Peonies explode
in slow-motion on green stems-
fireworks bursting white.

(05-11-2023, 12:00 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  Peonies rising
upon green stems, slow-motion
fireworks bursting white.

I'd suggest a different title.  This poem is like one of those stop-motion films.  If there was a way to format it differently to maximize that:

Peonies rise
upon green stems
slow-motion
fireworks
bursting white.

Something like that.  Or spread out the lines more.

Anyways, enjoyed studying it.

(05-11-2023, 01:10 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  

(05-11-2023, 12:00 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  Peonies rising
upon green stems, slow-motion
fireworks bursting white.

I'd suggest a different title.  This poem is like one of those stop-motion films.  If there was a way to format it differently to maximize that:

Peonies rise
upon green stems
slow-motion
fireworks
bursting white.

Something like that.  Or spread out the lines more.

Anyways, enjoyed studying it.

Hello again.  Well, it's supposed to be a haiku and I've been told they don't usually have titles so I just put in something.  I could do a form poem with the lines rising from left to right like fireworks.  I redid the middle line.
bryn

(05-11-2023, 12:00 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  Peonies rising
in slow-motion on green stems-
fireworks bursting white.

Makes all the difference.  I thought it was a haiku, and I've heard they shouldn't have a title.  So I'll forget the title.

It's a good 'un.

Hi Steve-
I’m a sucker for short poems, and like this one enough to offer one word change:
‘explode’ for ‘rising’

Might give this one more bang for the buck.
Mark

(05-17-2023, 04:33 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Hi Steve-
I’m a sucker for short poems, and like this one enough to offer one word change:
‘explode’ for ‘rising’

Might give this one more bang for the buck.
Mark

Thanks Mark.  Good suggestion.  I'm leaning back to the original version, especially with you change.  It seems to read better.

(05-11-2023, 12:00 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  Peonies explode
in slow-motion on green stems-
fireworks bursting white.

Peonies rising
upon green stems, slow-motion
fireworks bursting white.

I think the ‘on green stems’ lengthens L2, taking away the punch from L3
Also, green and white are not contrasting colours, and the green distracts. There’s too much going on.
Removing the ‘on green stems’ would serve to improve  IMO

---

Ah. Now I see.
The ‘green stems’ in the original, with the ‘rising’ bit, made sense

Why not

Peonies rising
slow motion on green stems
Etc

(05-17-2023, 09:01 AM)busker Wrote:  

(05-11-2023, 12:00 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  Peonies explode
in slow-motion on green stems-
fireworks bursting white.

Peonies rising
upon green stems, slow-motion
fireworks bursting white.

I think the ‘on green stems’ lengthens L2, taking away the punch from L3

yes, that was my concern, seemed too wordy for a haiku.