Under the dreaming eyes (Edit 1.0)
#1
Under the dreaming eyes (Edit 1.0)

Under the dreaming eyes 
of my love, I slept 
away the days and months, tomorrows
that went with a whisper.
Her familiar scent
and hair flung in a fairy circle 
on my face -
these and more, I miss today
on the purple hill, its sad sun’s rays 
dying into darkness. Wherever you are,
my love, I pray it is light.



Original
Under the dreamy eyes 
of my love, I slept 
away the days and months, tomorrows
that went in a whisper.
Her familiar smell
and hair fringing a fairy circle 
on my face -
these and more, I miss today
on the purple hill, its sad sun’s rays 
dying into darkness. Wherever you are,
my love, I pray it is light.
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#2
(09-16-2021, 03:36 AM)busker Wrote:  Under the dreamy eyes 

Under the dreamy eyes   maybe "dreaming eyes"; I know it changes the meaning quite a bit, but dreamy....maybe too predictable
of my love, I slept 
away the days and months, tomorrows
that went in a whisper.
Her familiar smell
and hair fringing a fairy circle       this line break doesn't seem necessary
on my face -                                
these and more, I miss today     would like to hear more about her, rather than just "more"
on the purple hill, its sad sun’s rays    may be first time I've seen the word purple in a poem and liked it  Wink great contrast with sun
dying into darkness. Wherever you are,
my love, I pray it is light.

Pig Pen needs more love poems.  Thanks for this one.
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#3
(09-16-2021, 03:36 AM)busker Wrote:  Under the dreamy eyes 

Under the dreamy eyes could this line be struck in favor of letting the title lead into L2? (might be more a stylistic choice than an improvement)
of my love, I slept 
away the days and months, tomorrows
that went in a whisper. perhaps "with" for "in" - not sure, but you might be asking whisper to demarcate time passage?
Her familiar smell
and hair fringing a fairy circle 
on my face -
these and more, I miss today some combination of "here" or "now" might feel more immediate than today
on the purple hill, its sad sun’s rays 
dying into darkness. Wherever you are,
my love, I pray it is light. this last bit is really good and deserves its purple.
Quite enjoyed this, Busker. And I agree we need more Love Poems. When I first came to the Pen I was cautioned that there was little room left for originality in love poetry. I disagree. It just takes a little more courting.
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#4
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Hi Busker,
following with a thumbs up in the footsteps of TqB and Tiger.

Agree about having the first line come out of the title, or that you need a new title.

Not sure about 'today' (perhaps it's the enjambment, would

these and more, I miss
today on the purple hill
its sad sun's rays ... ............'its'? Why not 'the sad sun's ...'?
work?)

Her familiar smell
and hair fringing a fairy circle ................ smell and hair fringing? Not sure about this


Under the dreamy eyes of my love,
I slept the days and months away
tomorrows that went by in a whisper.
Her hair and familiar scent fringing
a fairy circle on my face -
these and more, I miss
a sad sun’s rays on the purple hill today
dying into darkness. my love,
Wherever you are, I pray for light.



Bet, Knot


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#5
(09-16-2021, 03:36 AM)busker Wrote:  Under the dreaming eyes (Edit 1.0)

Under the dreaming eyes 
of my love, I slept 
away the days and months, tomorrows
that went with a whisper. 
Her familiar scent
and hair flung in a fairy circle 
on my face - I like how this gives a feeling that love is momentary but no matter how momentary, it still leaves a lasting memory.
these and more, I miss today
on the purple hill, its sad sun’s rays 
dying into darkness. Wherever you are,
my love, I pray it is light. This line makes me want to cry and is kind of how I'm feeling at the moment, as one who is missing the one that they love. 



Original
Under the dreamy eyes 
of my love, I slept 
away the days and months, tomorrows
that went in a whisper.
Her familiar smell
and hair fringing a fairy circle 
on my face -
these and more, I miss today
on the purple hill, its sad sun’s rays 
dying into darkness. Wherever you are,
my love, I pray it is light.

I personally wouldn't change anything.
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#6
Thanks, Tiger, TqB, Knot, Isaw.
TqB - 'dreaming' is an improvement. Have made the change. Thanks. Also changed the 'fringing' line to what it was originally.
Tiger - 'with' is a good substitution. Have made the change.
Knot - 'the' is better than 'its', but just gone with the latter to avoid the repetition. I actually wasn't sure about 'smell'. I didn't like it, but 'scent' doesn't sound as nice, sonically. So I've left it in as it is.
Isaw - thanks for reading and commenting.
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#7
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Hi Busker,
doesn't 'dreaming' make it seem like N's love is thinking about something/someone else? Or is that the point?

maybe 'a' for 'its' (L9)?

(Just thought went/scent worked nicely, but each to their own Smile )

Not sure about the conjunction that starts L5, could you stand a repeat of 'her' instead?

Best, Knot


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