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+--- Thread: Will and Testament (/thread-18296.html)
Will and Testament - Tiger the Lion - 02-01-2016
Not sure what to do with this. It came out raw.
Will and Testament
Dad never wanted
to be cremated.
Just don’t burn me, he’d say.
The facts were he was dead
and never planned anything.
My ex wants to be put in a wall.
I don’t know the details
but I’m sure my daughter is good for it.
Me?
I think I’d like to be a tree.
But I was thinking of you, Leslie,
while driving past Lake Gibson
this frozen Sunday
after a night of contrived forgetting;
I was thinking of you.
No one asks to have their limbs encased
in a concrete block
and their torso
encased in another.
No one plans for that.
There are days when we die
by varying degrees
and that day was one.
None of us knows what to do next.
RE: Will and Testament - Brujo - 02-01-2016
(02-01-2016, 06:54 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Not sure what to do with this. It came out raw.Here is my impression
Will and Testament
Dad never wanted
to be cremated.
Just don’t burn me, he’d say. <--- dialogue should in quotations
The facts were he was dead
and never planned anything.
My ex wants to be put in a wall. like in a mausoleum?
I don’t know the details
but I’m sure my daughter is good for it.
Me?
I think I’d like to be a tree. <-- What's the purpose of this? Kind of annoying rhyme
But I was thinking of you, Leslie, <-- Leslie is the ex-wife, or a deceased partner?
while driving past Lake Gibson
this frozen Sunday
after a night of contrived forgetting;
I was thinking of you. <-- not sure anything is gained here with this repetition
No one asks to have their limbs encased I'm lost here. Are we talking about the chick who wants to be a wall?
in a concrete block
and their torso
encased in another.
No one plans for that.
Their are days when we die
by varying degrees "varying degrees" doesn't make sense here unless your talking about temperature
If not, I think it's in varying degrees
and that day was one.
None of us knows what to do next. Dramatic end
What I think I read was a an internal monologue by a speaker who, after contemplating the details of his father's funeral/death, reflects on himself and people in his life. Beyond that, it gets a little fuzzy. The speaker talks about a weekend of forgetting and the constant thoughts of a woman named Leslie, though it is not entirely clear who she is.
The last two stanzas are confusing and don't seem to bring anything together in a coherent way. What I surmise is that the author is trying to comment on the details of death and funerals and how we plan/don't plan them, and how no one is really ready to pass on or accept fate. However, this could be communicated in a more effective fashion.
I hope these comments help. This seems to be a bit personal, I look forward to reading a final version.
-Nick
RE: Will and Testament - ellajam - 02-01-2016
After thinking about the personal address and how that death scene might have happened (my first thought was the twin towers but that wasn't quite there) I googled Leslie and dismembered, ugh, yes these things stay with us and pop up when prompted. I like the piece, only a few reads so far but some notes below.
(02-01-2016, 06:54 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Not sure what to do with this. It came out raw.It's a good read, I hope my notes help.
Will and Testament
Dad never wanted
to be cremated.
Just don’t burn me, he’d say.
The facts were he was dead You might consider present tense for this line, "The fact was", to match the lines below it.
and never planned anything.
I like this, the way people spout their opinions but never take action.
My ex wants to be put in a wall.
I don’t know the details
but I’m sure my daughter is good for it.
Love the wall, my aunt's in one, a sliding shelf in a wall, odd for me. "is good for it" you might be able to say in a better way.
Me?
I think I’d like to be a tree.
Love this, tho you're as bad as dad, in what form should we plant you?
But I was thinking of you, Leslie,
while driving past Lake Gibson
this frozen Sunday
after a night of contrived forgetting;
I was thinking of you.
I like the specifics here, puts me in the car, I like "contrived forgetting", I'm on the fence on the repeated line.
No one asks to have their limbs encased
in a concrete block
and their torso
encased in another.
No one plans for that.
I like bringing in the idea of a non-natural death and that all the planning in the world doesn't control the actual death and like dad, then there's no control.
Their are days when we die
by varying degrees
and that day was one.
None of us knows what to do next.
Strong, empty ending, next is a tough concept after death.
RE: Will and Testament - Tiger the Lion - 02-01-2016
Thanks guys. I'm not quite ready to edit yet. I wrote this quickly this afternoon after passing the lake. I think my biggest problem is the "There are days.." section. It sounds preachy and I'm not sure how to fix it yet. Also, I think Brujo was right that it should be "in" if kept.
