Your Blueberries

[Mark A Becker]

Feeding the Longing

Last week when I saw
your blueberries in our fridge-
only a few left-
I almost threw them away.

When our son came by
he cleared out the older food,
then added new stuff,
things that he thinks will do good.

I open it, close
it, then open it again,
but I just can't find
the one thing I wanna see...

Your Blueberries

Last week when I looked
inside our fridge
I saw that pint container
holding your blueberries.

I don't ever eat them
so there was still a handful left.
I should’ve thrown ‘em out
but I just couldn’t.

Yesterday our son came by
and cleaned up the fridge.
Then he kindly filled it
with food he knows I'll eat.

I open and close it,
and open it again,
but I just don’t see
the only thing I want.

[Knot]

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Hi Mark,
enjoyed the read.  The 'simplicity' of the language works well.


Your Blueberries
- Any better title?

Last week when I looked
inside our fridge
I saw that pint container
holding your blueberries.
- I think the syntax is a little confusing, it reads as if what you see (primarily) is the container,
not the contents. Perhaps ...
When I looked inside
our fridge, last week,
I saw your blueberries
in that pint container.

I don't ever eat them
so there was still a handful left.
I should’ve thrown ‘em out
but I just couldn’t.
- not sure you need/want both 'don't' and 'never',
and you've them and 'em. Also, L3, isn't this something
the addressee would know? Again, maybe reorder ...
a handful left, going off
should have thrown them out
but I just couldn't.
don't know why

Yesterday our son came by
and cleaned up the fridge.
Then he and kindly filled it
with food he knows I'll eat.

I open and close it,
and open it again,
but I just don’t see
the only thing I want.
- There's a bit too much 'telling' in this verse
(the ending seems a little heavy handed)
and I think you might combine this and the
previous verse. Something like ...
Yesterday our son came by
cleaned and filled the fridge.
but amongst his kindness
I can't find what I want to eat.



Best, Knot


.

[bbcashdollar]

I enjoyed this. I can really see the characters. Knot makes good points as usual. I do think the last line overstates it. I would suggest: 

I open and close it,
and open it again,
but I just don’t see 
anything I want

We already know that his son filled the fridge with food he likes, so it’s evident to the reader it’s not food, but leaves enough ambiguity that maybe the narrator feels the lack, but doesn’t know what will fill it. 

Thanks,

Your Blueberries

Last week when I looked
inside our fridge
I saw that pint container
holding your blueberries.

I don't ever eat them
so there was still a handful left.
I should’ve thrown ‘em out
but I just couldn’t.

Yesterday our son came by
and cleaned up the fridge.
Then he kindly filled it
with food he knows I'll eat.

I open and close it,
and open it again,
but I just don’t see
the only thing I want.

[Mark A Becker]

Thanks for the comments and suggestions from both of you.   

I always appreciate criticism regarding grammar, syntax, and places where folks trip up, and I will attempt to make fixes.

That said, I can see that I'm still a ways from bringing this one home, because it really does not have that much to do with what I eat, or not.

Once again, my genuine thanks,
... Mark

[Joshua Smith]

Such a sweet and solemn piece.   It reminds me of a more common experience when someone longs to hear a voice that that they will never hear again. So they call that person’s phone in order to hear their voicemail, but the inevitable day comes when that number has been disconnected or reused. Even still we dial just hoping.  I do not know if the narrator is experiencing a permanent separation, but that is how I read this.  The word choices seem great to me.  The one minor qualm for me is the fact that the narrator refers to himself as “I” in over half the lines.  The focus seems to be on his personal  emotions, nevertheless, it seems slightly excessive to me.  Thankfully you put line 11 and 12 in this poem.  If you had not I would come away hating the son.  I still do not like what he did, but it is kind of hard for me to hate him knowing his intentions.  With something so simple as a container of fruit you have conveyed some poignant emotions.

