Broken Altar (Rev.#1)
#21
I can see why this poem calls to you... many times as a guest I read your poem. I like the changes that you have made between the edits. I wonder if you changed tarnished in S1L1 if it would make for a stronger line ... a broke alter is so strong that it seems weaken with the offering only being tarnished.
The final two lines also seem to weaken an otherwise strong poem... I do like "she donned a gray robe" though... turning ones head away... is a snub... yet flinging them in her face would be stronger or something along those lines...
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#22
(07-25-2015, 11:41 AM)Quixilated Wrote:  (Revision #1 of what is likely to be many ...)
Hi quix,
I've bumped this back because you dropped it like a ladies 'kerchief. I have picked it up and there are things to say. All in text but just one thing. If you know what you want it to say be sure...then say it.
Best,
tectak



Broken Altar

A tarnished offering on a broken altar
tightly bound and guarded by a
tombstone sentry with stony eyes.

The sacred psalm is silenced, stifled,
making way for the dirge and shroud,
garden flowers trampled by the guard.

The vigilante has turned vandal,
used Love’s duty for his shackles
and Faith’s meekness for iron bars.

She offered diamonds in exchange,
but he turned his head away.
She donned a grey robe and was silent.


(I am determined to make it say what I want, so have at it ... better, worse? indecipherable? rubbish? Change someting, change everything? It makes sense to me because I can see the picture in my head. I want to know did it transfer this time?)


------------------------------------------------
(Original)

Broken Altar

Tarnished gifts on broken altar lie,
like tombstone heralds with staring eyes,
a garden palace, plucked and wilted.

Sanctuary sepulcher buries, stifles
heart-song’s captive vicissitude,
jubilee-hymn to weeping dirge.

Vigilante vandal, proud and noble,
for one moment’s glory-morsel,
your Love's trust have bled.

Was it worth that paltry victory,
to use Love’s duty as your shackles
and Faith’s meekness for iron bars?

Careless, heedless, callus, oblivious,
not to see hot tears and know
heart's blood pulses in each molten diamond.

(07-25-2015, 11:41 AM)Quixilated Wrote:  (Revision #1 of what is likely to be many ...)
Hi quix,
I've bumped this back because you dropped it like a ladies 'kerchief. I have picked it up and there are things to say. All in text but just one thing. If you know what you want it to say be sure...then say it.
Best,
tectak



Broken Altar

A tarnished offering on a broken altar, This is no way to eliminate an inversion. Say it in plain english...that has worked before. You may not need "broken" in the title AND the first line. So:
A (the?) tarnished offering, tightly bound,
lies on a(the?) broken altar.
The Sentry of the Tomb stands stony-eyed.

This reads easier to me, and avoids stone/stone. You will see why "guard" goes in next staza



tightly bound and guarded by a
tombstone sentry with stony eyes.

The sacred psalm is silenced, stifled, Meter can be improved easily.

The sacred psalm is stifled until silenced
to make way for a droning, plangent dirge;
distracting from the garden flowers trampled
by the passing of the grey and ghoulish guard......or something. Your poem. Use words...they are not in short supply, but make them count.


garden flowers trampled by the guard.

The vigilante has turned vandal,
used Love’s duty for his shackles
and Faith’s meekness for iron bars. Almost nice enough.

She offered diamonds in exchange,
but he turned his head away.
She donned a grey robe and was silent. Too many "silent" occurences. Work on it. It takes effort.


(I am determined to make it say what I want, so have at it ... better, worse? indecipherable? rubbish? Change someting, change everything? It makes sense to me because I can see the picture in my head. I want to know did it transfer this time?)


------------------------------------------------
(Original)

Broken Altar

Tarnished gifts on broken altar lie,
like tombstone heralds with staring eyes,
a garden palace, plucked and wilted.

Sanctuary sepulcher buries, stifles
heart-song’s captive vicissitude,
jubilee-hymn to weeping dirge.

Vigilante vandal, proud and noble,
for one moment’s glory-morsel,
your Love's trust have bled.

Was it worth that paltry victory,
to use Love’s duty as your shackles
and Faith’s meekness for iron bars?