(02-01-2016, 07:49 AM)Brujo Wrote:(02-01-2016, 06:54 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Not sure what to do with this. It came out raw.Here is my impression
Will and Testament
Dad never wanted
to be cremated.
Just don’t burn me, he’d say. <--- dialogue should in quotations
The facts were he was dead
and never planned anything.
My ex wants to be put in a wall. like in a mausoleum? Sort of. Like I said, I don't know the details
I don’t know the details
but I’m sure my daughter is good for it.
Me?
I think I’d like to be a tree. <-- What's the purpose of this? Kind of annoying rhyme you may be right, will likely change me to myself
But I was thinking of you, Leslie, <-- Leslie is the ex-wife, or a deceased partner? however heinous, it remains a somewhat local story. I'm aware this piece has limited reach.
while driving past Lake Gibson
this frozen Sunday
after a night of contrived forgetting;
I was thinking of you. <-- not sure anything is gained here with this repetition not sure yet either
No one asks to have their limbs encased I'm lost here. Are we talking about the chick who wants to be a wall?
in a concrete block
and their torso
encased in another.
No one plans for that.
Their are days when we die
by varying degrees "varying degrees" doesn't make sense here unless your talking about temperature
If not, I think it's in varying degrees
and that day was one.
None of us knows what to do next. Dramatic end
What I think I read was a an internal monologue by a speaker who, after contemplating the details of his father's funeral/death, reflects on himself and people in his life. Beyond that, it gets a little fuzzy. The speaker talks about a weekend of forgetting and the constant thoughts of a woman named Leslie, though it is not entirely clear who she is.
The last two stanzas are confusing and don't seem to bring anything together in a coherent way. What I surmise is that the author is trying to comment on the details of death and funerals and how we plan/don't plan them, and how no one is really ready to pass on or accept fate. However, this could be communicated in a more effective fashion.
I hope these comments help. This seems to be a bit personal, I look forward to reading a final version.
-Nick
(02-01-2016, 08:30 AM)ellajam Wrote: After thinking about the personal address and how that death scene might have happened (my first thought was the twin towers but that wasn't quite there) I googled Leslie and dismembered, ugh, yes these things stay with us and pop up when prompted. I like the piece, only a few reads so far but some notes below.Thanks for the help Brujo and Ella. I wasn't even sure this would be a poem. There is no fiction here. The easy ones to write are the hardest to share. But ya know, if you can get one person to google... thx Ella.
(02-01-2016, 06:54 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Not sure what to do with this. It came out raw.It's a good read, I hope my notes help.
Will and Testament
Dad never wanted
to be cremated.
Just don’t burn me, he’d say.
The facts were he was dead You might consider present tense for this line, "The fact was", to match the lines below it. I used "were" because facts was plural. I think it's right, but need fresh eyes
and never planned anything.
I like this, the way people spout their opinions but never take action.
My ex wants to be put in a wall.
I don’t know the details
but I’m sure my daughter is good for it.
Love the wall, my aunt's in one, a sliding shelf in a wall, odd for me. "is good for it" you might be able to say in a better way. agreed about "good for it" . I am going change to "honour" in some form
Me?
I think I’d like to be a tree.
Love this, tho you're as bad as dad, in what form should we plant you?you're right, I am
But I was thinking of you, Leslie,
while driving past Lake Gibson
this frozen Sunday
after a night of contrived forgetting;
I was thinking of you.
I like the specifics here, puts me in the car, I like "contrived forgetting", I'm on the fence on the repeated line.
No one asks to have their limbs encased
in a concrete block
and their torso
encased in another.
No one plans for that.
I like bringing in the idea of a non-natural death and that all the planning in the world doesn't control the actual death and like dad, then there's no control.
Their are days when we die
by varying degrees
and that day was one.
None of us knows what to do next.
Strong, empty ending, next is a tough concept after death.
RE: Will and Testament - Cousin Kil - 02-01-2016
(02-01-2016, 06:54 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Not sure what to do with this. It came out raw.I haven't commented on anything in the Pen in forever. This one caught my eye, and thanks for that. Sometimes the stuff that comes out raw and unfiltered is the best. A lot of the time, actually. Most of the time. All the time. This was really good, is what I'm saying.
