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All That's Left - TranquillityBase - 10-30-2023
All That’s Left
Words my dog taught me
shrink night down to a size
I can grasp with one hand
and no one is watching
while my dog lies sleeping.
I hold free encounters
in the palm of my other hand.
They dance along the creases
mapping out multiple futures
and an unredeemed past.
Redemption is letting go
of those elastic souls.
They return to their original forms
mercurial with delight.
Then I toss night back
into its welcoming orbit.
The dog stirs in his sleep
projecting my many lives
onto the backs of my eyes.
RE: All That's Left - rayheinrich - 10-30-2023
All That’s Left
1 Words my dog taught me
2 shrink night down to a size
3 I can grasp with one hand.
4 With the other I reach out
5 to manipulate free encounters
6 that make the game worth playing
7 because no one is watching
8 where my dog lies sleeping.
L1 and L2, Having dog words shrink night down is an unexpected, compact metaphor
that is both meaningful and pleasing to read.
L5 Just stops my brain. "Manipulate" is awkward for me. And logically I'm not sure how something
manipulated can be free or maybe that's just saying it's disguised as free?
Then I get to L8 and the dog's sleeping and I suddenly realize the narrative I've built while
reading L1-7 is wrong and I don't understand what's happening.
Maybe that's just me or maybe some clarification is needed.
RE: All That's Left - TranquillityBase - 10-30-2023
(10-30-2023, 10:00 PM)rayheinrich Wrote: All That’s LeftThanks Ray.
1 Words my dog taught me
2 shrink night down to a size
3 I can grasp with one hand.
4 With the other I reach out
5 to manipulate free encounters
6 that make the game worth playing
7 because no one is watching
8 where my dog lies sleeping.
L1 and L2, Having dog words shrink night down is an unexpected, compact metaphor
that is both meaningful and pleasing to read.
L5 Just stops my brain. "Manipulate" is awkward. And logically I'm not sure how something
manipulated can be free or maybe that's just saying it's disguised as free?
Then I get to L8 and the dog's sleeping and I suddenly realize the narrative I've built while
reading L1-7 is wrong and I don't understand what's happening.
Maybe that's just me or maybe some clarification is needed.
Yes "manipulate" is a problem. I've been playing this this for a couple or three weeks and just wanted to get something out there (here) to get ideas on how to proceed. Clarification: I doubt it's just you.
TqB
RE: All That's Left - Lizzie - 10-31-2023
Has a David Berkowitz kind of vibe.
I'm wondering if the dog is a Bulldog revolver. Like the speaker only has one hand to use because the gun is in the other.
RE: All That's Left - Fearful Symmetry - 10-31-2023
After the first three lines, I’m lost
I tried to educate myself but Google has not helped me.
RE: All That's Left - TranquillityBase - 10-31-2023
Thanks Lizzie and FS. I wasn't going for anything as dire as a gun in the other hand, so I definitely need to rethink everything after l. 3. It was originally 15 lines. Maybe I cut too much.
RE: All That's Left - Wjames - 10-31-2023
(10-30-2023, 09:17 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: All That’s LeftHey Tranquil, I like this one - just my thoughts on it after a few reads - the only crit I really have is the word "words". It may not be about a phone game, but that's the image that came to my mind.
Words my dog taught me
shrink night down to a size
I can grasp with one hand. This is a really interesting sentence. I wonder if 'thoughts' might be better than 'words' to open - I have communicated with dogs, but they have never taught me words. Or maybe, just "My dog taught me" as the opening line and "to" added below?
With the other I reach out
to manipulate free encounters
that make the game worth playing To my read, I see playing a video game on your phone and manipulating the game mechanics to succeed/progress - and obviously a nice metaphor about life.
because no one is watching
where my dog lies sleeping. The narrators distractions that help them get through life (the phone game) are distracting them from the kind of thing that really helps one really live a good life (the dog, connection etc).