The One That Got Away
#1
.
The One That Got Away


In the night came a knocking, a knocking quite late
and loud. Then a knocking once more.
And you'd think that someone would investigate
but someone continued to snore.

Again with the knocking, three times they have knocked.
The shutters were flung open wide
and someone, somewhere in the night up above
leant out of a window and cried:

"Who, who. Who is there? Who knocks in the night?
Who summons me, thus, from my bed?
Are you here to cause harm? Must I sound the alarm?
Is your motive one of bloodshed?"

In the flamelight of torches a knocker stepped forth
drew breath, then croaked like a toad:
"Good evening, good Lady, good Lord, no, no, no.
No harm. We have been on this road

for such a long time, yet were just passing by
(my colleague here said this was you.)
So, of course we must stop, come and pay our respects
what else could we possibly do?"

And the rabble they babbled like a murmur of crows
each banging their sprong on the ground
in a show of assent, yes that's what we meant, see
our trespass we would not compound.

"Your Worship, your Wisdom," the knocker continued
"forgive this intrusion. I ask"
Oh, ask is it now? With your torch and your sprong
"for aid with our arduous task.

I'm sure you'll have heard of the onus upon us
a Duty none here would gainsay.
It is our Noble Charge to Hunt that still at large
The One That Has Gotten Away."

"It's a Quest, not a Hunt!"
                                           "It's a Search!"
                                                                   "It's a pain."
Came bursting like gas from a bog.
Ignoring the mob the knocker persisted:
"Your Highness, it has been a slog

and I make no excuses, but well, the truth is
we're falling behind every day.
And I fear getting lost" in more ways than one
"while The One is getting away."

"Alas" said the Seer "I cannot interfere
for this is the fate you all chose.
Although one could say it was Fate brought you here
and what that might mean, who knows?"

With a clatter and clack board and battens snapped back
the Maven (and window) vanished.
"Now look what you've done!"
                                                  "It has all gone wrong!"
                                                                                         "Again!"
"How on earth will we manage?"

A minute went by, and another. Then three
in silence, until a dog barked
and the horde at the door began to repine:
"I'm sore" "I'm knackered." "I'm narked!"

A minute went by, and another. Then four.
But there was no sign of the Sage
as the knocker whose knuckles were bruiséd and raw
paced, like an owl in a cage.

A minute went b, and another. Then five.
And each felt the length of an hour
when a crash and a smash and a slippered foot dash
was heard from inside the tower.

At once at the window the Adept appeared
ta-da! "I have given this thought
I consulted the Bones, Grimoires and Omens
to see what it is you have sought.

I examined Entrails, I'll spare you the details
Scryed, and I Beat the Drum.
If the future's a feast it fed me on scraps
the meagerest morsel, a crumb.

It is not what I hoped, but it is all I have
and it's value time will assay.
So I give it to you" that you leave me in peace
"The One you seek went, thataway."





.
Reply
#2
It's a little confusing in parts, but it's interesting. Reminds me of The Highwayman or something like what Shakespeare might have written. Of course since we aren't in Shakespeare's time, it comes across as a little forced or out of date. But I see what you are going for. I am not sure what the men are looking for, and I'm not sure if the Sage at the end gave the proper response by simply pointing in a direction, but it is an interesting poem. Maybe you should hone down the central theme or idea that you are trying to get across, and really think about what is the center of the poem. Is it to show how a neighbor can seem distracted though there are urgent cries for help (similar to Jesus' parable of The Good Samaritan), or is this just a snapshot of a fictional unimportant turn of events? What is it you want the reader to come away with? And then from there maybe some of the structural problems can be whittled down. Maybe just think about boiling this down to its essence and trimming away some of the unnecessary parts that seem too wordy (perhaps too many quotations as well). But I don't know. Someone more scholarly might need to take a look at it to see what you're going for.

Matthew


(05-08-2021, 10:17 PM)Knot Wrote:  .
The One That Got Away


In the night came a knocking, a knocking quite late
and loud. Then a knocking once more.
And you'd think that someone would investigate
but someone continued to snore.

Again with the knocking, three times they have knocked.
The shutters were flung open wide
and someone, somewhere in the night up above
leant out of a window and cried:

"Who, who. Who is there? Who knocks in the night?
Who summons me, thus, from my bed?
Are you here to cause harm? Must I sound the alarm?
Is your motive one of bloodshed?"

In the flamelight of torches a knocker stepped forth
drew breath, then croaked like a toad:
"Good evening, good Lady, good Lord, no, no, no.
No harm. We have been on this road

for such a long time, yet were just passing by
(my colleague here said this was you.)
So, of course we must stop, come and pay our respects
what else could we possibly do?"

The rabble they babbled, like a murmur of crows
each banging their sprong on the ground
in a show of assent, yes that's what we meant, see
our trespass we would not compound.

