The Clock Struck One
#1
The Clock Struck One


As grey as a cobweb, black eyes agleam,
a twitching of whiskers, cautious and keen;

a mouse after midnight in search of a meal
scampers from shadow to shadow and steals

through the carpeted quiet, its mind full of cats.
A chain flashing silver, a worn Welcome mat,

a dog lead, umbrella, coats hanging like bats
and his shoes and her shoes and no signs of cats.

A mouse in the hallway, a door that's ajar
where there, in the distance, a silvery star,

a twinkling beacon of fruity fragrance,
a luring of seeds and nut-buttery scents.

A mouse in the kitchen, a hunger in fur
slips by the cooker, across the cold floor.

A fridge with the shivers, green wellies, a ball,
two bowls (one with water). But cats? None at all.

No sound but a heartbeat
..................................................(thumpety, thump!)
and drip-dripping tap
..................................................(plowink ... Plowink.)
A mouth opens, wider
..................................................(Deep Breath.)
No signs of a
................Snap!





The Clock Struck One


Scamper from shadow
- snickety click -
to shadow. Watch!
Wait … Quick,

dash out by the sofa
darting 'cross the floor
skirting round the boards
to the living room's maw.

In the carpeted quiet
a worn welcome mat,
once bristly and thistly,
now dusty and flat.

Dog lead, an umbrella,
coats hanging like bats,
shoes paired (neat and tidy)
- with no sign of cats!

A chain flashes silver,
moon's climbing the treads
while slumbering down
come some snores from the beds.

Shh!
.........Watch,
......................wait,
...............................(sniff!)

It's faint to be sure
(just a hint of deceit),
tiptoeing from sneakers,
the whiff-waft of feet:

a Parmesan fug,
wet-sweaty and stale,
all odour, no eating,
clock's ticking, turn tail

to race down the hall
to the door that's ajar,
to spy from the threshold,
a twinkling star:

a beckoning beacon
of fruity fragrance,
a siren of seeds
and nut-buttery scents.

All tonguely and dribbly,
tum-rumbly, 'want-eat'!
So sleekitly, creep,
and sneak up on the treat:

past the shivering fridge,
green wellies, a ball,
two bowls (one with water)
and cats, none at all!

No sound but a heartbeat,
..........................................(thumpety, thump!)
A drip-dripping tap,
..........................................(plowink ... Plowink.)
Mouth opening, wider!
..........................................(Deep Breath)
No sign of a
..............Snap!







Kitchen, sink, drama


Scamper from shadow
- snickety click -
to shadow. Watch! Wait …

Slink out round the sofa,
dart across the floor,
skirting by the boards
to the living room's maw.

In the carpeted quiet:
a worn welcome mat,
once bristly and thistly,
now dusty and flat.

Dog lead, an umbrella,
coats hanging like bats,
shoes paired (neat and tidy)
- and no sign of cats!

A chain flashes silver,
moon's climbing the treads
as slumbering downstairs
come snores from the beds.

Shh! Watch, wait, (sniff!)

It's faint to be sure
(just a hint of deceit),
tiptoeing from sneakers,
the whiff-waft of feet:

a Parmesan fug,
wet-sweaty and stale,
all odour, no eating,
clock's ticking, turn tail.

Run right down the hall
to the door that's ajar,
where there past the oven,
a twinkling star:

in a wheel of moonlight,
as if from a dream,
a silvery sparkle
and curdy-cream gleam.

Stop! Watch, wait, (sniff!)

There's a song in the air,
a note for the nose,
a tune tug-tug-tugging
you up on your toes:

all tonguely and dribbly,
rumbly-hungry with need.
Advance like a bishop
and capture the cheese!

Past the shivering fridge,
green wellies, a ball,
two bowls (one with water)
and cats, none at all!

No sound but a heartbeat,
.........................     .   ........(thumpety, thump!)
A drip-dripping tap,
........................        ..........(plowink ... Plowink)
Mouth opening, wider!
.....................        .............(Deep Breath)
No sign of a Snap!





*(better titles happily accepted)
Reply
#2
hi knot, a smiley little piece and i enjoyed it. most of the meter works well but you have a couple of places where it could be improved. the secret war plays out well. the first 3 lines feel like they need something more as an opening. thanks for the read.

(10-13-2018, 07:57 PM)Knot Wrote:  Kitchen, sink, drama


Scamper from shadow the this verse did little for me the reader as an opening
- snickety click -
to shadow. Watch! Wait …

Slink out round the sofa,
dart across the floor,
skirting by the boards
to the living room's maw.

In the carpeted quiet:
a worn welcome mat,
once bristly and thistly,
now dusty and flat.

A lead, an umbrella, this verse has good meter. compare the meter to the first 4 line verse. are they the same.
coats hanging like bats,
shoes paired (neat and tidy)
- and no sign of cats!

A chain flashes silver,
moon's climbing the treads
as slumbering downstairs
come snores from the beds. i get this verse but it's hard not to read it as the beds that are downstairs and not you the mutt

Shh! Watch, wait, (sniff!)

It's faint to be sure
(just a hint of deceit),
tiptoeing from sneakers,
the whiff-waft of feet:

a Parmesan fug,
wet-sweaty and stale,
all odour, no eating,
clock's ticking, turn tail.

