WTC Memorial edit - Printable Version +- Poetry Forum (https://www.pigpenpoetry.com) +-- Forum: Poetry Forum (https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/forum-1.html) +--- Forum: Basic critique (https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/forum-60.html) +--- Thread: WTC Memorial edit (/thread-24470.html) |
WTC Memorial edit - brynmawr1 - 06-23-2022 WTC Memorial Rough barked oaks stand ordered, in silence. Hearts break by degrees touching three thousand names etched into the margin. Water cascades down granite walls, tears of a nation, the world into a hole that cannot be filled. RE: WTC Memorial - Knot - 06-23-2022 . Hi Bryn. Very nice, perhaps just a little trim? Rough barked oaks in ordered vigil. ..................... not sure what these lines add (given the title) - I'd be tempted to cut them and begin with Hearts break by degrees touching three thousand names etched into the margin, the soul of a nation, the world. Infinite tears cascade down walls. A hole that cannot be filled. Best, Knot . RE: WTC Memorial - brynmawr1 - 06-24-2022 (06-23-2022, 08:06 PM)Knot Wrote: .Hi Knot, Thanks for stopping by. The whole poem is a pretty literal description of the memorial with the first lines describing a very regular planting of oak trees around the two sites of the towers. I was struck by the site of all of the oaks so regularly spaced, all the same size. It is also very quiet as everyone stops talking as you approach. We took some friends recently, which is what prompted the poem. Thanks again. bryn RE: WTC Memorial - rowens - 06-25-2022 WTC Memorial Rough barked oaks stand in ordered vigil, silent. Hearts break by degrees touching three thousand names etched into the margin, the soul of a nation, the world. Infinite Souls of a nation, a world. tears cascade down walls into a hole that can’t be filled. You've a penchant for hyperbole and all-encompassing worldliness that will fit this subject, this poem, if you work those characteristics into your style. But I predicated my changes above on keeping a solemnity and avoiding moving into mawkishness. I'm not a writer. I'm new to poetry, and simply am playing by ear. English isn't my first language. So, maybe I don't register the subject as monumentally as I would. RE: WTC Memorial edit - brynmawr1 - 08-10-2022 (08-10-2022, 03:55 PM)בַּרְזֶל Wrote:Hi, Thank you for your kind words. I do like your suggestion about "waters". Not sure about the publishing part! Welcome to pigpen. bryn |