Sapience
#11
Hey S.S.-
Below are a few comments

(04-25-2021, 06:05 AM)SapientScribe Wrote:  Sapience

Wisdom hides beneath thy sight A modern reader stumbles at the archaic language
Truth in lies, still truth they pass
She strangles thee in torment's fight  I notice the A-B-A rhyme scheme, but ya gotta be careful about forcing rhymes

As one becomes thine knowledge plight Profundities like this distance themselves from the reader: ya wanna connect
A fool declares, thou proof alas!
Still wisdom hides beneath thy sight

Darkness looms in wrong is right Repetition of profundities is not working for me
All illusions great and vast
She strangles thee in torment's fight

Like a blind man's dreams of vision quite  An example of forcing a rhyme w/ "quite"
Find no wings in empty mass This means something to you, but not me
For wisdom hides beneath thy sight

Hope long lacking as if now trite,
Betrothed by rage unto thy past
She strangles thee in torment's fight Your adherence to meter is OK throughout

Till cold souls open in her guiding light
To dance in shadows of innocence cast
She forever hides beneath thy sight
And strangles thee in torment's fight
Please read this aloud to yourself- it comes off as pontificating, and thus distances itself from a reader (like me).  Be careful about telling without showing:  I need concrete images to latch on to.  All that said, you obviously worked hard to maintain the rhymes and structure of the poem. But the poem needs more than a display of skill- it needs to form a connection with a reader: how am I supposed to relate to this? 
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Messages In This Thread
Sapience - by SapientScribe - 04-25-2021, 06:05 AM
RE: Sapience - by Majestic Sun - 04-25-2021, 07:59 AM
RE: Sapience - by SapientScribe - 04-25-2021, 08:22 AM
RE: Sapience - by Majestic Sun - 04-25-2021, 09:08 AM
RE: Sapience - by SapientScribe - 04-25-2021, 09:15 AM
RE: Sapience - by TranquillityBase - 04-25-2021, 09:30 AM
RE: Sapience - by SapientScribe - 04-25-2021, 09:41 AM
RE: Sapience - by Majestic Sun - 04-25-2021, 11:22 AM
RE: Sapience - by SapientScribe - 04-25-2021, 11:38 AM
RE: Sapience - by Majestic Sun - 04-25-2021, 12:54 PM
RE: Sapience - by Mark A Becker - 04-25-2021, 07:59 PM



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