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+--- Thread: Epiphany (/thread-406.html)
Epiphany - Loveblind - 02-14-2010
It’s been some time since we have departed,
A combination of pride and envy,
Caused the conflicts we are facing,
What was to be a learning lesson,
Translated into a lost love for one another,
And when we are in the presents, it’s difficult for our eyes to meet,
Around you I feel a burning pain in my stomach,
A hollow mind as I try to find what is the issue,
Soul shaking when you past me,
My pride has shattered and vanished,
Ego high as a building but in the end,
Lower then it can be at this point,
The light glowing in your pupils,
When, you look towards my directions,
Spits back fire towards my way,
Sometimes, I wish the flowers that are dead, could be re born
Similar to our situation
By the hours that pass, I hope for something
Though, I always get nothing, last minute
And I just had an epiphany
There might not ever be a new beginning,
instead, we will remain distanced.
RE: Epiphany - addy - 02-14-2010
Hi LB. You can do a lot to tighten this poem up. Remember that you are speaking in poetry, not prose... some of the lines sound unnecessarily telly. That said, I could also spot your use of imagery here
BTW, you don't have to use the commas at the end of every line... the line breaks already break up the phrasing for you(02-14-2010, 03:52 AM)Loveblind Wrote: It’s been some time since we have departed,A few more rewrites will improve this greatly. Remember to always think of fresh imagery, and not rely on telling.
A combination of pride and envy, I wouldn't use "combination"... how about "the dance of pride and envy"?
Caused the conflicts we are facing, a bit telly... you don't have to be literal. "forged this chasm", or a line to that effect, but better than I could write
What was to be a learning lesson,
Translated into a lost love for one another, this could even be one line: "learning lesson to love lost", or something nicer
And when we are in the presents maybe you mean "when we're both present"?, it’s difficult for our eyes to meet, again, it would be better to express this with an image, not just describe that your eyes can't meet
Around you I feel a burning pain in my stomach,
A hollow mind as I try to find what is the issue, maybe this needs to be rephrased
Soul shaking when you past ("pass"?) me,
My pride has shattered and vanished,
Ego high as a building but in the end,
Lower then it can be at this point, needs to be rephrased
The light glowing in your pupils,
When, don't need comma you look towards my direction[s],
Spits back fire towards my way, you used "toward" in two consecutive lines.
Sometimes, I wish the flowers that are dead, could be re born reborn
Similar to our situation needs to be rephrased
By the hours that pass, I hope for something
Though, I always get nothing, last minute this line lost me a little...
And I just had an epiphany present tense? "I have an epiphany"
There might not ever be a new beginning, "might not ever be" is a little convoluted... try "there may never be"
instead, we will remain distanced.instead of telling, use an image... it'll make the ending stronger
Thanks for sharing your poem!
RE: Epiphany - billy - 02-14-2010
(02-14-2010, 03:52 AM)Loveblind Wrote: It’s been some time since we have departed,for me the best way to comment is to show.
A combination of pride and envy,
Caused the conflicts we are facing,
What was to be a learning lesson,
Translated into a lost love for one another,
And when we are in the presents, it’s difficult for our eyes to meet,
Around you I feel a burning pain in my stomach,
A hollow mind as I try to find what is the issue,
Soul shaking when you past me,
My pride has shattered and vanished,
Ego high as a building but in the end,
Lower then it can be at this point,
The light glowing in your pupils,
When, you look towards my directions,
Spits back fire towards my way,
Sometimes, I wish the flowers that are dead, could be re born
Similar to our situation
By the hours that pass, I hope for something
Though, I always get nothing, last minute
And I just had an epiphany
There might not ever be a new beginning,
instead, we will remain distanced.
i'll show how i think the first stanza could be improved
to give you a feel of image and and metaphor etc.
though you can do your own edit after taking a look.
no commas needed at the end of a line.
It’s been some time since we have departed,
A combination of pride and envy,
Caused the conflicts we are facing,
What was to be a learning lesson,
Translated into a lost love for one another,
And when we are in the presents, it’s difficult for our eyes to meet,
here goes;
Apart for so long
numbers on two sides of a page.
Separated by petty pride
by the septic green of envy. Do you mean jealousy?
At what cost? We gained no love.
Cataracts of guilt and shame
blinded us to each others gaze.
it's really hard to have a go at someone elses words. and you also have a really hard subject as a choice. i know it's not much but it may give a feel of imagery. line length etc.
go through the poem and break it down into bite size lines. try and give each stanza a couple of images, a metaphor, or simile. as few words as possible ending with ing say the poem out loud to yourself. does it feel like you've heard a phrase before or something like it? if it does, it probably because you have...use something else instead.
i said some where else the poem lies in the last verse.
try to tighten that verse up but keep it's essence. you can post and reposte the edits you do and we can go through it in the forum.
it's the best way to learn.
maybe start off with the stanza i did. and edit the rest of the poem.
when we you get that as best you can, then redo the verse i did and make it jessica's.
i really believe that every poem has a great poem inside it. this is no exception. you just need to unpack it. jmo.