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He came
not with a knock
but a seep
under jamb and sill.
A draft, a hunger
a winter’s night chill.
A quiet, a creep
a mere mouse
a shadow nibbling
within the body
of your house.
Almost heard
the faint gnawing
the chomping, the clawing
pantry through cupboard.
We didn’t know
until dust,
meager crumbs
and brittle bones.
Only your laugh remained
caught in his throat.
Posts: 241
Threads: 127
Joined: Feb 2022
(03-03-2023, 01:50 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote: He came
not with a knock I'm not sure if this play on words is worthy of keeping. You could do without it.
but a seep
under sill and jam.
A draft, a hunger
a winter’s night chill.
A quiet, a creep
a mere mouse nibbling Get rid of mere, creep works much better.
through your house.
Only heard You could work in inaudible here.
a feint gnawing
a tunneling, a chomping a grinding? a clawing?
pantry to cupboard.
We didn’t know
until dust,
meager crumbs
and brittle bones. Favorite stanza. Good stuff.
Only your laugh remained
caught in his throat. Not sure about this last line
You should cut down on your use of the word only. I think it is a cheap substitute.
An effective piece, the title seems too generic for it.
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(03-03-2023, 01:50 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote: He came
not with a knock
but a seep
under sill and jam.
A draft, a hunger
a winter’s night chill.
A quiet, a creep
a mere mouse nibbling
through your house.
Only heard
a feint gnawing
a tunneling, a chomping
pantry to cupboard.
We didn’t know
until dust,
meager crumbs
and brittle bones.
Only your laugh remained
caught in his throat.
First things first - the homonyms. "[J]am" for jamb and "feint" for faint. Either would almost make sense as they are, so within the realm of poetic license - "jam" as the lure, "feint" as misdirection by audible gnawing. But just in case, there, to be mended if desired.
The outer story is clear enough - the small intruder, the clues, the caught breath on finding the remains. The inner story, analogy to Death as the little creeping thing that steals away laughter with life, is there for me. Nicely done. In the first instance, speaking of "you" and "your" is fine; in the other, it turns mournful.
In my experience with house mice, once they're dead you tend to nose them out rather then simply find them unexpectedly. Not sure how that figures in suspending my disbelief in the story - bones would say long time gone - or how it could be included in the poem (somewhere around "dust," I suppose). Or if it should be (probably not).
Line structure is effective, discontinuities as thoughts wander or, perhaps, someone gasps his last. Someone small, or a friend.
 Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 210
Threads: 32
Joined: May 2022
(03-04-2023, 01:05 AM)Semicircle Wrote: (03-03-2023, 01:50 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote: He came
not with a knock I'm not sure if this play on words is worthy of keeping. You could do without it.
but a seep
under sill and jam.
A draft, a hunger
a winter’s night chill.
A quiet, a creep
a mere mouse nibbling Get rid of mere, creep works much better.
through your house.
Only heard You could work in inaudible here.
a feint gnawing
a tunneling, a chomping a grinding? a clawing?
pantry to cupboard.
We didn’t know
until dust,
meager crumbs
and brittle bones. Favorite stanza. Good stuff.
Only your laugh remained
caught in his throat. Not sure about this last line
You should cut down on your use of the word only. I think it is a cheap substitute.
An effective piece, the title seems too generic for it. HI SC,
Good to hear from you. Thanks for your comments. I will adjust the 'only's' with some thought. The second line is really meant to imply 'uninvited' and the word play a fortunate accident. I like your suggestions for S3, especially clawing to work against gnawing. I am terrible at titles so if you have a suggestion...
Thanks,
Bryn
(03-04-2023, 04:52 AM)dukealien Wrote: (03-03-2023, 01:50 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote: He came
not with a knock
but a seep
under sill and jam.
A draft, a hunger
a winter’s night chill.
A quiet, a creep
a mere mouse nibbling
through your house.
Only heard
a feint gnawing
a tunneling, a chomping
pantry to cupboard.
We didn’t know
until dust,
meager crumbs
and brittle bones.
Only your laugh remained
caught in his throat.
First things first - the homonyms. "[J]am" for jamb and "feint" for faint. Either would almost make sense as they are, so within the realm of poetic license - "jam" as the lure, "feint" as misdirection by audible gnawing. But just in case, there, to be mended if desired.
The outer story is clear enough - the small intruder, the clues, the caught breath on finding the remains. The inner story, analogy to Death as the little creeping thing that steals away laughter with life, is there for me. Nicely done. In the first instance, speaking of "you" and "your" is fine; in the other, it turns mournful.
In my experience with house mice, once they're dead you tend to nose them out rather then simply find them unexpectedly. Not sure how that figures in suspending my disbelief in the story - bones would say long time gone - or how it could be included in the poem (somewhere around "dust," I suppose). Or if it should be (probably not).
Line structure is effective, discontinuities as thoughts wander or, perhaps, someone gasps his last. Someone small, or a friend. Hi Duke,
Thank you for your detailed comments, appreciated. First things first - total brain fart on my part regarding the homonyms. Embarrassed I missed that. It's what I get for working and posting late. Although, this one has been sitting pretty much as is for months in the rumination zone. Mostly because there is an inner-inner story that I have been wanting to work in but haven't been able to find the right inspiration. I am glad you got the inner story but I think the mouse metaphor might throw people a bit. I will have to think about how to work in some subtle clues.
Thanks again,
Bryn
Posts: 524
Threads: 106
Joined: Jun 2015
Hey Steve-
Changing the title to “Quiet as a Mouse” and using mouse as a metaphor for Death could really work well. I honestly thought that was where you going with this one, but the title would have been a dead give-away.