"Your Worship, your Wisdom," the knocker continued
"forgive this intrusion. I ask"
Oh, ask is it now? With your torch and your sprong
"for aid with our arduous task.

I'm sure you'll have heard of the onus upon us
a Duty none here would gainsay.
It's our Noble Charge to Hunt that still at large
The One That Has Gotten Away."

"It's a Quest, not a Hunt!" "It's a Search!" "It's a pain."
Came bursting like gas from a bog.
Ignoring the mob the knocker persisted:
"Your Highness, it has been a slog

and I make no excuses, but well, the truth is
we're falling behind every day.
And I fear getting lost (in more ways than one)
while The One is getting away."

"Alas" said the Seer "I cannot interfere
for this is the fate you all chose.
Although one could say it was Fate brought you here
and what that might mean, who knows?"

With a clatter and clack board and battens snapped back
the Maven (and window) vanished.
"Now look what you've done!" "It has all gone wrong!" "Again!"
"How on earth will we manage?"

A minute went by. Then another. Then three
in silence, until a dog barked
then the horde at the door began to repine:
"I'm sore" "I'm knackered." "I'm narked!"

A minute went by. Then another. Then four.
But there was no sign of the Sage.
And the knocker whose knuckles were bruiséd and raw
paced, like an owl in a cage.

A minute went by. Then another. Then five.
And each felt the length of an hour
when a crash and a smash and a slippered foot dash
was heard from inside the tower.

At once at the window the Adept appeared
to announce "I have given this thought
I've consulted the Bones, my Grimoires, my Tomes
to see what it is you have sought.

And I've scryed, though my balls are not what they were
I've divined, I've beaten the drum.
If the future's a feast it has fed me on scraps
the meagerest morsel, a crumb.

It's not all I had hoped, but it's all that I have
and it's value time will assay.
So I give it to you" That you leave me in peace
"The One you seek went, thataway."





.
Reply
#3
.
Hi Matthew,
firstly thanks for the read. Much appreciated. Your Noyes and Shakespeare are a little too high brow for this one. It was intended more in the Carroll/Lear vein.
By quotations did you mean those punctuation marks used to indicate direct speech? It's primarily a dialogue (of sorts) with occasional interjections from members of the 'mob'. I've tweaked the format in the hopes of making this clearer.


Best, Knot



.
Reply
#4
Hi Knot.  A few minor suggestions and comments.  This was a refreshing read; great rhythym and a addictive story.  The end is a bit of a cheap laugh, but I'm enough of a peasant to enjoy it.

(05-08-2021, 10:17 PM)Knot Wrote:  .
The One That Got Away


In the night came a knocking, a knocking quite late
and loud. Then a knocking once more.
And you'd think that someone would investigate
but someone continued to snore.

Again with the knocking, three times they have knocked.
The shutters were flung open wide
and someone, somewhere in the night up above
leant out of a window and cried:

"Who, who. Who is there? Who knocks in the night?
Who summons me, thus, from my bed?
Are you here to cause harm? Must I sound the alarm?
Is your motive one of bloodshed?"

In the flamelight of torches a knocker stepped forth
drew breath, then croaked like a toad:
"Good evening, good Lady, good Lord, no, no, no.
No harm. We have been on this road

for such a long time, yet were just passing by
(my colleague here said this was you.)
So, of course we must stop, come and pay our respects
what else could we possibly do?"

The rabble they babbled, like a murmur of crows
each banging their sprong on the ground
in a show of assent, yes that's what we meant, see
our trespass we would not compound.

"Your Worship, your Wisdom," the knocker continued
"forgive this intrusion. I ask"
Oh, ask is it now? With your torch and your sprong
"for aid with our arduous task.

I'm sure you'll have heard of the onus upon us
a Duty none here would gainsay.
It's our Noble Charge to Hunt that still at large                       this line feels awkward
The One That Has Gotten Away."

"It's a Quest, not a Hunt!"
                                           "It's a Search!"
                                                                   "It's a pain."
Came bursting like gas from a bog.
Ignoring the mob the knocker persisted:
"Your Highness, it has been a slog

and I make no excuses, but well, the truth is
we're falling behind every day.
And I fear getting lost (in more ways than one)
while The One is getting away."

"Alas" said the Seer "I cannot interfere
for this is the fate you all chose.
Although one could say it was Fate brought you here
and what that might mean, who knows?"

With a clatter and clack board and battens snapped back
the Maven (and window) vanished.
"Now look what you've done!"
                                                  "It has all gone wrong!"
                                                                                         "Again!"
"How on earth will we manage?"

A minute went by. Then another. Then three
in silence, until a dog barked
then the horde at the door began to repine:
"I'm sore" "I'm knackered." "I'm narked!"

