Under the Eucalyptus Tree
#3
(06-25-2020, 08:45 AM)Introspector Wrote:  weeds hide in the night’s glow, I really want this to say "weeds high in the night's low" because that kind of multi-layered, pun-tastic, (potential) mondegreen as a first-line demands trust in the author and implies a command of the English language—a command one could have forgiven the actual poem for sadly lacking. 
beneath the scent of eucalyptus. Is "beneath" really the best preposition here? 
burning,
like a distant memory, To reiterate the previous commenter, this line is confusing. However, I assume it is a typing error and you meant to use a different punctuation mark as "burning" isn't capitalised. 

her hands touch me,

she’s a lion
prowling the field for prey, cliché.

she pulls at my pants,

I’m an elk
stunned by car beams, Again, this is a cliche. You've replaced "deer" with "elk" to possibly imply gender, but a cliche nonetheless. 

I didn’t want her to touch me,

she burned like a forest fire I kind of like this line. It's like an old 60s rock n' roll simile. 
sucking the air from my chest, 

she wanted to play a game,

I stood like a toy soldier
and she threw me,

don’t tell your parents, I had previously been reading these italics as an inner monologue (now or then) but this one is ambiguous. I like the ambiguity. 

I slid like a razor blade
against my skin, Is this a pronoun based typo? because if not, I don't get it. 

I was too scared to say something, I appreciate this is colloquial but consider "anything" instead.

so she rotted my roots
like weeds,
buried under the eucalyptus tree.
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Messages In This Thread
Under the Eucalyptus Tree - by Introspector - 06-25-2020, 08:45 AM
RE: Under the Eucalyptus Tree - by dukealien - 06-26-2020, 10:12 AM
RE: Under the Eucalyptus Tree - by Exit - 06-27-2020, 01:10 AM



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