Careless, heedless, callus, oblivious,
not to see hot tears and know
heart's blood pulses in each molten diamond.
Reply
#23
Thanks Tectak,
I do plan to continue working on this one ... it's sort of a pet project. But I realized I might neet to grow a little in my writing before I have the means to make it say what I want. I very much appreciate your advice and the time you took to read and comment. I will put it to good use when I do feel confident enough to edit again. Smile
-Quix

(08-15-2015, 12:11 AM)tectak Wrote:  
(07-25-2015, 11:41 AM)Quixilated Wrote:  (Revision #1 of what is likely to be many ...)
Hi quix,
I've bumped this back because you dropped it like a ladies 'kerchief. I have picked it up and there are things to say. All in text but just one thing. If you know what you want it to say be sure...then say it.
Best,
tectak



Broken Altar

A tarnished offering on a broken altar
tightly bound and guarded by a
tombstone sentry with stony eyes.

The sacred psalm is silenced, stifled,
making way for the dirge and shroud,
garden flowers trampled by the guard.

The vigilante has turned vandal,
used Love’s duty for his shackles
and Faith’s meekness for iron bars.

She offered diamonds in exchange,
but he turned his head away.
She donned a grey robe and was silent.


(I am determined to make it say what I want, so have at it ... better, worse? indecipherable? rubbish? Change someting, change everything? It makes sense to me because I can see the picture in my head. I want to know did it transfer this time?)


------------------------------------------------
(Original)

Broken Altar

Tarnished gifts on broken altar lie,
like tombstone heralds with staring eyes,
a garden palace, plucked and wilted.

Sanctuary sepulcher buries, stifles
heart-song’s captive vicissitude,
jubilee-hymn to weeping dirge.

Vigilante vandal, proud and noble,
for one moment’s glory-morsel,
your Love's trust have bled.

Was it worth that paltry victory,
to use Love’s duty as your shackles
and Faith’s meekness for iron bars?

Careless, heedless, callus, oblivious,
not to see hot tears and know
heart's blood pulses in each molten diamond.

(07-25-2015, 11:41 AM)Quixilated Wrote:  (Revision #1 of what is likely to be many ...)
Hi quix,
I've bumped this back because you dropped it like a ladies 'kerchief. I have picked it up and there are things to say. All in text but just one thing. If you know what you want it to say be sure...then say it.
Best,
tectak



Broken Altar

A tarnished offering on a broken altar, This is no way to eliminate an inversion. Say it in plain english...that has worked before. You may not need "broken" in the title AND the first line. So:
A (the?) tarnished offering, tightly bound,
lies on a(the?) broken altar.
The Sentry of the Tomb stands stony-eyed.

This reads easier to me, and avoids stone/stone. You will see why "guard" goes in next staza



tightly bound and guarded by a
tombstone sentry with stony eyes.

The sacred psalm is silenced, stifled, Meter can be improved easily.

The sacred psalm is stifled until silenced
to make way for a droning, plangent dirge;
distracting from the garden flowers trampled
by the passing of the grey and ghoulish guard......or something. Your poem. Use words...they are not in short supply, but make them count.


garden flowers trampled by the guard.

The vigilante has turned vandal,
used Love’s duty for his shackles
and Faith’s meekness for iron bars. Almost nice enough.

She offered diamonds in exchange,
but he turned his head away.
She donned a grey robe and was silent. Too many "silent" occurences. Work on it. It takes effort.


(I am determined to make it say what I want, so have at it ... better, worse? indecipherable? rubbish? Change someting, change everything? It makes sense to me because I can see the picture in my head. I want to know did it transfer this time?)


------------------------------------------------
(Original)

Broken Altar

Tarnished gifts on broken altar lie,
like tombstone heralds with staring eyes,
a garden palace, plucked and wilted.

Sanctuary sepulcher buries, stifles
heart-song’s captive vicissitude,
jubilee-hymn to weeping dirge.

Vigilante vandal, proud and noble,
for one moment’s glory-morsel,
your Love's trust have bled.

Was it worth that paltry victory,
to use Love’s duty as your shackles
and Faith’s meekness for iron bars?

Careless, heedless, callus, oblivious,
not to see hot tears and know
heart's blood pulses in each molten diamond.
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara 
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