A minute went by. Then another. Then four.
But there was no sign of the Sage.
And the knocker whose knuckles were bruiséd and raw
paced, like an owl in a cage.                                                    wonderful stanza

A minute went by. Then another. Then five.
And each felt the length of an hour
when a crash and a smash and a slippered foot dash
was heard from inside the tower.

At once at the window the Adept appeared
to announce "I have given this thought
I've consulted the Bones, my Grimoires, my Tomes
to see what it is you have sought.

And I've scryed, though my balls are not what they were                  do you really want or intend this to also refer to testicles?  it seems crude complred to rest of poem.
I've divined, I've beaten the drum.
If the future's a feast it has fed me on scraps
the meagerest morsel, a crumb.

It is not all I hoped, but it's all that I have
and it's value time will assay.
So I give it to you" That you leave me in peace
"The One you seek went, thataway."
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
Reply
#5
.
Hi TqB,
many thanks for the read and crit.

It's our Noble Charge to Hunt that still at large this line feels awkward
Is it the phrasing or the rhythm? Would
It is our noble charge to Hunt that still at large
be less awkward?
paced, like an owl in a cage. wonderful stanza
Thanks, wasn't sure about 'bruiséd' or the self referential last line.

And I've scryed, though my balls are not what they were  do you really want or intend this to also refer to testicles? it seems crude ...
I was in two minds about 'balls' (though, of course, syrying does involve crystal balls, or mirrors) and the easiest thing to do seemed to leave the line in and see what happens.  I'll have a look at alternatives ...

The end is a bit of a cheap laugh, but I'm enough of a peasant to enjoy it.
And I'm enough of a peasant to write it. And a cheap laugh is still a laugh.

As a by the by, did you have any trouble with the number/variety of speakers (assuming you read this before I changed the layout)?


Best, Knot


__________________

... OK TqB,
I've had a look, how about

At once at the window the Adept appeared
to announce "I have given this thought
I've consulted the Bones, Grimoires and Omens
to see what it is you have sought.

I've examined Entrails for relevant details
scryed, I've beaten a drum.
If the Future's a feast it has fed me on scraps
the meagerest morsel, a crumb.

It is not what I hoped, but it is what I have
and it's value time will assay.
So I give it to you" That you leave me in peace
"The One you seek went, thataway."



?
Reply
#6
(05-16-2021, 12:15 AM)Knot Wrote:  .
Hi TqB,
many thanks for the read and crit.

It's our Noble Charge to Hunt that still at large this line feels awkward
Is it the phrasing or the rhythm? Would
It is our noble charge to Hunt that still at large             yes i like this change; i think it was a rhythym issue; sounds better now
be less awkward?
paced, like an owl in a cage. wonderful stanza
Thanks, wasn't sure about 'bruiséd' or the self referential last line.

And I've scryed, though my balls are not what they were  do you really want or intend this to also refer to testicles? it seems crude ...
I was in two minds about 'balls' (though, of course, syrying does involve crystal balls, or mirrors) and the easiest thing to do seemed to leave the line in and see what happens.  I'll have a look at alternatives ...

The end is a bit of a cheap laugh, but I'm enough of a peasant to enjoy it.
And I'm enough of a peasant to write it. And a cheap laugh is still a laugh.

As a by the by, did you have any trouble with the number/variety of speakers (assuming you read this before I changed the layout)?


Best, Knot


__________________

... OK TqB,
I've had a look, how about

At once at the window the Adept appeared
to announce "I have given this thought
I've consulted the Bones, Grimoires and Omens
to see what it is you have sought.

I've examined Entrails for relevant details
scryed, I've beaten a drum.
If the Future's a feast it has fed me on
the meagerest morsel, a crumb.

It is not what I hoped, but it is what I have
and it's value time will assay.
So I give it to you" That you leave me in peace
"The One you seek went, thataway."



?

This ending is marvellous.  This is my first time reading, so no, didn't see previous version.  But I had no trouble at all following who was speaking (or thinking) in this version.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
Reply
#7
.
Thanks again TqB,
changes made.


Best, Knot


[font=Times New Roman](Earlier version can be seen in NewMysytic's post)[/font]

.
Reply
#8
Yes. The quotations are those things that indicate direct speech. There seem to be too many of them for my taste. And I get the Lewis Carroll vibe. His Jabberwocky would be sort of the prose poetry you seem to be going for.
Reply
#9
Thanks again NM,
Reply
#10
I'm not that experienced with poetry, so forgive me if I seem way off. I was just communicating how how it made me feel. But I understand now that it is intended to be humorous. I didn't get that at first.
Reply
#11
Nothing to forgive, NM. I appreciate you taking the time to read and to comment[font=Times New Roman].[/font]

[font=Times New Roman]Best, Knot[/font]



[font=Times New Roman]________________[/font]


[font=Times New Roman]ending tweaked from that shown in reply to TqB.[/font]

[font=Times New Roman].[/font]
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!