Will and Testament
Dad never wanted
to be cremated.
Just don’t burn me, he’d say. I don't mind the italics
The facts were he was dead I would put "the fact was", just my opinion
and never planned anything.
My ex wants to be put in a wall.
I don’t know the details
but I’m sure my daughter is good for it. please, please, please don't change this last line, especially "is good for it". When I read it, it delivered with such a good sense of wit to it, if you get what I mean. I suppose it's the informality-- I really liked it.
Me?
I think I’d like to be a tree. Didn't catch the rhyme when I read. I don't mind it, and if you went with "myself" and don't think it would move as nicely with the new syllable.
But I was thinking of you, Leslie, Lost here but honestly, I'm totally fine with it. The story is personal and I get a lot of feeling from it. That's all that matters to me when it comes to a piece like this
while driving past Lake Gibson
this frozen Sunday
after a night of contrived forgetting;
I was thinking of you.
No one asks to have their limbs encased
in a concrete block
and their torso
encased in another.
No one plans for that. I might omit this last line.
Their are days when we die *there*, no biggie. I didn't find this too "preachy" but would be interested to see what the rewrite looks like.
by varying degrees
and that day was one.
None of us knows what to do next.
Thanks again,
Cousin
RE: Will and Testament - ellajam - 02-01-2016
(02-01-2016, 04:57 PM)Cousin Kil Wrote:Great to see you posting.(02-01-2016, 06:54 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Not sure what to do with this. It came out raw.I haven't commented on anything in the Pen in forever. This one caught my eye, and thanks for that. Sometimes the stuff that comes out raw and unfiltered is the best. A lot of the time, actually. Most of the time. All the time. This was really good, is what I'm saying.
Will and Testament
Dad never wanted
to be cremated.
Just don’t burn me, he’d say. I don't mind the italics
The facts were he was dead I would put "the fact was", just my opinion
and never planned anything.
My ex wants to be put in a wall.
I don’t know the details
but I’m sure my daughter is good for it. please, please, please don't change this last line, especially "is good for it". When I read it, it delivered with such a good sense of wit to it, if you get what I mean. I suppose it's the informality-- I really liked it.
Me?
I think I’d like to be a tree. Didn't catch the rhyme when I read. I don't mind it, and if you went with "myself" and don't think it would move as nicely with the new syllable.
But I was thinking of you, Leslie, Lost here but honestly, I'm totally fine with it. The story is personal and I get a lot of feeling from it. That's all that matters to me when it comes to a piece like this
while driving past Lake Gibson
this frozen Sunday
after a night of contrived forgetting;
I was thinking of you.
No one asks to have their limbs encased
in a concrete block
and their torso
encased in another.
No one plans for that. I might omit this last line.
Their are days when we die *there*, no biggie. I didn't find this too "preachy" but would be interested to see what the rewrite looks like.
by varying degrees
and that day was one.
None of us knows what to do next.
Thanks again,
Cousin
It's so important to pop in when you want to tell the OP whoa, don't mess with that. I think you may have changed my mind on "good for it", it stopped me a bit but it does have a fresh tone to it, maybe it was good to stop, good call.
RE: Will and Testament - Akira - 02-02-2016
(02-01-2016, 06:54 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Not sure what to do with this. It came out raw.
Will and Testament
Dad never wanted
to be cremated.
Just don’t burn me, he’d say.
The facts were he was dead
and never planned anything. This captures quite a lot. I like how it implies, but never directly states, that the N cremated him. I like the slight, but not overwhelming, tickle of guilt that underlies the practical accusation that, well, it's his fault, anyway.
My ex wants to be put in a wall.
I don’t know the details
but I’m sure my daughter is good for it.
Me?
I think I’d like to be a tree.
But I was thinking of you, Leslie,
while driving past Lake Gibson
this frozen Sunday
after a night of contrived forgetting;
I was thinking of you.
No one asks to have their limbs encased
in a concrete block
and their torso
encased in another.
No one plans for that. These two stanzas pose a problem that you already know about -- they are interesting, but the reference is a bit exotic; I assumed it personal, until I read ellajam's comment, then I looked it up, but it still means nothing to me because it was an act of violence without historical significance that was never a news story where I live, so it might as well be a purely personal reference. Which can be fine for a primarily personal poem.
There are days when we die
by varying degrees
and that day was one.
None of us knows what to do next.