded
earthy
earthed simple
native
those are my inclinations so far. Pretty impressed you plucked the one word that is giving me fits.
Paul
I'm thinking that you might need to change the structure of the words around it a little bit. I like the way that earthen sounds with alien, but if you say any of the earth-ish words next to "both"...let's just say it would be hard to read this piece at open mic night. Just say "both earthed" five times in a row.
An idea would be to take the Milky Way map idea and change "intent" to something more nautical (going with the whole solar boat image). Along the Nile, the earth is silt from the annual floods. So, for instance, you could say:
The Milky Way his map, navigating silt and star
I does occur to me that there's no verb in the second stanza, so the replacement for "simple" may hinge on what action you choose.
(09-13-2023, 12:52 PM)Lizzie Wrote: I'm thinking that you might need to change the structure of the words around it a little bit. I like the way that earthen sounds with alien, but if you say any of the earth-ish words next to "both"...let's just say it would be hard to read this piece at open mic night. Just say "both earthed" five times in a row.
An idea would be to take the Milky Way map idea and change "intent" to something more nautical (going with the whole solar boat image). Along the Nile, the earth is silt from the annual floods. So, for instance, you could say:
The Milky Way his map, navigating silt and star
I does occur to me that there's no verb in the second stanza, so the replacement for "simple" may hinge on what action you choose.
because scarabs lay their eggs inside the balls of dung, and the eggs are too small to be seen when they are laid, it appears as if the baby scarabs are emerging from the dung as if they are creating themselves.
This is more or less what I was trying to explore in the line in question. "Simple" referring to a bit of dinner, "alien" referring to the unusual birthing. It's a lot to cram into one line, but I'm going to keep trying. If the damn beetle can multitask, then so can I.
(09-14-2023, 03:17 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: because scarabs lay their eggs inside the balls of dung, and the eggs are too small to be seen when they are laid, it appears as if the baby scarabs are emerging from the dung as if they are creating themselves.
This is more or less what I was trying to explore in the line in question. "Simple" referring to a bit of dinner, "alien" referring to the unusual birthing. It's a lot to cram into one line, but I'm going to keep trying. If the damn beetle can multitask, then so can I.
In this case, I think you can do "his intent is earth(y-en-ed) and alien" -- I like the sounds. You could also do "yet" instead of "and." Although the being verb isn't particularly noteworthy, it would allow you to use the other words that you wanted and also complete the sentence structure. I just think that "both" is not helping you out from an acoustic perspective, and it's not strictly necessary for readers to have that specific word to understand that it's a contrast you're introducing.
I woke up the other day imagining giant beetles rolling the milky way stars in their spiral orbits. One beetle to each star. My brain is obviously taking creative liberties, but the scarab isn't a creator god for nothing. There's a reason the myth has survived.
Also, my kids really like this poem. It has a broader appeal beyond a niche poetry forum. This would be a fun character for a children's book if you were ever so inclined. There's a market for accessible educational materials.
pushing his little ball of shit
in a perfect straight line
whatever obstacle or incline
might tempt him to veer.
The Milky Way his map, (I know it’s deliberate but the imperfect sentence structure jars here. Can you end the earlier quatrain in a comma or semi-colon? An alternative, which I think I would prefer, is the addition of another action, albeit more subtle perhaps than pushing the ball. Someone suggested navigating… If you don’t want to go down that route, you could strengthen the poem first and see if it holds.)
his intent both simple and alien--
his godlike will
once worshipped. (Could you not have more fun with this line? It needs to reach the quality of the first half of the poem.)
Are you not more valuable than he? (I would end at valuable. The line is still a rip-off even with the extra two words so I would just make the line as strong as possible. I also like the idea of “Are you not more valuable than any dung beetle?” but I ramble in my poems.) This is a good subject for a poem. It’s interesting and fun, and the first half more than shows you have the quality to pull off a short.
Should I criticize an opinion expressed in a poem? I'm of the opinion that criticizing an
intentional opinion expressed in a poem isn't a valid criticism, but that asking whether
an author intended to express a specific opinion might be helpful in case the author
didn't intend it or that it was ambiguous and maybe he didn't intend it to be.
From your poem: "Are you not more valuable than he?"
I'm assuming you meant this line ironically and the opinion was intentional, but because
of the above reasons, I wanted to call your attention to it.
Also the meaning, association, and ambiguity of "valuable" might be something you want
to look at. The biblical quotes intend this to mean "valuable to God" which might or might
not be an implication you intended to make.