Run right down the hall
to the door that's ajar,
where there past the oven,
a twinkling star:

in a wheel of moonlight,
as if from a dream,
a silvery sparkle
and curdy-cream gleam.

Stop! Watch, wait, (sniff!)

There's a song in the air,
a note for the nose,
a tune tug-tug-tugging again the meter seems slightly off in this line.
you up on your toes:

all tonguely and dribbly,
rumbly-hungry with need.
Advance like a bishop
and capture the cheese! i like this nonsense verse it helps capture the image.

Past the shivering fridge,
green wellies, a ball,
two bowls (one with water)
and cats, none at all!

No sound but a heartbeat,
.........................     .   ........(thumpety, thump!)
A drip-dripping tap,
........................        ..........(plowink ... Plowink)
Mouth opening, wider!
.....................        .............(Deep Breath)
No sign of a Snap!





*(better titles happily accepted)
Reply
#3
Hi Billy,
thanks for the crit (and apologies for the delay).

Retitled revision posted.

Best, Knot.
Reply
#4
This reminds me of hickory dickory dock, and the Christmas tale when all was quiet not even a mouse.  You never mention a mouse but since there's no cats and a lot of smell emphasis I get a great picture of a dog investigating an intrusion.  But also because there's no cats and lots of foods, I imagine the dog getting food he's not supposed to from an open fridge or something, although I want him to catch the mouse.  I don't get the sink drama from the title.  Even though there's clearly dripping from a sink, the clock struck 1 seems a good title but also makes me picture mice which may or may not be there.
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Reply
#5
Hi CRNDLSM,
happy/merry etc.


This reminds me of hickory dickory dock, and the Christmas tale when all was quiet not even a mouse.
Good, that was the idea.
You never mention a mouse but since there's no cats and a lot of smell emphasis I get a great picture
of a dog investigating an intrusion.
Well, you're the reader Smile
But also because there's no cats and lots of foods, I imagine the dog getting food he's not supposed to
from an open fridge or something, although I want him to catch the mouse.
It's not just that there are no cats, but that I'm saying that there are no cats.
I don't get the sink drama from the title. Even though there's clearly dripping from a sink,
Just a bit of fun with the original idea of 'kitchen sink dramas' (inasmuch as this piece has a kitchen, a sink and some
drama).
the clock struck 1 seems a good title but also makes me picture mice which may or may not be there.
In my version this is the journey of a mouse from the point of entry into a house right up to
its encounter with a mousetrap. But I'm not going to be dogmatic about this interpretation Smile


Thanks for the read.


Best, Knot.



.
Reply
#6
- belated revision -
Reply
#7
So this poem was rather cute, I loved the rhythm and meter of the poem, it was perfect (well perhaps near-perfect) but there were still some errors, also I think you could refrain from rhyming and overdoing a little too much especially with this line.

A mouse in the kitchen, a hunger in fur
slips by the cooker, across the cold floor.

I just don't get this line, also it didn't rhyme.

Also the ending lines you don't need, why does it seem so dramatic? Was that intentional?
Reply
#8
A very sleek and twitchy poem, Knot.  I really like what you did with the ending.

Since we are supposed to critique too, my only gripe as a reader is


"where there, in the distance, a silvery star,

a twinkling beacon of fruity fragrance,
a luring of seeds and nut-buttery scents."

I have trouble making the leap from a visual cue to a scent, although I guess like dogs, mice "see" with their noses.
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
Reply
#9
.
Hi MS, TqB,
thank you both for the read.

TqB, I understand the 'gripe' Smile but yes, mice "see" with their noses. However I thought I needed something
that strongly suggested a (steel) mouse-trap (hence the visual silvery echoing the chain). It's for the reader, not
the mouse Smile


Best, Knot


.
Reply
#10
I must be dense.  I thought a cat got the mouse.  I missed the mouse-trap aspect though now it makes sense (the SNAP).  I had actually zeroed in on "silvery" as the word that I wanted to replace.  With something related to smell.  Like "savory".  but I guess not.  So for idiots like me, I'd suggest another verse making the mouse trap more in plain sight  Blush
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
Reply
#11
.
Hi TqB.
(05-03-2021, 09:12 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:   I thought a cat got the mouse.
A cat, a dog, a trap.  To be fair it could be any.  (But, if you've been paying attention I think I've been quite clear about there being 'no signs of cats'.  Told ya twice, in fact Smile )

(05-03-2021, 09:12 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  I'd suggest another verse making the mouse trap more in plain sight
(I think you've overlooked the possibilities in the word 'luring')
If it's in plain sight you won't fall into it Smile


Best, Knot

.
Reply
#12
I now feel like a mouse when the trap shuts.  Yeah, "luring".  I'm not being careful enough in my reading.  To be fair, I'd only had my first cup of tea.

But hey, I got cats, and I never know where they are even when one is inches away.
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
Reply
#13
(05-04-2021, 12:09 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  I'm not being careful enough in my reading.
It's hardly the sort of verse that encourages a close reading. Something to which I admit taking full advantage.
And just to be clear; that you managed to discern the least likely cause of SNAP is down to a beverage? Smile


Thanks again for the read,
Knot
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!