A Long Night at the Dreary House (revised)
#15
(05-08-2021, 10:06 AM)Majestic Sun Wrote:  
(05-08-2021, 06:57 AM)newmystic Wrote:  
I'm gonna take a queue from TranquillityBase and highlight portions in blue that I liked, plus some notes at the end.


This new dawn I hope to soak in the love.
Of what it means to live in the moment of day.
I smoke my long cigarette and smelling my scotch.
For the dreadful night that comes unveiling.
 
The argument of the shadow and light.
Stabbing my eyes from the orange streetlights.
There is a sensation in my heart, I hear Jazz.
I hear the sound of saxophones and percussion.
 
Then I continue to sit on my chair and wait,
For the dawn to give me a lick of morning light.
I cannot stand the streetlight glinting through the window.
I cannot stand the night which darkens the sky.

 
But Jazz will drive me to become a better man.
I meditate on the philosophy on the genre.

Then I take time to remember what it means,
To live and breathe the genre in my lungs.



"I hope to soak in the love" is a great line. There are lots of good lines here, such as "Stabbing my eyes from the orange streetlights." I love that imagery. Fantastic! And the sudden shift from pleasant brooding to existential angst is effectively unnerving. If that's what you were going for you did great at that shift, especially in the lines:  "I despise the streetlight glinting through windows.
I deny the night which darkens the sky."
Some words can be deleted for effect. I like one use of the word Jazz, at the end, myself. I am not a fan of the line "I take time to remember". Perhaps something more intimate and earnest like, "I need to remember what this means". By "philosophy on the genre" I think you meant "philosophy of the genre". The word "on" is repetitive in a that line. Overall, I think it's perfect. Or very nearly perfect, anyway.  


Good job.

Matthew Smith
Thanks Matthew! I appreciate your feedback, I think this poem is one of my best, if not, my better poems. I was going for a sense of that. Thanks again.

You're welcome! I enjoyed reading it.
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RE: A Long Night at the Dreary House (revised) - by newmystic - 05-08-2021, 10:59 AM



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