In Isolation

[penneddown]

Transplant Isolation 

Carmen broods like tea brews,
Stewing through the elastic days.
 
When the nurses come she pretends to sleep,
Fearing small talk as dull as sparrows feathers.

Her mother wears plum lipstick and plastic shoes,
Still taking time to dress for church on zoom,
And daily updates with the neighbors.

Last night they lay awake in the dark
listening to their own breathing,

Carmen imagining a bee trapped in a jam jar,
pressing its wings to the side of the glass.
A black and yellow mime.
 
They both know one month in one room
Is too long. She whispers to her marrow
 
wake up
 
And she thinks she can hear her cells moving under her skin
like London in summer.
 
Unveiling the vertical blind like a secret, 
she watches a tree behind the car park turn toward Autumn.




Carmen broods like tea brews, her days stretched out like elastic. When the nurses come into her room she shuts her eyes and pretends to be asleep, fearing small talk as dull as sparrows feathers. Her mother has an obnoxious voice and wears her smirk like an ill-fitting tie. Last night they lay awake in the dark, not speaking, listening to the weight of their own breathing. Carmen imagines her mother trapped in a jam jar, pressing her hands to the side of the glass like an enigmatic mime. Conversation as empty as puffed rice, they both know one month in one room is too long. She whispers to her marrow to wake up, kickstart its hard-drive. Sometimes when she shuts her eyes for long enough, she thinks she can hear her cells moving under her skin, the plasma generator humming like London in summer. On one particularly long and lonely night she stands by the window at dusk, gently moving the vertical blind like she's unveiling a secret. Behind the car park a tree is turning toward Autumn, and she watches a single leaf fall in slow motion, twisting and fluttering like a moth that has just emerged from its cocoon.

[Knot]

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Hi penne,
some great images, and a strong evocation of mood. For me, though, there are a few (ok, more than a few) too many similies: the 'ill-fitting tie' and (after the intriguing 'small talk as dull as sparrows feathers') the less engaging, and repetitious feeling 'conversation as empty as puffed rice' spring to mind.

It could also stand a little pruning. So, with that in mind, and for my own convenience ...


Carmen broods like tea brews,
- love this as an opening. How important is the name?
the days stretching out like elastic.
- 'like elastic' is rather weak.

When the nurses come she shuts pretends to sleep,
their small talk dull as sparrow feathers.

Her mother has an obnoxious voice
wears her smirk like an ill-fitting tie.
- puzzled about the physical circumstances regarding Carmen, her mother, and the nurses.

Last night they lay awake listening
to the weight of their own breathing.
- not sure 'weight' is the best choice.

Carmen imagines her mother trapped
in a jam jar, pressing her hands to the glass

they both know one month in one room
is too long. She whispers to her marrow

wake up

she thinks she can hear her cells moving
under her skin, like London in summer.

she opens the vertical blind as if unveiling a secret.
Behind the car park a tree is turning toward Autumn,
- I think this line offers the strongest ending.
Having got this far, and enjoyed the journey, I don't think the title serves the piece that well.



Best, Knot


.

[penneddown]

.
Hi penne,
some great images, and a strong evocation of mood. For me, though, there are a few (ok, more than a few) too many similies: the 'ill-fitting tie' and (after the intriguing 'small talk as dull as sparrows feathers') the less engaging, and repetitious feeling 'conversation as empty as puffed rice' spring to mind.

It could also stand a little pruning. So, with that in mind, and for my own convenience ...


Carmen broods like tea brews,
- love this as an opening. How important is the name?
the days stretching out like elastic.
- 'like elastic' is rather weak.

When the nurses come she shuts pretends to sleep,
their small talk dull as sparrow feathers.

Her mother has an obnoxious voice
wears her smirk like an ill-fitting tie.
- puzzled about the physical circumstances regarding Carmen, her mother, and the nurses.

Last night they lay awake listening
to the weight of their own breathing.
- not sure 'weight' is the best choice.

