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+--- Thread: Copper Sun (/thread-17583.html)
Copper Sun - i.might.be.a.bit.sad - 08-11-2015
In a field full of the ghosts of wheat,
worked dry of everything it was meant for,
She stands.
She would sit,
but staring at the way the light catches the dry grass
and the way it skitters off the floating dust takes a certain
angle.
She sways without meaning to, her feet firmly anchored to the
moving ground.
Everything has changed.
RE: Copper Sun - Cousin Kil - 08-11-2015
I really like this poem.
It's very understated, and although I'd be interested to find out what exactly has changed for her, I don't need to
Your poem stands well, lonely like that.
The only critiques I have would be omitting some words to tighten it, for instance, in the 1st line.
I don't think you need "the" and it tripped me up a bit. Same with the 5th line, I'd love to see it as "catches dry grass" instead of "the dry grass". But maybe I'm just being picky.
Also I would suggest a change of the word "anchored"... It's not totally out of place, but there are words that could be better I think.
"Rooted", perhaps?
Things I love though are especially your line breaks, like "angle", "moving ground", and also the way "She stands." stands alone.
All your breaks are in excellent taste
Very good poem here.
Cousin Kil
RE: Copper Sun - kakashi1090 - 08-12-2015
I lahk it uh lawt. One thing I don't really care for is the last line. You paint a very nice image but the line "Everything has changed" just kinda feels cliche and pointless. I'm thinking it may be something with the field of wheat since "Ghosts" kinda tells me something died and there is a recollection in the second line of the field being worked. But it feels like a stretch. There isn't really enough to guide me to a conclusion that anything has really changed.
My advice for it is remember the reader is probably not stupid. Not my words my English teacher used to tell us that when we worked on metaphors in high school lol. But basically if you have to claim "everything has changed" then you haven't properly shown that everything has changed. I honestly think instead of saying that directly, just adding one more line reiterating how the field was once full of wheat and is now barren would push that "change" feeling without outright breaking the fourth wall.
Otherwise excellent. There isn't a whole lot for me to give to this poem. Maybe not up my alley for shock and awe but God damn is it a solid piece of work for sure.
RE: Copper Sun - velvet_morph - 08-12-2015
I like this poem. I does paint a sad image of after the summer harvests have taken place. Winter is coming.
I found the words "She sits" straight after "She stands" a bit different, although I am reluctant to say whether it should stay or go. Your choice.
we expect more from the feedback in the mild forum/mod
pleae buck up or buck off
RE: Copper Sun - Quixilated - 08-14-2015
Hello, I.m.b.a.s.,
Let me start by saying I like where this poem takes me. I find myself standing there in the field, squinting in the sun. I like the evocative nature of it, and the simplicity of the scene that is set. It is peaceful.
I've been reading it over and over trying to discover if there are hidden layers I'm missing ... I'm still working on being able to spot the "underworld" of poems. The last line makes me think there is something I'm missing, and I've looked for clues in the title and other words, and couldn't find it. So I'll make my observations based on this being a poem about a moment in a field, and if I missed something, then just overlook my critique.
(08-11-2015, 07:44 AM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote: In a field full of the ghosts of wheat, this makes me picture a harvested field, with the mowed and broken roots left behind. I love that "ghosts of wheat"I hope something in all that was helpful. I really love standing next to this woman and seeing this field through her eyes. It sounds like she is there at the "golden hour" when everything just looks magical. If you could squeeze in a smell somwhere, a freshly harvested field of wheat would smell absolutely amazing.
worked dry of everything it was meant for, like that it has fulfilled its purpose, and the intent of the line, but don't understand how wheat is "worked dry"
She stands.
She would sit,
but staring at the way the light catches the dry grass
and the way it skitters off the floating dust takes a certain
angle. this tells me that she is finding beauty in this moment. She is looking at this field with an artist's eye. This is the line that convinced me this poem was about the field and its beauty and not a metaphor for something else. The woman is here to admire the field, therefore so am I, or something like that.
She sways without meaning to, her feet firmly anchored to the
moving ground. like this part, it makes her like the grass, swaying in the breeze, feet anchored to the earth like roots.
Everything has changed. this line I'm tripping over. It makes me go back and read the poem over and over trying to understand what has changed for the woman besides the field that was tall grass now being mowed. So this is the part where, if I am missing something, then keep it in, but maybe add a clue in the title, or somewhere to help figure it out. Or if it is just about the field (and I like it just fine if that's what it is)
--Quix
Sorry about all the [ b] I was trying to make those words bold. Massive fail. Hope it's not too confusing. Just read the [ b] as parenthesis I guess.
------
ha! Figured it out!!!
RE: Copper Sun - John - 08-15-2015
Hi, i.might.be.a.bit.sad,
Your first three lines have the action happening now - a female in a stubble field. Interesting choice of 'ghosts': to me that signifies loss in this poem. Your last three lines also indicate the present - but why the ground is moving, I don't know. Not really any waving grass in a stubble field. Then the last line compounds the notion of loss.
What doesn't fit for me are the middle lines set in the past - She would sit... There's no indication of how or why this relates to the current action.
Rearranged, I get this:
She stands
in a field full of the ghosts of wheat,
worked dry of everything.
She sways
without meaning to, her feet firm
on the moving ground.
Everything has changed.
Just an idea to tighten it up and concentrate on some ambiguity and notion of loss.
Anything there, please dig in.
Cheers
(08-11-2015, 07:44 AM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote: In a field full of the ghosts of wheat,
worked dry of everything it was meant for,
She stands.
She would sit,
but staring at the way the light catches the dry grass
and the way it skitters off the floating dust takes a certain
angle.
She sways without meaning to, her feet firmly anchored to the
moving ground.
Everything has changed.
RE: Copper Sun - i.might.be.a.bit.sad - 01-27-2016
Mostly for my own ego, I would like to say that with some help from this post, this poem got accepted into my high school's lit magazine(calling upon calliope)- one of the top 20 in the US. AND IM REALLY FREAKING EXCITED ABOUT IT its going to be PUBLISHED holy crap
anyways, thanks all for the feedback, and im SUPER STOKED
RE: Copper Sun - Tiger the Lion - 01-27-2016
(01-27-2016, 12:08 PM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote: Mostly for my own ego, I would like to say that with some help from this post, this poem got accepted into my high school's lit magazine(calling upon calliope)- one of the top 20 in the US. AND IM REALLY FREAKING EXCITED ABOUT IT its going to be PUBLISHED holy crapCongratulations!
anyways, thanks all for the feedback, and im SUPER STOKED
RE: Copper Sun - Todd - 01-27-2016
Congrats! Happy for you.
RE: Copper Sun - just mercedes - 01-27-2016
Congratulations!
RE: Copper Sun - ellajam - 01-27-2016
congrats, you took the extra step and it paid off.
