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+--- Thread: Sun-ripening [edit, title change] (/thread-24837.html)
Sun-ripening [edit, title change] - dukealien - 01-13-2023
Sun-ripening
Tomatoes left out
in a sunny room
stay bright and flavorful;
those refrigerated
lose their sweetness
rot and shrink away.
Remaining fresh
demands not coolness
but incessant ripening.
RE: Unintuitive - busker - 01-13-2023
It’s a clever piece of didacticism.
Some things to consider:
1) the title. It’s a clever poem, so can the title also be clever? Eg the first line or the last?
2) the first strophe reads a bit like a run on sentence. It might be better to lose the “while” and just break up S1 into 2 separate sentences
The new covid is a b****
A friend nearly died from it last month
RE: Unintuitive - brynmawr1 - 01-14-2023
(01-13-2023, 08:58 AM)dukealien Wrote: UnintuitiveHi Duke,
Tomatoes left out
in a sunny room
stay bright and flavorful
while those refrigerated
lose their sweetness
rot and shrink away.
Just so with Man:
remaining fresh
demands not coolness
but incessant ripening.
I agree with Busker and maybe you could do away entirely with S2 L1 or something broader, such as "As we age:". Glad you are feeling better.
Take care,
steve
RE: Sun-ripening [edit, title change] - dukealien - 01-15-2023
edit;
Sun-ripening
Tomatoes left out
in a sunny room
stay bright and flavorful;
those refrigerated
lose their sweetness
rot and shrink away.
Remaining fresh
demands not coolness
but incessant ripening.
Thanks to both critics! I'm a little concerned that with all mention of people removed, the metaphor may not be apparent to the reader. Present company's perception has already been tainted, as it were, by the previous version, so it's hard to tell. But it does seem to read better.
RE: Unintuitive - Mark A Becker - 01-15-2023
Hi duke-
I think the title should be Tomatoes
Tomatoes
left out
in a sunny room
stay bright and flavorful
while those refrigerated
lose their sweetness
rot and shrink away.
Just so with Man: Really 'Man'? I think you need to make this more personal.
remaining fresh
demands not coolness
but incessant ripening. The way I interpret S.2 is "so cool I've gone cold"
That's just to say that you're almost on to a Williams-esque poem here (like This is Just to Say), but it's gotta be way more personal.
Tighten it up and keep it juicy.
Mark
just now saw yer edit. better
RE: Sun-ripening [edit, title change] - brynmawr1 - 01-16-2023
(01-15-2023, 12:47 AM)dukealien Wrote: edit;I worried about making it too vague as well but I think most people will get it if they spend a second. And then they get the pleasure of that proverbial light bulb going on.
Sun-ripening
Tomatoes left out
in a sunny room
stay bright and flavorful;
those refrigerated
lose their sweetness
rot and shrink away.
Remaining fresh
demands not coolness
but incessant ripening.
Thanks to both critics! I'm a little concerned that with all mention of people removed, the metaphor may not be apparent to the reader. Present company's perception has already been tainted, as it were, by the previous version, so it's hard to tell. But it does seem to read better.
RE: Sun-ripening [edit, title change] - Wjames - 02-12-2023
(01-13-2023, 08:58 AM)dukealien Wrote: Sun-ripeningI think you have something good here - but the title lets it down a bit. I think you could use the title to create a metaphor that adds to the feeling of the poem. The body text of the poem is already clearly about fruit ripening in the sun - the title could be used to create abstractions where maybe there's more of an impact. It seems to me that Tomatoes are clearly a metaphor for people. What is the sun? What is the refrigerator? The title implies they are just the sun and the refrigerator and nothing more - if there is more context, it would improve it in my opinion.
Tomatoes left out
in a sunny room
stay bright and flavorful; Strong opening
those refrigerated
lose their sweetness
rot and shrink away.
Remaining fresh
demands not coolness
but incessant ripening.