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+--- Thread: skin (/thread-25705.html)
skin - Erthona - 06-12-2024
skin
We're all spirit
wrapped up in skin
but it confuses me
every now and then.
RE: skin - Tiger the Lion - 06-13-2024
(06-12-2024, 02:49 PM)Erthona Wrote: skinHey Dale. Good to see you. I read it like those little crises of faith moments that kill us by a thousand cuts. "Skin" and "then" half rhyme nicely. Only suggestion would be to go back and see if you can cut anything...
We're all spirit
wrapped up in skin
but it confuses me
every now and then.
We are all spirit - is "all" needed?
wrapped up in skin - judgement call on "up"
but it confuses me - "but" is not needed unless you'd opened with " I know we are all spirit...,"
every now and then. - sounds more blunt without "every" but maybe more pensive with. Your poem.
You could make all of those cuts or none. Just my observations.
Paul
RE: skin - Wjames - 06-14-2024
Hey, good to have ya back, just wanted to say I like most of the trims Tiger made.
RE: skin - CircleWalker - 06-15-2024
Love the idea and wisdom of the poem. Completely agree with concept, and occasional confusion that does come from messages sent to us by our largest organ.
And while I hate to be redundant, I simply cannot improve upon the suggestions that Tiger made. He makes surgical cuts and removes words that seem superfluous to me. Words that actually somewhat detract from the rhythm and flow IMO.
Just my thoughts. Your original version is also really good as it is.
RE: skin - Erthona - 06-28-2024
seems you have the consensus Paul
Thanks for the comments guys.
The only thing I have in my defense is "all spirit" was a pun (actually more than one...sometimes I just can't resist), which led to the rest of the line lengths. However it is much cleaner Paul's way.
welcome to the site CircleWalker.
best,
dale
PS., Haven't been around much as I keep taking vacations in the hospital
RE: skin - Tiger the Lion - 06-28-2024
(06-28-2024, 10:00 AM)Erthona Wrote: seems you have the consensus PaulDale, it's funny because I always talk about how much you taught me not so long ago. Whenever I comment on your work a part of me wonders if you're muttering "little bitch" under your breath. True story. Been going on ten years now.
Thanks for the comments guys.
The only thing I have in my defense is "all spirit" was a pun (actually more than one...sometimes I just can't resist), which led to the rest of the line lengths. However it is much cleaner Paul's way.
welcome to the site CircleWalker.
best,
dale
PS., Haven't been around much as I keep taking vacations in the hospital
RE: skin - CircleWalker - 06-28-2024
Thank you sir.
This place is growing on me.
RE: skin - Bunx - 06-29-2024
lose seeing a new poem from you
thats my critque as well my friend
hope your soul and skin are one
RE: skin - Erthona - 06-30-2024
Paul,
I'm not so masochistic as to enjoy a knee to the groin, but it is true I always was a better critic than a poet
CircleWalker,
Glad it is, we need new blood. All the best of us have gone and I am one of the few who linger on. Make this site your own.
Always glad to see ou Bunx,
best,
dale