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+--- Thread: Ephemeral (/thread-22077.html)
Ephemeral - alonso ramoran - 02-10-2019
The columns’ shadows fade, unlike the trees’
(where children underneath could cool and rest),
before collapsing in one final breeze
that carries carmine-tinted rubble west.
While hands decay, attempting to sculpt rays
in every hue, the stars illumined awe
and nights that followed peoples’ bygone days
by gracefully existing without flaw.
In cold regard, the comets know no end
to friendships and to tales that mesmerize
is ever timely; they will rove, descend,
then burn while an effulgent sun would rise.
With pen and paper, poets kindle flame
that burn nightlong like stars without a name.
RE: Ephemeral - homer1950 - 02-10-2019
Hey Alexorande,
I liked this poem very much, very well done indeed. Having said that and having taken the time to read your other poems this one feels like you where flexing you poetic muscles a bit. That is to say your other works feel much more genuine. Again a beautiful poem, please accept this critique as a compliment to your overall body of work as that is how I intend it to be.
RE: Ephemeral - churinga - 06-23-2019
The columns’ shadows fade, unlike the trees’
(where children underneath could cool and rest),
before collapsing in one final breeze
that carries carmine-tinted rubble west.
You could have 'Column shadows fade" it looks neater and column then acts as a modifier.
I don't see how the columns could 'collapse' without an element of time, this seems to be hyperbole.
While hands decay, attempting to sculpt rays
in every hue, the stars illumined awe
and nights that followed peoples’ bygone days
by gracefully existing without flaw.
Sculpting does not as a rule employ colours. You inadvertantly ascribe 'awe' to the stars, the syntax is too condensed.
Why do nights exist without flaw.
In cold regard, the comets know no end
to friendships and to tales that mesmerize
is ever timely; they will rove, descend,
then burn while an effulgent sun would rise.
The enjambment of lines 2/3 is a bit jarring meterwise as the sentence seems to end on mesmerize.
With pen and paper, poets kindle flame
that burn nightlong like stars without a name.
The volte is a bit weak, poetry about poetry is incestuous.
I know how hard it is to write a sonnet. Formal poetry isn't fashionable but I think it's a must that poets master it. The meter is fine and 'mesmerize' breaks the one syllable rhymes. It is always better if you can find some two or three syllable rhymes in a poem. One syllable rhymes make a poem very predictable.
cheers
Ross