P.S. These beetles are dying out around cities because the light pollution from the cities
keeps them from seeing the Milky Way so they end up starving to death.
P.P.S. Just for the record: I'm of the opinion that no form of life is inherently any better
or worse than any other. I'm also of the opinion that humans, due chiefly to their hubris,
aren't doing themselves and most other lifeforms any favors at the moment.
Criticism pertaining to Matthew 6:26:
(While this is more a criticism of the factual accuracy of Matthew 6:26 than of your poem;
the poem, by referencing those lines (IMHO), does get drawn in.
Matthew 6:26
Living Bible (version):
26 Look at the birds! They don’t worry about what to eat—they don’t need to sow or reap or
store up food—for your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than
they are.
King James Version:
26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns;
yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
=======
While I can't answer for the birds directly, I bet you dollars to donuts that they worry a whole
hell of a lot about food. And I know from personal observation that the chickadees outside my
house in Virginia took whole sunflower seeds from my feeder and hid them under the bark of
trees and came back and ate them later. Though, I must admit, I have no evidence either way
that the heavenly father didn't teach them how to do this.
I also observed that while lots of other bird species migrated south for the winter, the
chickadees, nuthatches and crows stayed. Probably because they had enough food during
the winter where the other birds didn't.
P.S. I found this on the web about birds caching food if you're interested:
"Yes, some birds do store food for the winter. This behavior is known as "caching".
Here are a few examples of birds that engage in this behavior:
1. Chickadees: These birds may hide hundreds, or even thousands, of seeds every year.
2. Nuthatches: Similar to chickadees, nuthatches also store food for the winter.
3. Woodpeckers: Some species of woodpeckers are known to cache food.
4. Jays: Jays, including blue jays, are known for their caching behavior.
5. Crows: Crows are another bird species that store food for the winter.
These birds may make up to 200 different storage places, burying food in the crevices of
tree bark and hollow limbs or under leaves. They leave no marks to identify these
storage places but they are able to return to find the food up to 6 months after leaving."
Tiger, I didn't see your piece as an attempt at commentary on the passage in Matthew, more as using the parable structure to create an object lesson of your own. Jesus of Nazareth was not the first teacher to use parables, and he certainly wasn't the last. And honestly, if you say to someone, "consider this thing for a while," there's many 'lessons' to be learned or themes that could be explored. You could even be totally nonsensical about it and say, "Look at this corvette, how it burrows under the soil, how it swims through the sea, then turns into a dove." You wouldn't have many disciples, but, theoretically, you can use the parable structure to invite thought about anything and proceed to draw any conclusion.
Broadly, that passage in Matthew illustrates how Jesus was teaching his disciples to focus less on the visible world and more on immaterial things. It makes sense and it doesn't since you can't spread the gospel after you're dead (and lack of food does that to a person). But, Egyptian mythology often makes sense while it doesn't. I saw you taking the form and applying it to a different worldview deliberately. It also occurred to me that you were attempting to highlight the overlap between Egyptian belief and Judeo-Christian beliefs, since the Jewish people literally came out of Egypt after a period of captivity.
Perhaps you would do yourself a favor to stop giving credit to Matthew, unless you are wanting to draw parallels between ancient Egyptian worldview and Middle Eastern worldviews at the time of the Roman Empire. Everybody was pillaging from everybody intellectually at the time, and there's a plethora of such overlaps to be explored.
In conclusion, I took the piece to be the beginning of a lesson in which the reader is invited to explore and find their own answers. However, if you intended for a specific message to be heard, you're going to want to make that more clear.
(09-12-2023, 05:00 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Khepri
Look at the dung beetle;
pushing his little ball of shit
in a perfect straight line
whatever obstacle or incline
might tempt him to veer.
The Milky Way his map,
his intent both simple and alien--
his godlike will
once worshipped.
Are you not more valuable than he?
*** with appropriate credit to Matthew 6:26
Others have made such erudite observations. I can only hang onto those coat-tails. But I'm absolutely impressed by the threads of allusions you've woven into such an exquisite, tiny tapestry. Wonderful imagery throughout. For some reason, I keep going back to 'The Milky Way his map/his intent both simple and alien--'. These lines have - for me - such a poignancy about them. And in fact, your own crafting of the poem mirrors the action and intent of the dung beetle. The extreme juxtaposition of the tiny beetle and its 'little ball of of shit' with the immensity of the Milky Way is also an image that resonates strongly with me. The last line of the poem of course adds an extra, thoughtful dimension, but for me, the poem works well even without it.
