Parents *Edit 1
#18
Wow , I cant believe it has been a month since I have been on. In that time you all have given me some great things to think about. Sorry it took me so long to respond. I value all of you taking the time to read and critique my poem!

EMMA - I will be sure to look more into that third stanza. It is supposed to highlighting the the toll of over working a job you dont really want to while neglecting your body and your self.( saying that it does seem like a stretch knowing what that stanza says. I enjoyed reading how my first stanza hit you, and what you got out of that. "appropriately disgusting" tickled me.

STARLIGHT- you are not the first person to mention the extra word in s 2 line 4. I agree after having read it a few times "IT" is extra and unneeded. Same effect less wordage. Also I agree , the comma for" pretending, the crunching" it is not supposed to be like that. MY computer version the comma is after crunching. My mistake. I also agree about the we can see you thing it sounds better and does have more of a wow.

MITSUCH- I agree with what you say about the coma's. Your right I could do without the semicolon, but I like it for some reason. Is there a technical reason this may not be a valuable option? Also I am definatley changing the ending back. I sacrificed the sound for " clarity" and I think I just flat out soggied that ending. I will probably work on the last stanza. I am thinking of shortening the lines and allowing this one to be five isntead of four. As the grand finale. I tried jamming it all into 4 lines to stick with my other stanzas. It doesn't work.

Thank you all again !!
"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice every where" - Martin Luther King Jr

"I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer." - Jim Carrey
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Messages In This Thread
Parents *Edit 1 - by HaleINthewind - 10-26-2016, 12:42 AM
RE: Parents - by rowens - 10-26-2016, 01:04 AM
RE: Parents - by HaleINthewind - 10-26-2016, 01:25 AM
RE: Parents - by rowens - 10-26-2016, 01:31 AM
RE: Parents - by HaleINthewind - 10-26-2016, 01:38 AM
RE: Parents - by rowens - 10-26-2016, 01:43 AM
RE: Parents - by HaleINthewind - 10-26-2016, 01:53 AM
RE: Parents - by MadelineAnne - 10-26-2016, 07:46 PM
RE: Parents - by HaleINthewind - 10-26-2016, 11:46 PM
RE: Parents - by CRNDLSM - 10-27-2016, 10:42 AM
RE: Parents - by HaleINthewind - 10-27-2016, 12:16 PM
RE: Parents *Edit 1 - by Krakus - 10-31-2016, 12:47 PM
RE: Parents *Edit 1 - by HaleINthewind - 11-01-2016, 01:43 AM
RE: Parents *Edit 1 - by Mark Cecil - 11-03-2016, 04:23 AM
RE: Parents *Edit 1 - by mitsuch - 11-03-2016, 09:25 PM
RE: Parents *Edit 1 - by starlight - 11-06-2016, 12:37 PM
RE: Parents *Edit 1 - by Emz - 11-08-2016, 09:55 PM
RE: Parents *Edit 1 - by HaleINthewind - 11-22-2016, 11:29 AM



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