(06-27-2019, 05:49 PM)Knot Wrote:  .
Hi Seraphim,
like the idea, and the ending in particular, but I don't find the voice convincing.
For instance given L1, wouldn't L2 begin 'her' ? Of course you could cut 'that'
from L1 (and make woman plural). Adam's anger is specific to Lilith. Besides, there were no other women at this time, so I don't think plurality would work

Something for the theologians, but, isn't all pride (to some extent) unholy? Sinful, probably, but unholy? Lilith took her pride to the extreme where she herself became unholy. Adam was equally prideful, but Lilith actually called on God using his personal name. God helped her - but there was a penalty.

S2, just a bit too much going on here, and 'over me' seems in the wrong place.
('deserted realm' reads like it ought to be capitalised). And 'transfigurment'
is a bid leaden. The inconsistent punctuation doesn't help, S2 is a question,
isn't it?. (As is S4.) Yea, S2 needs work. the rhythm of transfiguration, however, sets up the cadence for this line. it helps force a pause in the middle of line. If I listed the syllables by stress, I get 3 -2- 1 - 4 -2 -1 || 3 - 2- -1 -3. Sounds smooth and musical to my ear. Not quite bilbical verse, but maybe close.

A little cut and paste.


Damn that arrogant woman.
It is her pride which denies me
my due. To see her squirm
in the dirt.

The above revision works against the rhythm of the longer lines, eliminates the combination of rhetorical devices expected of biblical verse, And 'to see her squirm in the dirt' changes the meaning of the original lines. 'To see her squirm in the dirt' suggest revenge, or the enjoyment of another's humiliation. Her requirement - the requirement to be submissive to her husband - to squirm in the dirt submissively was meant to refer her submitting to his desire - and he believes his right - to be on top; which would force her to squirm in the dirt. I may not have been successful at getting that across, however.

Which perversion demands
she prefer self exile
over me, demonised,
made a whore?

Again the truncation of the line and flow of the rhythm. The comma was meant to force a caesura before 'over me' both for the rhythm, and to accentuate the fact Adam's big gripe here is HE's suppose to be the dominat, most important figure. Lilith was not demonized, according to the myth, she became the mother of demons and -due to her desire to murder pregnant women - the mother of abortion.

Praise be. Another,
now slithers into position.
Trusting and obedient,
on her back.

Truncation of the lines again, and disruption of the rhythm. Also information left out that God made Eve exactly what Adam claimed to wanted - constructed for submission. Important, I think, as contrast to the ending as what Adam REALLY wanted was Lilith. He just couldn't cooperate with her wants. I'm considering changing 'trusting and trusted' to trustworthy. Although the orinal falls more in line with the expectation of repetitions in biblical verse, the fact that Eve was trusted by Adam - he trusted her enough to eat the apple, which might be seen as a betrayel of Adam's trust. Lilith is often portrayed as the serpent who offered Eve the apple. Slithered was meant to imply Eve might be the real temptress here. Lilith betrayed no trust, she merely went somewhere else.

Lord God Almighty
tell me, why do I cry
the name of ‘Lilith!’
between such compliant thighs?

Lacks the rhythm and the ending lacks the same punch, I think. I think the volte of Adam really wanting Lilith over Eve should be the last line. Yea - there should be gramatically a question mark there, but that would force the reader to raise intonation Lilith, which I don't want. So it may seem the punctuation seems inconsistent, I'm just attempting minimalism, letting the lines control the caesuras for the most part. This is completely opposite how I normally punctuate. It's an experiment.

The dependence on repetition for poetry is key to me. It's a common definition, particularly among the new formalist movement - which isn't quite so new anymore lol. Repetition in various manners is especially key to biblical verse, whihc I'm attempting for the first time. Perhaps not too successfully...





Best, Knot.


.

(06-28-2019, 02:49 AM)busker Wrote:  Nice biblical epiphany at the end

Quote:Are you sure about 'transfigurement' ? - a complete change of form or appearance into a more beautiful or spiritual
state - I don't see it, as a process, producing an 'abhorent whore', 'transformation' might.