(09-12-2023, 05:00 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Khepri
Look at the dung beetle;
pushing his little ball of shit
in a perfect straight line
whatever obstacle or incline
might tempt him to veer.
The Milky Way his map,
his intent both simple and alien--
his godlike will
once worshipped.
Are you not more valuable than he?
*** with appropriate credit to Matthew 6:26
Hey Tiger,this is lovely to read - it is light, but full. I like how both answers to the final question are positive.
If you aren't more valuable than the beetle - isn't the world lovely?
If you are - push your far larger ball of dung up your own hill, then smile.
The only crit I have is that 'once worshipped' is, to me, the weakest line in the poem. It works fine - but I think it doesn't really add to 'godlike' in the previous line and could maybe be said in a stronger way. i.e 'revered in papyrus' or something like that.
But am I ?At least he has a map and nature is far wiser than I.
I think I like Khepri can also be seen as a worm, which for me is more appealing, but then again I've never found Egyptian mythology tat appealing. Of course human's are shit both ways, so that is satisfying. Shouldn't "perfect" be "perfectly"? Of course I've had several glasses.
best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
(09-12-2023, 05:00 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Khepri
Look at the dung beetle;
pushing his little ball of shit
in a perfect straight line
whatever obstacle or incline
might tempt him to veer.
The Milky Way his map,
his intent both simple and alien--
his godlike will
once worshipped.
Are you not more valuable than he?
*** with appropriate credit to Matthew 6:26
This is great, it takes a unique perspective by using the image of a dung beetle to convey deeper reflections. The use of the dung beetle as a metaphor is striking, drawing parallels between its seemingly mundane task and the grandeur of the Milky Way. It invites readers to contemplate the simplicity and purpose in the beetle’s actions, and the connection to the Milky Way adds depth, tying the beetle’s existence to cosmic elements.
The reference to the beetle’s godlike will suggests a philosophical angle, prompting readers to question the nature of value and divine intent, and thhe direct question at the end engages the reader, challenging them to reflect on their own worth in comparison to the beetle. This brings a personal touch to the poem and encourages introspection. The brevity of the poem is wonderful and contributes to its impact. Each line serves a purpose, and the poem maintains focus on the metaphorical exploration without unnecessary embellishments.
Overall, it brilliantly uses metaphor and symbolism to prompt contemplation on the simplicity and cosmic significance of seemingly small actions, leaving readers with a thought-provoking question.
(09-12-2023, 05:00 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Khepri
Look at the dung beetle;
pushing his little ball of shit
in a perfect straight line
whatever obstacle or incline
might tempt him to veer.
The Milky Way his map,
his intent both simple and alien--
his godlike will
once worshipped.
Are you not more valuable than he?
*** with appropriate credit to Matthew 6:26
This is great, it takes a unique perspective by using the image of a dung beetle to convey deeper reflections. The use of the dung beetle as a metaphor is striking, drawing parallels between its seemingly mundane task and the grandeur of the Milky Way. It invites readers to contemplate the simplicity and purpose in the beetle’s actions, and the connection to the Milky Way adds depth, tying the beetle’s existence to cosmic elements.
The reference to the beetle’s godlike will suggests a philosophical angle, prompting readers to question the nature of value and divine intent, and thhe direct question at the end engages the reader, challenging them to reflect on their own worth in comparison to the beetle. This brings a personal touch to the poem and encourages introspection. The brevity of the poem is wonderful and contributes to its impact. Each line serves a purpose, and the poem maintains focus on the metaphorical exploration without unnecessary embellishments.
Overall, it brilliantly uses metaphor and symbolism to prompt contemplation on the simplicity and cosmic significance of seemingly small actions, leaving readers with a thought-provoking question.
Thank you so much, Pike. It's been really cool watching you seamlessly jump into LPiA mid-month. Remember, you are always welcome to visit previous prompts. I'm always playing catch up. Welcome to the site.
Paul
But I'm absolutely impressed by the threads of allusions you've woven into such an exquisite, tiny tapestry. Wonderful imagery throughout. For some reason, I keep going back to 'The Milky Way his map/his intent both simple and alien--'. These lines have - for me - such a poignancy about them. And in fact, your own crafting of the poem mirrors the action and intent of the dung beetle. The extreme juxtaposition of the tiny beetle and its 'little ball of of shit' with the immensity of the Milky Way is also an image that resonates strongly with me. The last line of the poem of course adds an extra, thoughtful dimension, but for me, the poem works well even without it.
