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+--- Thread: I keep my Dreams (/thread-434.html)
I keep my Dreams - Larry - 02-19-2010
I keep my dreams
Like platoons
Of pebbles
Massed at
The side of
A park riverbed.
Many small buttons
Of oval stone-
Simple enough
To tote home
In your jacket pocket,
Or send away,
Skipping downstream
And sinking
To the bottom
Of some black bay.
Many men may…
Favor mountains;
Should dreams be
As grand as they?
A hulking golem
Of stationary ground
With land too large-
To toss around.
RE: I keep my Dreams - billy - 02-19-2010
(02-19-2010, 11:08 AM)Larry Wrote: I keep my dreamsi've been in and out of this poem a few times today.
Like platoons
Of pebbles
Massed at
The side of
A park riverbed.
Many small buttons
Of oval stone-
Easy enough
To tote home
In your jacket pocket,
Or send away,
Skipping downstream
And sinking
To the bottom
Of some black bay.
Many men may…
Favor mountains;
Should dreams be
As grand as they?
A hulking golem
Of stationary ground
With land too large-
To toss around.
the concept of pebbles being dreams, problems ideas, etc, is a bit cliche for me. i've seen boulders turned into pebbles and pebbles skimmed across the water and of course kept in pockets.
the simile in the second line stops me going with the nature side of the poem. and so i struggle to lose the cliche.
the last stanza feels a bit like an add on and too cheesy. that said.
i see two similes and a golem. beside that it's mainly filled with tell and filler.
that said i don't think it would take much to turn it around.
as always larry, thanks for the read.
RE: I keep my Dreams - Larry - 02-19-2010
Message recieved! Pile of crap.
Will try to turn it around.
RE: I keep my Dreams - billy - 02-19-2010
(02-19-2010, 01:46 PM)Larry Wrote: Message recieved! Pile of crap.to you it may be
Will try to turn it around.
but for me it's got potential :angel:
RE: I keep my Dreams - addy - 02-21-2010
Lovely poem, Larry. Just have a few minor comments. Is there any reason you'd be calling your dreams a 'massed platoon of pebbles'? To me it sounds like a randomly aggressive image, since you're not talking about dreams in the context of any kind of figurative conflict or war... so maybe a more benign metaphor would work better. Also I think the ending could be developed, more, to some kind of conclusion. You wondered about the size and shape of your own dreams, then about the size and shape of the dreams of others... you wonder, "should dreams be as grand as they?". I'd like to be told more of your insight on that comparison.
These comments are just a matter of opinion though; and as the author, you can cherry pick the whichever ones help you best. Again, thanks for the poem. Your posts are always refreshing