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Joined: May 2022
(03-04-2023, 10:08 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hey Steve-
Changing the title to “Quiet as a Mouse” and using mouse as a metaphor for Death could really work well. I honestly thought that was where you going with this one, but the title would have been a dead give-away.
Hi Mark,
I like the title suggestion but I am not quite sure what you mean by the last bit of your comment. Though I like the 'dead' reference. 
Posts: 524
Threads: 106
Joined: Jun 2015
(03-04-2023, 10:29 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: (03-04-2023, 10:08 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hey Steve-
Changing the title to “Quiet as a Mouse” and using mouse as a metaphor for Death could really work well. I honestly thought that was where you going with this one, but the title would have been a dead give-away.
Hi Mark,
I like the title suggestion but I am not quite sure what you mean by the last bit of your comment. Though I like the 'dead' reference.
The title “Death’s Door” would be a ‘dead give-away’ if the poem used the mouse/death metaphor. Just a goofy pun comment of mine.
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(03-04-2023, 11:01 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: (03-04-2023, 10:29 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: (03-04-2023, 10:08 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hey Steve-
Changing the title to “Quiet as a Mouse” and using mouse as a metaphor for Death could really work well. I honestly thought that was where you going with this one, but the title would have been a dead give-away.
Hi Mark,
I like the title suggestion but I am not quite sure what you mean by the last bit of your comment. Though I like the 'dead' reference.
The title “Death’s Door” would be a ‘dead give-away’ if the poem used the mouse/death metaphor. Just a goofy pun comment of mine.
Ha! What i figured but I thought I would make sure.
Made some other edits, too.
Posts: 441
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Just a quickie comment...I like your formatting, both here and in other stuff I've read by you.
Posts: 524
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Joined: Jun 2015
Hi Steve-
I like the new title and use of a rustling mouse as a metaphor for death.
Some in-line comments:
(03-03-2023, 01:50 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote: He came 'He', now that I know, is the mouse/death meatphor.
not with a knock
but a seep
under jamb and sill.
A draft, a hunger
a winter’s night chill. really like this opening
A quiet, a creep
a mere mouse
a shadow nibbling
within the body
of your house. sustaining the metaphor well
Almost heard
the faint gnawing
the chomping, the clawing
pantry through cupboard. This line doesn't work, for me, at least.
We didn’t know
until dust,
meager crumbs
and brittle bones. Another way to describe the discovery would work better. Or just cut these liness.
Only your laugh remained maybe 'last breath' ?? Something other than 'laugh'.
caught in his throat.
Maybe flip the last two lines:
"caught in his throat,
only..."
The poem could look something like this (not a word changed, just some cut out):
Quiet as a Mouse
He came
not with a knock
but a seep
under jamb and sill.
A draft, a hunger
a winter’s night chill.
A quiet, a creep
a mere mouse
a shadow nibbling
within the body
of your house.
Almost heard
the faint gnawing,
the chomping, the clawing.
Caught in his throat
only your laugh remained.
Posts: 210
Threads: 32
Joined: May 2022
(03-07-2023, 06:54 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hi Steve-
I like the new title and use of a rustling mouse as a metaphor for death.
Some in-line comments:
(03-03-2023, 01:50 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote: He came 'He', now that I know, is the mouse/death meatphor.
not with a knock
but a seep
under jamb and sill.
A draft, a hunger
a winter’s night chill. really like this opening
A quiet, a creep
a mere mouse
a shadow nibbling
within the body
of your house. sustaining the metaphor well
Almost heard
the faint gnawing
the chomping, the clawing
pantry through cupboard. This line doesn't work, for me, at least. This could go. Pushing to metaphor to a more specific place, metaphorically speaking!
We didn’t know
until dust,
meager crumbs
and brittle bones. This stanza is the turn from the mouse/death metaphor to what the poem is really about while trying to stay within the context of the metaphor.
Only your laugh remained maybe 'last breath' ?? Something other than 'laugh'. Laugh it is cause it's the laugh, sense of humor, that didn't go until the end.
caught in his throat.
Maybe flip the last two lines:
"caught in his throat,
only..."
The poem could look something like this (not a word changed, just some cut out):
Quiet as a Mouse
He came
not with a knock
but a seep
under jamb and sill.
A draft, a hunger
a winter’s night chill.
A quiet, a creep
a mere mouse
a shadow nibbling
within the body
of your house.
Almost heard
the faint gnawing,
the chomping, the clawing.
Caught in his throat
only your laugh remained. Hi Mark,
Thank you for the title suggestion. I think it does open up the poem nicely. And thanks for your detailed comments. I posted some responses above. One issue that seems to be an issue is my transitioning away from the mouse metaphor at the end. I will have to think about how to address that. I also will have to think about your suggestion for the last stanza, not sure it gives the emphasis I intend. To make things even more interesting, there is a whole other level i have been wanting to work in eventually, ie maybe the mouse wasn't so uninvited! The plot thickens...
Thanks,
steve
Posts: 241
Threads: 127
Joined: Feb 2022
Hi Brynmar
The poem seems to have more of a persistence than before. It builds up in small increments like I imagine was what you intended. The edits you've made have made that much clearer.
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(03-03-2023, 01:50 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote: He came
not with a knock
but a seep
under jamb and sill.
A draft, a hunger
a winter’s night chill.
A quiet, a creep
a mere mouse
a shadow nibbling
within the body
of your house.
Almost heard
the faint gnawing
the chomping, the clawing
pantry through cupboard.
We didn’t know
until dust,
meager crumbs
and brittle bones.
Only your laugh remained
caught in his throat.
Coming in late on this one just to say
I read your concern about the penultimate stanza. Yes, it's a bit foggy, but the last line lends itself to many interpretations, and I'd hate to see that aspect lessened by making the transition more transparent or explicit. If that makes any sense.
TqB
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