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+--- Thread: Butterfly's message (/thread-23965.html)
Butterfly's message - Kerbonzo_beenz - 10-30-2021
A butterfly carries this message
through the hole in my roof.
I lay worthlessly under it,
sprawled over;
stargazing.
My demons play cards,
crosslegged,
in folding chairs,
on my back porch.
Their translucent cigarette smoke
shines in the moonlight.
Car lights smear down the
the marmalade road.
Buildings melt into each other,
my head sways drunkenly
in the billowing wind
because I miss my mom.
I'm off to find a warm place again
or I'll die in the cold.
RE: Butterfly's message - TranquillityBase - 11-01-2021
(10-30-2021, 01:03 PM)Kerbonzo_beenz Wrote: Drawling words drool,KB,
they slur and bumble.
A butterfly carries this message
through the hole in my roof.
I lay worthlessly under it,
sprawled over;
stargazing.
My demons play cards,
crosslegged,
in folding chairs,
on my back porch.
Their translucent cigerette smoke. cigarette
shines in the moonlight.
Car lights smeer down the smear
the marmalade road. "marmalade" is too arbitrary and obvious (after smear); what's marmelade about the road?
Buildings melt into each other,
my head sways drunkenly
in the billowing wind
because I miss my mom.
I'm off to find a warm place again
or die in the cold.
Kind of wanted to just cut the next to last stanza. But it seems like an important part. I think you need to say something more individual in the last line than just "because I miss my mom." What do you miss?
TqB