Origin of Spice

[71degrees]

Something primitive,
necessary, about eating
chilli pepper

jalapeños, Serranos
touching tongues,
other parts—

makes you want to tear
clothes, run naked through
rows-and-rows of October corn

[Mark A Becker]

Hi degrees-
Spicy little piece.  Some in-line comments, below:

Origin of Spice  hmm?? This title ain't working for me.  Maybe something like 'Discovering Fire'  ??

Something primitive,
almost necessary, about eating  maybe 'almost nesessary'  ??  My being a spice wuss led me to that suggestion.
chilli pepper

jalapeños, Serranos
touching tongues,
other parts—  a bit too vague for my taste (sorry for that punishment). I just think that mentioning another body part/parts would make things even more interesting. Maybe something about lips would work: 'singeing tongues' 'burning lips'- phrases that "activate" that desire to tear off, to run wild.

makes you want to tear off    'tear off' could give a double meaning to 'tear' ('tear off/run off' since the running part immediately follows the tearing part)
clothes, run naked through
rows-and-rows of October corn

This one seems pretty well seasoned, so I'm not sure what crtique/guidance you're seeking, other than, perhaps, the title.

Thanks for posting it,
Mark

[71degrees]

"I'm not sure what critique/guidance you're seeking, other than, perhaps, the title"

I post to see what folks have to say. Not looking for anything particular. Thanks for the thoughts / suggestions.

Some suggestions make sense. Others not. But I appreciate every one of them. When you said, 'Spicy little piece" right from the shotgun, I knew I was on the right track.

[busker]

Something primitive,
necessary, about eating
chilli pepper

jalapeños, Serranos
touching tongues,
other parts—

makes you want to tear
clothes, run naked through
rows-and-rows of October corn

The central thesis of the poem i.e. the thing that goads you into trying something uncomfortable like eating a hot pepper is similar to that which makes you run naked, doesn't convince me. Sure, both can be described as 'primitive' desires to do something mildly adventurous and daring, but the activities and sensations are too dissimilar for the juxtaposition to work.

S3 in isolation reads well, particularly the endling line.

[71degrees]

Thanks for your thoughts, Busker.

Just to enhance the image a bit for one who has never done it, running naked through the sharp blades of October corn (right before harvest) reaches beyond the mere 'uncomfortable' level. The razor cuts burn more than the jalapeños sliding into one's gullet.

I'm too old now for such foolishness now but trust me, it's true.

[brynmawr1]

Something primitive,
necessary, about eating
chilli pepper

jalapeños, Serranos
touching tongues,
other parts—

makes you want to tear
clothes, run naked through
rows-and-rows of October corn

Hi 71,

What I get from you nice poem is that part of life, living, compels us to do things that are against our best interests, like eat things that make our mouths burn and our eyes water or run naked through slashing corn.  Where is breaks down, for me a bit, is 'makes' which suggests a causation that might be harder to justify and not necessary for what I see as the underlying theme, as they are really two sides of the same coin.  I agree, 'other parts' is too vague and I like Mark's suggestion to use other body parts, eg burning lips or parted lips...etc.  For the title maybe "Spice of Life" (cliche) but you get the idea.
I enjoyed the poem as written.  Just some thoughts.
take care,
bryn

[Mark A Becker]

I post to see what folks have to say. Not looking for anything particular.  Thanks for the thoughts / suggestions.

Some suggestions make sense. Others not.

Hello again, degrees,
Since the MILD forum is a workshop area I offer critique on poems posted here.  (If I have a poem for which I only seek general comments I post it in the MISC forum.)

That said, I'll try to clarify my comments:

Something primitive,
necessary, about eating
chilli pepper

jalapeños, Serranos
touching tongues,
other parts—

Something primitive  If I repeat this line here (only to illustrate), I can tie the two ideas together. That makes the precise placement of 'makes' important to this piece.
makes you want to tear
clothes, run naked through
rows-and-rows of October corn

I suggested 'tear off' since it reinforces 'run wild': as in tear off clothes, or tear off running.

I still think that 'other parts' is not doing enough work ahead of the critical turn to S.3.

What this poem says to me: There is a primitive 'need' (desire ?) to inflict pain upon one's self, described here as either eating spicy things, or runnning naked through corn fields. Whether or not I agree with that is beside the point- our primal urges can play out in peculiar ways. Many of our needs, such as eating and sex, are expressed by behaviors related to those needs.

Short poems can be the most difficult, and I believe that you are getting very close with this one.
Mark

[71degrees]

Something primitive,
necessary, about eating
chilli pepper

jalapeños, Serranos
touching tongues,
other parts—

makes you want to tear
clothes, run naked through
rows-and-rows of October corn

Hi 71,

What I get from you nice poem is that part of life, living, compels us to do things that are against our best interests, like eat things that make our mouths burn and our eyes water or run naked through slashing corn.  Where is breaks down, for me a bit, is 'makes' which suggests a causation that might be harder to justify and not necessary for what I see as the underlying theme, as they are really two sides of the same coin.  I agree, 'other parts' is too vague and I like Mark's suggestion to use other body parts, eg burning lips or parted lips...etc.  For the title maybe "Spice of Life" (cliche) but you get the idea.
I enjoyed the poem as written.  Just some thoughts.
take care,
bryn

Your point about 'makes' is well taken, brynmawr. Thank you.

---

I post to see what folks have to say. Not looking for anything particular.  Thanks for the thoughts / suggestions.

Some suggestions make sense. Others not.

Hello again, degrees,
Since the MILD forum is a workshop area I offer critique on poems posted here.  (If I have a poem for which I only seek general comments I post it in the MISC forum.)

That said, I'll try to clarify my comments:

Something primitive,
necessary, about eating
chilli pepper

jalapeños, Serranos
touching tongues,
other parts—

Something primitive  If I repeat this line here (only to illustrate), I can tie the two ideas together. That makes the precise placement of 'makes' important to this piece.
makes you want to tear
clothes, run naked through
rows-and-rows of October corn

I suggested 'tear off' since it reinforces 'run wild': as in tear off clothes, or tear off running.

I still think that 'other parts' is not doing enough work ahead of the critical turn to S.3.

What this poem says to me: There is a primitive 'need' (desire ?) to inflict pain upon one's self, described here as either eating spicy things, or runnning naked through corn fields. Whether or not I agree with that is beside the point- our primal urges can play out in peculiar ways. Many of our needs, such as eating and sex, are expressed by behaviors related to those needs.

Short poems can be the most difficult, and I believe that you are getting very close with this one.
Mark

Thanks for clarifying thoughts, Mark. Your interpretation is welcome in what it is saying to you.