[Camer028]

I found this very moving, Mark. I agree with the points about syntax, which help your message come through stronger. The style is more talkative/explanatory that I would use myself, though it perhaps speaks to your individual voice. You could make it more abstract if you wished (example below), but not if it detracts from your personal style.

Blueberries brown in the pint container
you left half empty in our fridge

The last handful
I cannot bear to let go

[LSClanton]

I found this very powerful and raw. The last stanza was excellent and brought it together. I appreciate the simplicity of it and adds to its relatable loss.
The first two stanzas could be combined.

Suggestion:

Last week I saw the container
holding your blueberries.
Only a shriveled handful left
I couldn't throw them out.

Yesterday, our son came by.
He cleaned the fridge.
He filled it with foods
he knows I'll eat.

I open and close it,
and open it again,
but I just don’t see
the only thing I want.

[Gerryswo]

Last week when I looked
inside our fridge                    “in” our fridge instead of “inside”?
I saw that pint container
holding your blueberries.

I don't ever eat them             “never” eat them instead of “don’t ever”?
so there was still a handful left.
I should’ve thrown ‘em out
but I just couldn’t.

Yesterday our son came by
and cleaned up the fridge.
Then he kindly filled it
with food he knows I'll eat.

I open and close it,
and open it again,
but I just don’t see
the only thing I want.
 
Excellent poem.

I really didn’t have any grammatical or structural errors to comment on. Just two issues on your word choices, as noted. I though they didn’t quite sound right. Could be a preference thing.

Your poem reminded me a little of William Carlos Williams’ “Red Barrel”, both in the simplicity of the language and narrative.
What I understand in that narrative is that the man is looking in the refrigerator of his recently deceased wife. He maybe remembers her eating those blueberries, and knows she died before she was able to finish them, and is left feeling empty? when his son throws them out.
Wonderfully understated narrative full deep meaning just below the surface.

Again, excellent poem.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello Gerryswo-

I ain't been around much lately, but I do appreciate your comments. I was reflecting on WCW's poem "This Is Just To Say" before I wrote this one, so yer observation is very close: I admire William's style and brevity.

I have revised to a final version after considering the comments of previous folks. The final follows a 5--7-5 line format, since I can never seem to resist such an urge when I revise... Also changed the title, if only because it ...

Thanks,
Mark

[busker]

The original was perfect
Why did you change it?

---

“New stuff”
“Older food”

Not so great word choices that weeenr there in the original

[Mark A Becker]

The original was perfect
Why did you change it?

---

“New stuff”
“Older food”

Not so great word choices that weeenr there in the original

C'mon busker, there's no such thing as perfect. 

I can agree that “new stuff” and “older food” may not be great word choices, but the revised langugae is more in tune with the way I actually speak.

I'm not so happy with the new title, though, and will probably make a change there. 

That said, I'm a fool for strict syallable counts that give the appearance of no poetic form at all.  Why?  Hell, I dunno- just a quirk of mine.

Thanks for commentings,
Mark

[Tiger the Lion]

I like the original more also. I think because of the specifics of the blueberries - the pint container and that fact you never eat them added gently endearing details.

[Knot]

.
Hi Mark,
another thumbs down for the revision and title change from me. You've cut a bit too much, I think

Returning to the original, I think the problem lies with the second verse. There's a reason there's still a handful left, but, if N never eats them, then it isn't that N never eats them (and the person being addressed knows this), so do you need the first line? Not the best answer (especially for your syllable count ) perhaps, but ...

Last week
when I looked inside the fridge
I saw your blueberries in that pint container,

still a handful left.
I should have thrown em' out, but couldn't.
I stood there for the longest time, then shut the door.

John came by
yesterday, cleaned out the fridge .................. don't think 'son' adds.
and filled it up with stuff he knows I'll eat. ....... 'eat' gives you food.

Today, I open
and close it, open and close it
but I just don’t see the only thing I want. ............'the only thing' is a bit too much, 'anything', or 'what it is'?


Best, Knot


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