absence (edit 1)
#21
(12-07-2017, 07:42 AM)Quixilated Wrote:  absence

I have left cryptic notes along the way Cryptic denotes an ambivalence in the narrator, perhaps?
to coax you back into the world of the living Fantastic intro- is subject hermetic or simply fugitive? I love the ambiguity.

don't you know that you are missed? 
that, though you only walked the halls in silent slippered feet Love the alliteration here, sibilance.
you were not invisible Yet the subject is ghostly.

you left fingerprints 

an opened book 
this curtain pulled aside 

and though you lived more gently than a ghost
your presence wore an impression into my foundation, I love the "boring into" imagery here
the way softly falling water hollows stone

and even after time dries up the source 

the stone cannot forget the water's mark The final couplet is beautiful and indelible.

Quite moving....thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing!






First attempt at an edit. Consider this still in progress.  If I have made a wrong turn and should put something back the way it was, feel free to say (change isn't always better).  It's hard for me to tell if each change is better or worse because I have been reading it the original way for months.  It takes me so long to get up the courage to post these blasted things that by the time I finally do, the words have been sitting there in that exact order for so long that all change sounds strange and wrong.  I'm going to have to put some blind faith in my readers to tell me what is actually better and what is worse.  Thumbsup

(Though, as has been frequently suggested, river does sound nice, the problem is that it is simply not a river.  It is a stone underneath a tiny steady drip or steam of water, the water is minimal and soft and hardly noticeable, but with time it will still carve a deep basin into the stone’s surface that can be seen long after the water source dries up. A river is simply too massive and noticeable.  

Sometimes a person can be so unobtrusive that you don’t notice how much room they take up in your life until they are gone and you find you have a massive hole where they used to be.)
 

I have left cryptic notes along the way 
like breadcrumbs
to coax you back into the world of the living

don't you know that you are missed? 

that, though you only ever walked the halls in silent slipper'd feet 
you were not invisible

you left fingerprints 

an opened book 
that curtain pulled aside 

though you lived more gently than a ghost
your presence wore a steady impression into my foundation, 
the way water softly falling onto stone will carve a path.

and even when the water changes course 

the stone cannot forget the water's mark
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#22
Thanks for reading and for taking the time to comment.   Thumbsup

—Quix
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara 
Reply
#23
Good to have pulled this up
This is haunting
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