Carmen imagines her mother trapped
in a jam jar, pressing her hands to the glass

they both know one month in one room
is too long. She whispers to her marrow

wake up

she thinks she can hear her cells moving
under her skin, like London in summer.

she opens the vertical blind as if unveiling a secret.
Behind the car park a tree is turning toward Autumn,
- I think this line offers the strongest ending.
Having got this far, and enjoyed the journey, I don't think the title serves the piece that well.



Best, Knot


Thanks for the helpful feedback Knot, I appreciate it. Also felt it was a little heavy on the similes. I have made a bit of an edit, and turned it into poetic rather than prosaic form. See as below.

The name is irrelevant. I have changed it to improve the flow.

Jasmine broods like tea brews,
her days stretching out like elastic.
 
When the nurses come she pretends to be asleep,
Avoiding small talk as dull as sparrows feathers.

Her mother wears plum lipstick and plastic shoes.

Last night they lay awake in the dark
listening to their own breathing
 
Jasmine imagining her mother trapped in a jam jar,
pressing her hands to the side of the glass.
An enigmatic mime.
 
They both know one month in one room
Is too long. She whispers to her marrow
 
wake up
 
And she thinks she can hear her cells moving under her skin
like London in summer.
 
She opens the vertical blind as if unveiling a secret.
Behind the car park a tree is turning toward Autumn.

 
The ending feels a little blunt to me, there’s room for improvement. The flow of the poem isn’t brilliant, but it’s improving. 

Many thanks

.

[Knot]

.

Hi penned.

I prefer this tauter version, but still confused by the mother/Jasmine/nurses (that sense of delirium is effective though).

In the 'last night' section are they in the same physical space?

Jasmine broods like tea brews,

- Not sure about the name change, feels like you're going for the joke (but this may just be me)

her days stretching out like elastic.

- still think 'elastic' is weak, any way to develop the 'tea' image, for instance

She broods like tea brews,

the days stretch out, an endless stream

of washing up/of empty cups ?

she likes imagining her mother trapped inside

a jam jar, white palms pressing on the glass;

a mime in plum lipstick and plastic shoes.

She likes imagining the silence.

She thinks she can hear her cells moving

under her skin, like London in summer.

She whispers to her marrow wake up!

(for an even blunter end, you could end here )

Last night they lay awake listening

to their own breathing. They both know

that one month in one room is too long.

When the nurses come she pretends to sleep,

Avoiding small talk as dull as sparrows feathers.

Behind the car park a tree is turning toward Autumn.

She opens the vertical blind as if unveiling a secret.

Best, Knot

.

[penneddown]

Thanks for all your feedback knot. The circumstances are that Carmen (teenager) is having a bone marrow transplant so is in protective isolation in hospital, with her mother that stays with her.

I've reposted the edit. 

Penned.

[Knot]

.

Hi Penned.

Thanks for the clarification (and for not mentioning my confusing delirium with boredom ) The change in title helps (a lot), but wondered if there was any way to get 'teenager' and 'her mother stays with her' into the piece (more explicitly) - just for us slow of comprehending types.

as a for instance

Carmen broods like tea brews,

Stewing through the elastic days

fifteen stretching further away

Her mother - in the bed they've made

up for her plum lipstick and plastic shoes,

- always takes time to dress for church on zoom,

and to reassure the neighbours.

They both know one month in one room

Is too long. She whispers to her marrow

wake up

And she thinks she can hear her cells moving

under her skin like London in summer.

When the nurses come she pretends to sleep,

Fearing small talk as dull as sparrows feathers.

Carmen imagining a bee trapped in a jam jar,

pressing its wings to the side of the glass.

(I think you lose quite a lot changing the mother into a bee)

Unveiling the vertical blind like a secret,

(can one unveil a blind? The one's I remember from my last stay in hospital had those

fiddly toggles and cords that seemed to confuse everyone, regularly. )

she watches a tree behind the car park

turn toward the Autumn.

Best, Knot

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